MY 20 FAVORITE MOVIES
Hey there! I think you can learn a lot
about folks by what their favorite movies are. I've come up with my Top
20 here, which for various reasons I think are just cool as hell. I'm
always interested in what your favorites are, too, so drop me a line
with your picks! I'd love to read them!
#20: JAWS (1975)
"The thing about a
shark, it's got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll's eyes. When it
comes at you it doesn't seem to be livin'... until he bites you, and
those black eyes roll over white."
It's simply one of the scariest monster
movies of all time. I still can't swim far from shore at the beach
without wondering if there's a great white nearby ready to chomp me in
half (And believe me, these California Bay Area beaches have 'em!).
Once I saw a documentary about sharks at the Monterey Bay Aquarium
hosted by Jaws author Peter Benchley. He went on about how unfair
it was that sharks got a bad rap as monsters and measures need to be
taken to protect them. Too late, buddy, the damage is done. The thought
of being in a cage with a great white swimming at me is more chilling
than anything I can imagine. And the shark cage scenes in this film do
not disappoint (In fact, some of them were filmed with a midget to make
the shark look even more gigantic). The sequels are all shit, but the
1975 film still holds up well. Robert Shaw's standout performance as
Quint is a thing of beauty, and it's still the best thing Steven
Spielberg has ever done.
#19: AKIRA (1988)
I've never been a giant
fan of Anime (which I think translates from Japanese as Big-Eyed
Tentacle Fucking Cartoons), but there's something so amazing about
Akira that I can barely describe. Forget that it's one of the best
animated films ever made, it's simply one of the best movies. There's
not many cartoons that can transcend their medium and make you forget
you're even watching one. The motorcycle chases alone are worth the
price of admission, but the fight scenes and a handful of others are
among the most thrilling ever captured in a movie. Not too long after I
saw this film, I was having a yard sale with my roommates and was talked
into smoking weed with a process called "sink loads". This insane
process involved lowering an empty bleach bottle with hole cut in the
bottom into a bucket of water, while you burned a sticky bud in a bowl
where the lid would be. As the smoke builds up, you keep pushing the
bottle deeper into the water until you've got about 20 hits worth of pot
in a very small space of air. After inhaling this unholy smoke, I
instantly became psychic and could swear that I was just like Akira,
reading every single persons mind at the yard sale. I had to hide
upstairs with a pillow over my head to keep their thoughts out of my
skull. On July 19, a special edition DVD of the film will be released
with a GOB of extra stuff for $29.90, that I'm chomping at the bit to
#18: USED CARS (1980)
This 1980 film is a big
guilty pleasure for me. It's one of Kurt Russell's first adult comedies
and he does a great job as Rudy Russo, who owns a crappy car lot, and
has to compete against Jack Warden's nicer lot down the street. They
end up getting an edge by creating pirate broadcasts of super cheezy
commercials that feature blowing up their competition cars, and
screaming, "THAT'S TOO FUCKING HIGH!" The cast is rich with TV
character actors like Al "Grandpa Munster" Lewis, and even Lenny &
Squiggy make an appearance. One of my favorite underused character
actors, Gerrit Graham, is great as Russell's partner. (You might
remember Graham from the cult hit Terrorvision and as the title
character in C.H.U.D. 2: Bud The Chud). And there's gratuitous
titty shots, so you can't go wrong with that.
#17: TOMBSTONE (1993)
And while we're on the
subject of Kurt Russell. Damned if Tombstone doesn't feature the
coolest Wyatt Earp ever. Russell is a great western badass in this 1993
flick, but the standout performance belongs to Val Kilmer, who's Doc
Holliday is easily his greatest screen role. The dialogue is
outstanding throughout with lines like this.
You die first, get it? Your friends might
get me in a rush, but not before I make your head into a canoe, you
Why, it's the drunk piano player. You're
so drunk, you can't hit nothin'. In fact, you're probably seeing double.
DOC: I have two guns, one for each of ya.
You gonna do somethin'? Or are you just
gonna stand there and bleed?
My fight's not with you, Holliday.
DOC: I beg to differ, sir. We started a game we never got to
finish. "Play For Blood" -- remember?
JOHNNY RINGO: Oh that. That was just foolin' about.
DOC: I wasn't.
This was being produced at
the same time as Kevin Costner's Wyatt Earp, but it came out a
few months earlier, beating it to the punch by a few months. It might
goof up some of the historical facts, but it's far more entertaining
than Costner's plodding snore festival. I so love this film that I
named my son "Wyatt" from it, and even snuck in "Russell" as his middle
name (telling my wife it was after my Great Grandpa, not Kurt of
#16: DO THE RIGHT THING (1989)
You know, fuck you and fuck Frank Sinatra.
Pino: Fuck you too and fuck Michael Jackson.
This movie showed that Spike Lee had the potential to be one of the all
time great filmmakers, however with subsequent trash released since
then, it appears he shot his wad. But what a great wad it is. Do The
Right Thing has everything going right for it. I especially love how
Lee shows how hot it is on this fateful day. From the DJ (played by Sam
Jackson) telling folks with Jheri Curl to watch out or their hair will
turn into a helmet, to the kids playing with a fire hydrant and flooding
a man's car with it, to an ice cube drizzling over Rosie Perez's perfect
breasts, it all builds to a blazing climax that really taps in to a lot
of the inner-city rage years before Rodney King even bought his Hyundai.
My love of hip-hop was born from this film, watching Perez dance to
Public Enemy's "Fight The Power" while wearing boxing gloves in the
opening sequence. It left me hungry for more. Which led me to listen to
more PE, who's lyrics led me to check out Louis Farrakhan speaking in
Oakland (I think I was one of 7 white guys out of about 8,000 people in
attendance). Do The Right Thing reminds me of a time when hip hop was a
legitimate form of expression, before it Puff Daddy and their ilk turned
it into mumbling on top of hit songs from the 70s. The cast is amazing
from top to bottom. With Ossie Davis, Robin Harris, Danny Aiello, and
John Turturro as amazing standouts. John Savage, who plays Col. Lydecker
on TV's Dark Angel has a small fun "blink and you'll miss it" as
the guy who accidentally walks his bike over Buggin' Out's new shoes.
#15: RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD
Burt: I thought you said
that if we destroyed the brain, it would die.
Frank: It worked in the movie!
Burt Well it ain't working now Frank.
Freddy: You mean the movie lied?
I'm sure I'll get flamed for blasphemizing the Romero mythos like this,
but I think Return of The Living Dead is the best zombie film
ever made. In fact as the quote above suggests, ROTLD throws every
traditional zombie out the window on it's ass. Instead of slow plodding
brain dead sleepwalkers that can be killed with a shot to the head,
you've got wisecracking turbocharged freaks that still flop around
screaming for human brains, even after they're chopped into 100 pieces.
These zombies are so clever, that when they run out of victims, they use
the cops' radios to send for more officers. The movie's tag line, "The
Dead Are Back, And They're Ready to Party" says is it all. The punk
rock characters and attitude in the film are a kick, as well, as the
dialogue below shows.
Trash: Do you ever wonder about all the different ways of dying? You
know, violently? And wonder, like, what would be the most horrible way
Spider: I try not too think about dying too much.
Trash: Mm. Well for me, the worst way would be for a bunch of old men to
get around me, and start biting and eating me alive.
Spider: I see.
Trash: First, they would tear off my clothes...
Chuck: Hey, somebody get some light over here, Trash is taking off her
And boy does Trash get naked. In fact, her screen-time nudity was so
extended that they had to use a special flesh colored rubber patch to
cover her naughty bits up to avoid an X-Rating. Sadly, the film is long
out of print, and is quite a good find if you see it on video somewhere.
Apparently the soundtrack (which is full of some great punk rock music)
made the right pretty hard to resecure for re-releases (which is what
kept Heavy Metal off of video for so many years). My favorite
scene in the film features this scary-ass "Tar Zombie" that's been
locked in a steel drum full of chemicals forever walking through a door
screaming, "BRAINS....MORE BRAINS!", right before his head gets knocked
off in one strong swing with a baseball bat. I still can't figure out
how they did it.
#14: SWITCHBLADE SISTERS (1975)
After directing some
outstanding Pam Grier films like Coffy and Foxy Brown,
Jack Hill brought out on of the best exploitation films I've ever seen
with Switchblade Sisters. The title and poster say it all.
Quentin Tarantino has rereleased the video on his Rolling Thunder
imprint, and the DVD full of cool stuff, including a fun audio
commentary with QT and hill. Great cheezy 70s outfits, and action
sequences that include a hilarious shootout in a roller rink make this
movie a special treasure. According to the IMDB, "when Hill was
interviewed at the 1996 re-release of the film, pointed out that it did
have some authenticity - he interviewed girl gang members and rewrote
the script. "But the idea of doing a realistic movie about street gangs
with beautiful blondes in hot pants was preposterous, so we tried to
make it a wacky fantasy." If you like Women in Prison style films, you
can't go wrong with this gem. As an X-E aside, Robbie Lee, who plays the
gorgeously cleavage-freckled leader of the gang, went on to do the voice
of Q*bert's girlfriend in the short-lived Saturday morning cartoon, as
well as several characters in Rainbow Brite. Late comic legend Lenny
Bruce's daughter, Kitty, plays a donut eating fat girl named "Donut" in
this gem as well. You also might notice Don Stark, who plays the big
afro'd dad married to Tanya Roberts in That 70s Show, too. This
film is clearly the most star-studded career launching pad since
#13: THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN
"To a new world of gods
and monsters!" -Dr. Pretorius
Though the first Frankenstein film is clearly a thing of beauty, I've
always enjoyed The Bride of Frankenstein (one of the first and
best sequels in film history), to be far superior. Several scenes from
Mary Shelly's novel like the befriending by the Blind Man, and of course
the creation of his mate are all here. Boris Karloff's performance adds
new layers to the monster, making him both sad and scary all at once.
When you consider that he broke his legs during the production, but
continued one with metal braces on his legs, it's an even more amazing
performance. Elsa Lanchester is equally remarkable as The Monster's
bride, with her freaky hairdo, and frightening scream. The monster even
gets philosophical at the end, pulling a big switch on the wall to
collapse the castle after saying, "We...Belong...Dead!" (Of course, as
Roger Ebert pointed out on a TV show a long time ago, why anyone would
have a switch that would collapse the building on top of you is a pretty
weird thing). Another damn good Frankenstein film that's worth checking
out if you can find it is the made for TV Frankenstein: The True
Story, which is about the most faithful version of Shelly's tale out
there. But ignore the crap remake starring DeNiro, and the horrible
Sting/Jennifer Beals The Bride at all costs.
#12: FIGHT CLUB (1999)
"How much can you know
about yourself if you've never been in a fight?" -Tyler Durden
Who knew David Fincher
would turn out to be such an incredible director. After bringing a
visually amazing style to Madonna videos, his first film, Aliens 3
did little to impress. But with a follow up one two punch of Seven
and Fight Club, he showed he's one of the best things going on.
Fight Club is deceiving film in every sense. Marketed as a flick
featuring urban gladiators who love to beat the shit out of each other
in organized fights, the film has some of the most biting social
commentary and bizarre head games I've seen. Just take a look at some
of these awesome quotes from the film.
"Our generation has had no
Great Depression, no Great War. Our war is a spiritual war. Our
depression is our lives."
"We are a generation of
men raised by women. I'm beginning to wonder if another woman is what we
"You're not your job.
You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the car you
drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking
khakis. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world."
"We're designed to be
hunters and we're in a society of shopping. There's nothing to kill
anymore, there's nothing to fight, nothing to overcome, nothing to
explore. In that social emasculation this everyman is created."
"You are not special. You
are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying
organic matter as everything else."
"Losing all hope is
Powerful stuff for sure.
I used to get my ass kicked in all the fights I had growing up, but
there's a primal thrill to the fight that this film explores
beautifully. Brad Pitt really emerges as a great "Man's Man" actor in
Fight Club, transcending the pretty boy Dicaprioesque trappings
of many male actors, and becoming something uniquely cool. And Norton's
everyman performance, especially dealing with his corporate hell and
pitchfork jabbings are fun as well. A scene where he beats himself up
in his manager's office to make it look like he was attacked is
The 2 Disc DVD package for
Fight Club is one the better uses of the medium I've seen. From
the box, to the book it comes with, to the TONS of extra footage and
notes within, you'll hardly find time to experience it all. Look for a
teaser trailer blooper where Pitt tells you not to smoke, then reminds
you that you can drink your own pee.
#11: MULAN (1999)
Mulan is my
favorite Disney film, as well as my favorite movie to watch with my
daughter, Sierra. It's beautifully animated, and the voice cast
featuring Ming Na Wen, George Takei, and many others is a treat as
well. For some odd reason, even Eddie Murphy as the streetwise dragon
Mu-Shu is forgivable. Though much of this is your standard Disney fare,
it's nice to see a female lead character break the mold of the poor
little girl who gets saved from a dangerous situation and ends up
marrying a handsome prince. As The Emperor says about Mulan, "You don't
meet a girl like that every dynasty." In fact, as Mulan has both a
Mother AND Father who for some un-Disney reason remain ALIVE at the end
of the film, it's a very different Disney film indeed. There's an
amazing battle scene with hundreds of horses running down a snowy hill
that are soon overtaken by a fantastic avalanche, but the part that
really does it for me every time is the final moment when Mulan's
father, Fa Zhou, tells her, "The greatest gift and honor is having you
as a daughter." Chokes me up just thinking about it. This film was
eventually released in China long after the US release, which was daring
considering how it questioned the traditional roles of females in
Chinese society, but it's box office failure there was due instead to
the massive movie piracy which had copies of the film on video months
#10: GLENGARRY GLENROSS (1992)
I spent about a year
telemarketing for credit cards and long distance companies, and it was
the biggest hell of my life. Glengarry GlenRoss captures the
misery of life as a salesmen far better than any other film. If you've
seen Boiler Room or The Big Kahuna and enjoyed them,
you're doing yourself a tremendous disservice by not checking out this
one. You get Pacino, Lemmon, Alec Baldwin, Ed Harris, and Kevin Spacey!
The David Mamet script is dead on. If you've ever been in any kind of
sales environment, you have to see it. Check out this awesome dialogue:
"We're adding a little
something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is
a Cadillac El Dorado. Anybody want to see second prize? [Holds up
prize.] Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you're
"Your name is "your wanting," and you can't play the man's game, you
can't close them, and then tell your wife your troubles. 'Cause only one
thing counts in this world: get them to sign on the line which is
dotted. Got that, you fuckin' faggots?"
"That watch costs more than you car. I made $970,000 last year. How much
you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy, I
don't give a shit. Good father, fuck you! Go home and play with your
kids! You wanna work here, close! You think this is abuse? You think
this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the
abuse you get on a sit?"
"These are the new leads. These are the Glengarry leads. To you, these
are gold; you do not get these. Because to give them to you would be
throwing them away."
"A-B-C. A-Always, B-Be, C-Closing. Always be closing, always be
Man, I heard this kind of
shit non stop when I was a telemarketer. Can you believe I was given a
Salesman of The Week Award AND put on written warning for not making
sales goal IN THE SAME FUCKING DAY before? You can see why this movie
hits so hard for me.
#9: THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
"I have to remind myself
that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too
bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin
to lock them up DOES rejoice. Still, the place you live in is that much
more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend."
Sure, it's set in a jail,
but The Shawshank Redemption is about friendship. It's also one
of those rare films based on a Stephen King story (Rita Hayworth And The
Shawshank Redemption) that's better than its source material. Frank
Darabont's script is a great salute to doing something for your fellow
man, and how the human spirit can be free even if he's locked up in
jail. Persistence, and standing up for what you believe in are
represented beautifully here through the performances of Tim Robbins and
especially Morgan Freeman. If your spirit doesn't get lifted just a
tiny bit at this end of this film, you're an alien. Stephen King's
original story, from the book Different Seasons, it's very good, but it
takes all the surprise out of Andy Duphrene's prison escape, by taking
you along every inch of the way. In the film version, it's almost as
much of a surprise to the viewer, as it is to the warden. And what an
escape it is. Not only does he get out in an incredibly creative
fashion, but he manages to set up himself up quite nicely once he's
The IMDB has a hilarious
tidbit about meddling during the film's production. "The American
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals monitored the filming
of scenes involving Brooks' crow. During the scene where he fed it a
maggot, the ASPCA objected on the grounds that it was cruel to the
maggot, and required that they use a maggot that had died from natural
causes. One was found, and the scene was filmed." Good lord. These
folks couldn't care less about a stuntman falling off a roof, but God
forbid a maggot gets killed.
Red: I find I'm so
excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it
the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a
long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across
the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the
Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.
#8: THE EXORCIST (1973)
"I'm telling you that
that... THING upstairs isn't my daughter. Now I want you to tell me that
you know for a fact that there's nothing wrong with my daughter except
in her mind. YOU TELL ME YOU KNOW FOR A FACT THAT AN EXORCISM WOULDN'T
DO ANY GOOD! YOU TELL ME THAT!"
To me, there's no scarier film than The Exorcist. I saw this
when I was 9, on HBO, and just 30 minutes in to it, I was shuddering in
front of the TV with the most intense fear I ever felt. I didn't sleep
for 2 straight days, certain that the devil was going to possess me. My
dad go so pissed off at me since I kept them up at night that he banned
me from watching scary movies again for nearly a year. I still remember
him saying, "You're not even going to see Abbot & Costello Meet
Frankenstein!" I saw it again, when i was 18, and it still scared
me. I saw it again just last year, and guess what?
This film broke so many
boundaries and crossed so many lines of blasphemy, it's STILL shocking
and offensive by today's standards. How anyone can watch that scene
where Reagan is plunging a crucifix into her bloody crotch without
cringing away is beyond me.
Regan: Your mother's in
here, Karras. Would you like to leave a message? I'll see that she gets
Regan: Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Karras
Diff'rent Strokes star
Dana Plato was originally offered the role of Reagan in the film, but
her mother thought it was a bad idea (though she ended up with a small
part in Exorcist 2: The Heretic, anyway). But Linda Blair nailed
it. You have to admire how she went from sweet little girl, to evil
personified with such fervor.
#7: ROCKY III (1982)
your prediction for the fight?
Clubber Lang: My prediction? PAIN!
Oh man. Rocky vs. Mr. T
is about as good as it gets for movie action. Apollo Creed was a great
opponent for Balboa in the first 2 films, but T's performance as Clubber
Lang is just plain scary. In fact, the movie features T's first
utterance of a phrase made famous later in his career:
Interviewer: Do you hate
Clubber Lang: No, I don't hate Balboa. I pity the fool.
The fight scenes in
Rocky III are phenomenal, and far more exciting than most real
boxing matches (of course, it's a movie, they should be). But Rocky III
has much more going for it. You get the death of Rocky's trainer
Mickey, a great performance by Burt Young, and a new theme song "Eye Of
The Tiger" that manages to be more inspiring than "Gonna Fly Now". As
an added treat you get Hulk Hogan as "Thunderlips: The Ultimate Male",
a pro-wrestler who fights Rocky in a charity match.
Thunderlips: To all my
love slaves out there: Thunderlips is here. In the flesh, baby. The
ultimate male versus... the ultimate meatball. Ha, ha, ha.
It's a shame that Hogan didn't ever use the Thunderlips character again,
cause it was pretty damn good. Far better than his bad guy "Hollywood
Hogan" persona, that's for sure.
#6: KING KONG (1933)
"Don't be alarmed, ladies
and gentlemen. Those chains are made of chrome steel." -Carl Denham
Though America has a rich
history of monster movies, nearly all the great film creatures are based
on literature and legends from other countries. Frankenstein, Dracula,
Wolfman, and their ilk were all from "The Old Country". Leave it to us
big clumsy Americans to create a savage giant gorilla to call our own.
King Kong is a uniquely cool fim, that almost 70 years later
(shit, hard to believe this is that old) is STILL the best single
monster movie ever made. Attempts to remake the film in various forms
have failed miserably through those subsequent years. Through Son of
Kong, King Kong vs. Godzilla, the god awful Dino DeLaurentis 1976
remake, and even a goofy cartoon ("10 Times As Big as a Man!"),
nothing's even come close. Stop motion animation was all they had back
then, and though it has it's flaws and looks a bit shaky (notice his fur
ruffling about for no reason as the animators were constantly reposing
him), he still looks damn cool, even by today's standards. When you
realize that a small 18 inch model was used for nearly all of Kong's
scenes, it's even more impressive. Sadly, only a metal skeleton of it
King Kong was something
truly unique in 1933. It scared the crap out of it's first audiences.
According to the IMDB, "This original version was released four times
between 1933 and 1952, and each release saw the cutting of additional
scenes. Though many of the outtakes - including the censored sequence in
which Kong peels off Fay Wray's clothes - were restored in 1971, one cut
scene has never been found. It is the clip in which Kong shakes four
sailors off a log bridge, causing them to fall into a ravine where they
are eaten alive by giant spiders. When the movie - with spider sequence
intact - was previewed in San Bernardino, Calif., in late January, 1933,
members of the audience screamed and either left the theatre or talked
about the grisly sequence throughout the remainder of the film. Said the
film's producer, Merian C. Cooper, "It stopped the picture cold, so the
next day back at the studio, I took it out myself"."
As an aside, can you
believe that Kong's leading lady, Fay Wray is STILL ALIVE? Yep, this
September 13, she'll turn...get this...96! She doesn't want her address
to get out, but you can still admire this work of one of Hollywood's
first Scream Queens at
THE FAY WRAY PAGES.
#5: KANSAS CITY BOMBER (1972)
OK, I won't lie here,
Kansas City Bomber starring Raquel Welch is just pure eye candy.
Watching her wear a skin tight roller derby outfit while pulling other
women's hair out just does it for me, I suppose. This is Welch in her
prime, and she's never looked better than she does here. Aside from
drooling over Welch, it's a pretty fun look at the classic world of
Roller Derby. There was a time in America when it was more popular than
wrestling. Look for a very young Jodie Foster in a bit part here, but
you're gonna have to find it on TV at some ungodly hour, 'cause the
video has been mysteriously out of print forever. If you ever come
across a blank videotape that just happens to have this taped on it, I'd
be your slave for life.
#4: PULP FICTION (1994)
"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I
break your concentration?" -Jules
Quentin Tarantino solidified himself as "The Man" when he followed up
Reservoir Dogs with Pulp Fiction. Such refreshing film when
it came out in 1994 with it's inspired casting, awesome direction, and
bizarre flow of continuity, it inspired numerous copycat movies and
reintroduced the Maverick Director that actors would kill to work with
that hadn't been seen in Hollywood since Sam Peckinpah died. I love
this movie so much I have "PULPFIC" as my license plate. (Now don't go
making up stories that I hit your parked car now!")
But, as is the case with
most of the films on my list, it's THE SCRIPT that I love more than
anything else about Pulp Fiction. Like Jules' angry Bible Speech:
"The path of the righteous
man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the
tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good
will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly
his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike
down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would
attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is
the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
Or Christopher Walken's
insane monologue about what a certain watch went through:
Captain Koons: The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your
birthright. He'd be damned if any of the slopes were gonna get their
greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one
place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore
this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the
watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years.
Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little
man, I give the watch to you.
To crazy discussions about what they call Big Macs in Amsterdam, and why
Jules don't eat swine:
Jules: Hey, sewer rat may
taste like pumpkin pie but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the
filthy motherfuckers. Pig sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy
animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense to disregard its
Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eat their own feces.
Jules: I don't eat dog either.
Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
Jules: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're
definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long
Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality,
it'd cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?
Jules: Well we gotta be talkin' about one charmin' motherfuckin' pig. I
mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green
Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?
I love that Tarantino has
been careful and selective with his post Pulp Fiction work. He
knew what a magical thing he created with this movie, and was respectful
to not try and duplicate it immediately. His patience with the
wonderful follow up Jackie Brown paid off (critically, if not
I can't wait for what's
#3: EDWARD PENISHANDS (1990)
Though Tim Burton's
Edward Scissorhands was a remarkably original and sweet Modern
Frankenstein tale that has charmed many, few folks have seen the
pornographic remake, Edward Penishands, which is considered by
some to be the superior film of the two. While Johnny Depp portrays the
lead character as a misunderstood misfit who has scissors for hands,
newcomer Sikki Nixx used a slightly different approach, by having
freakish giant cocks on the ends of his arms. I'm no porn addict, but I
do especially enjoy watching a video of a woman performing oral sex.
Edward Penishands is especially rewarding as he has not one, not two,
but THREE dicks that are fucked and sucked so much in this movie, he's
like a one man orgy! Jeanna Fine is particularly good as the female
lead, because she's mostly naked and has sex like crazy throughout.
Sometimes she spreads open and lets Edward service her with his
penis hands, while other times she simply chooses to suck on them. She's
obviously got it rough, as every other woman in the world has only 1
penis on their male partner to service, that she's able to make Edward
happy with all 3 of them is an impressive feat indeed.
In all seriousness, this
is truly a jaw droppingl bizarre film that you should check out if you
can. There's a hilarious parody of the scene from Burton's version
where Edward is carving ice sculptures while Winona Ryder twirls in slow
motion with snowflakes falling on her face. But you'll have to use your
imagination to figure out what I'm talking about.
#2: THE WORLD ACCORDING TO GARP
Another film about
writing. I loved the John Irving book, and the film, which gave Robin
Williams his first serious role, to show the world he was so much more
than Popeye and Mork. Too bad he fucked it up by too many playing
misunderstood wacky man-childs in most of his subsequent work. Some of
the film, especially a sub-plot about a group of women who cut out their
tongues in honor of an abused girl who met the same fate from an
attacker, is a bit heavy handed, but it's a sweet tale about creativity,
marriage, parenting, life, death, and forgiveness. When I saw this with
my Mom I was only 13, but I knew right away that when I had kids, I
wanted to be the kind of father that Garp was in this movie. Wrestling
with your kids in costumes, and chasing assholes down the street who
drive by too fast, are things I find myself doing now. (The latter is
bound to get me shot, too, I fear . . . I better start keeping it cool!)
#1: BARFLY (1987)
Wanda: I hate people.
Henry: I don't. I just like it better when they're not around.
If you've never heard of
the writer Charles Bukowski, then shame on you! He's written some of my
favorite books (Ham on Rye, Factotum, Post Office, and Women to name a
few), and the screenplay for Barfly. I'm so in awe of this film
that I'm afraid to write much about it, for fear that I don't do it
justice. Mickey Rourke has the role he was born to play as the
brilliant alcoholic bar-brawling poet who gets in the most co-dependent
relationship ever, with the neurotic (and luckily alcoholic) Wanda
played by Faye Dunaway. Frank Stallone even gives an inspired
performance as Eddie, the bartender who's sick of Henry's shit.
Henry: Some people never
go crazy. What miserable lives they must lead.
Henry Chinaski: That's it.
Wanda Wilcox: That's what?
Henry Chinaski: I'm broke. Can't buy another drink.
Wanda Wilcox: You mean you don't have any money?
Henry Chinaski: No money, no job, no rent. Hey, I'm back to normal.
Eddie: All you gotta do is beg for a little mercy.
Henry: Quittin' to you would be like swallowin' piss for eternity.
Henry: Some guys really know how to get the women.
Jim: Now, you don't know how?
Henry: Hey, I can get one for ten minutes. That's my limit.
Old Fart: Now look. Twenty bucks for that kind of head is outrageous.
Grandma Moses: I did ya good, old fart. I did ya good. I oughta bit your
champagne cork off.
Old Fart: I'm givin' ya fifteen bucks.
Grandma Moses: Twenty bucks. Nobody in this neighborhood can swallow
paste like I can.
Tully: Why don't you stop drinking? Anybody can be a drunk.
Henry: Anybody can be a non-drunk. It takes a special talent to be a
drunk. It takes endurance. Endurance is more important than truth.
Bukowski's script manages
to make excessive drinking and fighting in the alleys both tragic and
romantic at the same time, years before Fight Club had a go of