100 MOST ANNOYING THINGS OF 2000

I was scratching my head trying to come up with the coolest things of this last year, and I ended up getting a 3 day fever.  When I awoke from my sweaty stupor, it was all so clear to me.  2000 was just plain annoying in every single respect.  So without further adieu, let's pay tribute to the 100 Most Annoying Things of the Year 2000!

100	Kobe Bryant	Everyone hates this smug bastard Los Angeles Laker, including his entire team, and his ADIDAS shoe is one of the ugliest ever made.
99	The Grinch	The original Seuss tale showed how materialism wasn't important at Christmastime, so what better way to show that off  than by slutting the character out to everyone from cookies to the post office, to tampons.  Audrey Geisel needs to swallow some Oobleck.
98	Cigarette Ads	These public service commercials by RJ Reynolds and their ilk that show how their helping old people by giving them food, and teens telling you smoking is "uncool" clearly work in reverse.  Those kids are so fucking square, you figure smoking has to be cool.
97	Enya	5 years in the making, her latest CD is a whopping 35 minutes long, and more of the same new age angelic babble you've heard from before.  I've listened to SEGA games with better music than this piece of shit.
96	Dr. Laura	Decides to apologize to gays for calling them genetic mistakes only after advertisers start boycotting her TV and radio shows.  Just look at her naked photos for some genetic mistakes! Her bush is scarier than the hedge maze in THE SHINING.
95	Meg Ryan	If I see one more tabloid story about her and Russell Crowe, I'm going to shoot myself in the head.  Dennis Quaid seemed like such a nice fella, too.
94	102 Dalmatians	Let's hope if there's a third film, it takes place in a Vietnamese restaurant, or that they all contract rabies and eat Glenn Close.
93	Sobe	These $2.00 overpriced Kool-Aids for new age conscious dorks promise mental clarity, energy, and even anti-depression...wish they could focus on TASTING GOOD!
92	Cosmopolitans	Damn SEX IN THE CITY for popularizing this melted red snow cone in a martini glass.  This sickeningly sweet concoction is only fit for wannabe socialites, and X-E Webmasters.
91	Jeb Bush	Biggest political pussy of the year.  Keeps his mouth shut during the whole election while his brother treads water.  Gore could probably beat him for Governor next term.
90	George Lucas	He re-releases the original STAR WARS trilogy on videotape only.  What the fuck?  To date, not a single DVD available for the whole saga. And to top it off, his neck is getting fatter.
89	Columbia House	11 CDs for a PENNY!  And just $27.00 for shipping and handling! Those crooks charge you shipping for EACH CD, even though they all come in one lousy box with 4th class postage.  "Honest, I sent them back to you!"  (Heh Heh)
88	Got Milk? Ads	No...I don't have any milk.  And enough with the parody ads that abound.  HA HA!  MONICA LEWINSKY with a "milk" mustache.  That just gets funnier every single time I see it!
87	MAD TV	Well, I usually get mad when I watch it.  Time to send this horse to the glue factory.  Kudos, however, for putting on a show that actually makes Saturday Night Live look good.
86	Jay Leno	Looks even more annoying and unfunny once Letterman makes his post bypass surgery comeback.  Where are your precious Dancing Itos now, Chin-Boy?
85	Abercrombie & Fitch	That song makes me sick.  Every time I see a girl wearing an A&F shirt I just laugh, wondering if she thinks guys really like girls who have them.  Here's a hint, if the shirt is wet and white, we won't care what brand it is.
84	Adults on Scooters	This is as crazy as watching grown men play Pokemon.  Only slightly more annoying than grown men who spend hundreds of dollars making tricked out low rider bicycles.
83	MSN Rebates	Yep, get $400 towards the purchase of stuff if you sign up for 3 years, and end up owing them $470 if you cancel early.  DIE BILL GATES!
82	Sisqo	In Hell, we'll all hear "The Thong Song".  If Dennis Rodman was even more effeminate, he'd be something like Sisqo.  And what's up with that fucked up spelling of his name?  Everyone knows that when you use a "Q" it must always be followed by a "U".   Dummy...
81	Voyager	Fuck...Gilligan found a way to get home quicker than this crew!  I'd love to see the ship blow up right before they make it back to earth.
80	Blair Witch 2	Proof that any movie can have a sequel.  I'm looking forward to "DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR NOW?"
79	Madonna's "MUSIC"	Ironic that an album titled "MUSIC" has precious little of it.  This Gameboy synth crap is he worst yet.  Time to pose nude with Vanilla Ice again!
78	The Michael Richards Show	How anyone can fuck up a show starring Kramer is beyond me.  Congratulations.  Watch for a show next year with George Costanza as a bumbling Urologist with a heart of gold.
77	Faith Hill	She's about as country as Puff Daddy.  And doing a commercial with that evil Pepsi girl is worthy of eternal damnation.  She sure has a purdy mouth, tho!
76	ROTFLMAO	Stop typing this on your emails and online postings!  I've seen the fat asses of most net-folk... trust me...this

75	Master P	The rapper that nobody actually listens to.  Looks like Flavor Flav's bloated alcoholic brother.  Please please please please go away.
74	George W. Bush	Kissed Oprah and he seems really nervous and twitchy.  If not for getting Colin Powell as Secretary of State, he'd be a complete wash.  "Lucky" to get President job just in time for the next recession  (Insert lame cocaine joke here).
73	Diva Starz	Who thought these trashy ho dolls up for kids?  What's next...Li'l Pimps?
72	Tiger Woods	Now makes more money swinging a golf club once, than your entire family ever will.  Voted Sports Illustrated "Athlete of The Year" despite not actually being an athlete.
71	Chyna	PLAYBOY broke their longstanding rule of only featuring nude women in their magazine when they let hermaphrodite WWF wrestling legend CHYNA appear.  Subscriptions among gay men increased dramatically.
70	Anna Kournikova	If Venus or Serena Williams looked this hot, they'd be the most popular athletes since Michael Jordan or Muhammad Ali.  That pesky underwear sure seems to crawl up that ass of hers a lot.
69	Bagger Vance	"I sho gonna hope you golf betta suh!" and other Oscar caliber dialogue are a sure bet to give Will Smith the Best Actor statue this year!  They should have called this one DRIVING RANGE MISS DAISY.  HAW! HAW!
68	Krispy Kreme	They ain't KRISPY and they ain't CREAMY.  These hot greasy loops o' batter suck harder than...well, something that really sucks a lot.
67	The Letter "E"	E this and E that....E NOUGH!
66	John Rocker	Though one of the more successful products of incest in baseball history, his stupidity is appalling beyond belief.  Just one look in those short bus eyes of his, and you know there's some chromosomes bent up in there somewhere.
65	Anne Heche	Thankfully sparing us video footage of lesbian sex with Ellen, her breakup and subsequent desire to date men again made it seem as if she thought lesbianism was just something that was fun and trendy.  Who does she think she is...Howard Stern?
64	Little Mermaid 2	OK, in the first one, Ariel is in the water and really wants to live on land, but in the sequel, her daughter lives on the land and she really wants to live in THE WATER!  BRILLIANT!  In part three, she adopts a son who lives in the sewer.
63	FHM	This MAXIM magazine rip-off sucks majorly.    Though the occasional Alyssa Milano picture ain't half bad.
62	Kim Jong	North Korea's head honcho has embarrassingly bad hair.  He should do the right thing and cut it, or kill himself (It's the law in North Korea...if you don't believe me, go there and ask someone).
61	Webcams	Does anyone really like to look at these consistently updated glaring faces?  I mean check out this clown on the left here...I haven't seen someone look that morose since The Smiths broke up.
60	Helen Hunt	Now in more movies than Brian Dennehy.  You'd think with all this money, she'd get a scalp-lowering surgery at least.
59	AOL IM	The bane of my existence.  Every time I sign on I get at least 20 "How are you" messages from complete strangers.  I don't know how to make it stop.
58	ESPN2	I don't know if they're running out of sports to show on this channel, but I swear to god I saw them showing a MAGIC THE GATHERING tournament on this channel.
57	Jenny Jones	This twisted witch gets the guests that Jerry Springer won't even have.  The collective IQ of her audience is about half of Forrest Gump's.
56	CYBERREBATE .com	Seems like a great idea at first.  A site full of products with money back rebates so you PAY NOTHING.  Until you see that you have to wait more than 3 months to get your money back, and cheap pieces of crap like a carnival quality teddy bear require shelling out more than $100 up front.
55	CD Packaging	Is it that hard to invent a CD package that can be opened in less than an hour?  Jeez!
54	The Million Mom March	The only thing this crazy scheme accomplished was that a million dads and kids were stuck at home with nobody to cook dinner and wash the dishes!
53	Marmaduke	The most unfunny comic of them all.  Charles Schultz dies, yet we're still stuck with this crap, is proof enough that we live in Hell.
52	Federal Express	Bizarre product placement in CAST AWAY with Tom Hanks.  Yeah, I want to send my stuff with that company that crashes their packages into the ocean!  I'm still waiting for that volleyball and ice skates my father sent me for Christmas.
51	The Emperor's New Groove	Disney's bold new era of shitty movies continues into the new millennium.  David Spade plays a talking llama who's buddies with John Goodman.  Wheee!  I'm buying a thousand tickets!

50	Fake Britney Nudes	The web pages seem alluring with their promises of "HOT BRITNEY SPEARS NUDE PIX", or "SECRET 17 YEAR OLD BRITNEY GANBANG VIDEO", but they never quite surface.  Some of these fake pix are so bad, they just pasted her head on Li'l Kim's body.
49	Slobodan Milosovich	How can this modern day Hitler even be allowed to walk around as a free man?  George Bush has had folks executed in Texas for killing a 7-11 clerk, this guy wipes out thousands and still gets to vote?
48	The X-Files	Is this even still on?  This show has lost all relevance or interest.  Taking away that Duchovny/Anderson chemistry was a deathblow.  And bringing in the T-1000 as his replacement does nothing but inspire yawns.
47	Martha Stewart	I bought her magazine and had to go through about 60 pages of ads before I found any actual content.  And good luck finding the interdimensional grocery stores that have the impossible to find ingredients you need to make half the shit in her recipes.  Oh yeah...and don't forget to pick up her classy homewares at K-Mart!  HAW HAW!
46	Kid Rock	White trash, and proud of it.  As phony as the gangsta rap pose...nobody with a million dollars is going to live in a double wide.  But then again, not many rich guys choose to hang around angry midgets instead of women  (RIP Joe C).
45	Anna Nicole Smith	Gotta give this gal credit for getting nearly $500 Million for being the Cryptkeeper's widow and not even having to fuck the guy, but major annoyance points for turning around and suing PLAYBOY for $1.5 million because she thought the pictures they chose to use in an upcoming mag were tacky.  Just take your money and disappear, Ms. Smith.
44	SUVs	If I hear one more SUV owner bitch about the high prices of gas when they troll these 6 MPG monsters around town, I'm gonna dump sugar in their tank!  These are the big-ass boat cars of the new millennium.
43	The Ladies' Man	I saw the trailer for this film a few months before it came out and the audience simply stared at it, dumbfounded.  Only slightly more annoying than Will Ferrell's god awful George W. Bush impersonation.  Tim Meadows is great, but this just doesn't work as a full length film.
42	Incomplete Napster Files	Nothing's worse than downloading a song from NAPSTER only to find out that the last 10 seconds of the song were cut off.  Though I suppose in the case of the Backstreet Boys and NSYNC, the more that's cut off the song, the better.
41	Finger Boards	What inactive fat kids actually play with these things?  I mean how fucking pathetic are you to have to pretend to use a skateboard?
40	NSYNC Puppet Toys	It's bad enough to have a name like Joey Fat-one, but how horrifying it is to see puppets of yourself in the stores.  Nobody wanted these for Christmas, except that bulk order that Jm. J Bullock and Richard Simmons went in on.
39	Boxing	We've seen the day where Boxing has become more fixed than wrestling.  Between Don King's fixes, Mike Tyson's out of the ring antics, and one of the more boring Heavyweight champions of all time (Lennox Lewis), it's tempting to get Ali back in the ring.
38	Al Gore	His shifting debate personalities, broken record messages, and foot dragging on conceding the election make Mr. Gore completely annoying.  Virtually gave Hillary Clinton the 2004 Democratic Spot.
37	Sandra Bullock	Hasn't been in a hit movie since SPEED.  After Miss Congealiality opened at #57, and made 3 cents at the box office, it's about time for her to start guest starring on Moesha any day now.
36	Radio Morning Shows	Mark and Brian, Shawn and Jeff, Bill and Steve, The Morning Circus, The Zoo Crew....DIE DIE DIE all of you and just PLAY SOME FUCKING MUSIC!  Even worse...Morning DJ's who have WACKY sound effects!  Tom Leykis is a close also ran here.
35	Frasier	The love affair between Daphne and Niles is about as believable as the one between Will and Grace.  And if I hear that "Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs" closing theme once more, I'm gonna get Kelsey Grammer thrown in jail and let him know what tossing salads is really about.
34	Geena Davis	Instead of trying to make the US Olympic Archery team, maybe she should have spent some time LEARNING HOW TO ACT.  Her show is so awful, it makes UPN look good.
33	Jenna from SURVIVOR	Though SURVIVOR was some of the best TV I've ever seen, watching this immature bitch cry about missing her kids every episode made me sick.  And once she gets off the island, she does a 2 week promotional tour before finally going back home to see them.  They should have ate her.
32	Stephen King	Discontinued serialization of an online novel that you could download and pay for using "the honor system" because not enough people were paying for it, while oblivious to the fact that the story sucked major donkey cock.
31	Jim Rome Fans	Jim Rome's about the best sports radio host of all time, but his half retarded fans who wait on hold for an hour to read their pathetic rants are about as entertaining as hearing deaf people call in.
30	MP3 Players	Enough of this!  Just make a CD walkman that plays discs with MP3s burned on them, already!
29	Ebola Virus	Death by massive bleeding out your eyes, ears, and asshole....definitely the most annoying way to die of all time.
28	Puff Daddy	He gets to fuck Jennifer Lopez, and you don't...nuff said.  And his teeth are goofy.
27	Priceline	Priceline.com spokesperson William Shatner admits he's never used the service, and their stock goes down the crapper faster than the stomach flu.  Here's a tip, you can find tickets as cheap if not cheaper at travelocity.com, and you don't have to prepay for them.  Or try the airline's own website.
26	Vladimir Putin	Soft and weak.  This paper President of Russia isn't fit to lead and is the laughing stock of all of Mighty Superior America!   Hey, in America, we aren't afraid to ask Norway to help us out with submarine rescues, pal!  Oh yeah, and Rocky kicked Ivan Drago's ASS!

25	Robot Dogs	Maybe they'd be funny if they'd hump a robot leg, but with all the real dogs dying in animal shelter's that'd be happy to play with you without batteries, it seems like a big waste of time.
24	Fred Durst	"I know why you wanna hate me"...yeah, 'cause you suck.  This rock/rap fusion was cool when Public Enemy and Ice T did it, but Limp Bizkit and crew are just pathetic.  10 years go, this guy would just be another dorky square fat guy.
23	Little Nicky	What an abortion of a movie, not even the most diehard Adam Sandler fans thought this piece of shit was funny.  And poor Todd McFarlane took a bath on thinking anyone would actually want action figures based on the film's characters.
22	Carson Daly	Why hasn't anyone taking a shot at this guy through that TRL set window yet?  How exactly did he impress anyone at MTV to get a job there, anyway?
21	Ralph Nader	Single-handedly responsible for everything that went wrong last year, period (blame him).  Did anyone actually want this pathetic schmuck as their leader?  Just go back and crusade against the dangers of Lawn Darts again, eh Ralph?
20	Porn Pop Up Windows	Though I never look at porn sites myself, my friend tells me they're quite bothersome.  Try to close a browser while you're looking at some goat porn, and 80 other windows pop up in it's place, making you play an insane game of cyber-Wack-a-mole before your boss walks by.
19	Baha Men	They said there couldn't be a song more annoying than, "WHOOMP! THERE IT IS!"  They were wrong.
18	Regis Philbin	This guy actually thinks he's the reason Who Wants to Be A Millionaire is successful.  I've got news for ya, pal, Pauly Shore could host this show and it'd still do just as well.  And enough with the "Lifeline", and "Is that Your Final Answer" quips in day to day conversation.  STOP IT NOW!
17	Firestone	Word has it, their tires kind of suck.
16	Katherine Harris	Florida Secretary of State was just doing her job, I suppose, but she's just kind of freaky looking.  I keep expecting her to rip off one of those latex masks from MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.
15	Harry Potter	When adults tell me, "I read Harry Potter...it's REALLY good stuff", I just shake my head in shame.  When the movie comes out later this year, it's going to be even more unbearable.  Once Jack Chick proclaims him as Satan, I'll be happy.
14	Molly Shannon	Easily the most annoying cast member on SNL.  Every character has that same annoying nasal voice.  Must be sleeping with Lorne Michaels.
13	The Olympics	NBC's 16 hour broadcast delays made sure that Martians knew who won before we did.  With half the athletes more coked up than Tony Montana, it was the most boring and uneventful Olympics in a long time.  And no bombs or terrorist attacks, either...WHAT GIVES?
12	Big Brother	Quite simply the most annoying TV show of all time.  This antiseptically boring cast actually thought that the world around them was interested in their every move.  The show sucked so bad that producers tried to get some of the cast to leave early.
11	Playstation 2	Instead of waiting until they have enough units to ship, Sony sends an anemic amount out "in time for Christmas" just to be the HOT toy.  Do yourself a favor and don't waste your cash.  Get a Dreamcast, or wait for Microsoft's XBOX.
10	Backstreet Boys	Do I even need to explain?
9	Darva Congher	Forget her 1 day husband, Darva became the ultimate annoying media whore when she married a Millionaire on TV that she never met, told everyone how sad she was that the press wasn't treating her fairly, then stripped naked to show off her barely visible breasts in PLAYBOY.  She'll be making porn with Ron Jeremy in no time.
8	Whasssuuup?	Boy, this gets funnier EVERY SINGLE TIME I HEAR IT!  I admit it had it's charm at first, but you know a catchphrase starts to suck when your grandma says it to you.  Definitely the "Where's The Beef" of 2000.
7	Elian Gonzalez	Back in Cuba, rolling cigars for Castro, you know the poor tyke is busy crying, "I fucking gave up Disneyworld FOR THIS!"
6	The New York Yankees	The best baseball team money can buy.  Who needs The All-Star Game when you have The Yankees?  The lack of a salary cap in Major League Baseball is destroying the game, and the threat of a new strike in 2002 might just put the nail in the coffin once and for all.
5	Madonna's Wedding	Did anyone really care about this?  Damn the media for shoving this down our throats like we really cared.  You'd think with all the cash she dumped in to it, that she'd at least get that gap in her teeth fixed, too.
4	Battlefield Earth	What's worse than a pompous self-centered project meant to subliminally hypnotize America into buying the garbage of Scientology?  Why...a rumored SEQUEL to it, that's what.  Poor John Travolta just can't find his groove lately.  Watch for, LOOK WHO'S TALKING: THE NEXT GENERATION soon.
3	Lars Ulrich	Rewards diehard Metallica fans who trade the band's songs on Napster by banning them from using the service.  Once the role model for cool rock fans, now a corporate schmuck who looks like a jerk every time he opens his mouth.  Enter Assman.
2	Chads	The most overused and annoying word of the year.  Dimpled chads, pregnant chads, hanging chads...ugh!  If these tiny bits of paper serve any purpose, it'll be to wake us up into the modern age and switch to computerized voting pronto.
1	PEPSI GIRL	If you rescramble the letters of Hallie Eisenborg, it spells the secret message, "ALIEN GERBIL HOSE", which is only a small glimpse into the evil she presents. She's been annoying for a while, but reached all new levels of annoyance by filming PEPSI commercials with Faith Hill and even KISS!  Why doesn't PEPSI realize that this freakishly dimpled girl discourages folks from buying their soda?  Until they have a promotion where you can hit her in the face with a shovel with each can you buy, she's just wasted cash!

Well, I hope you enjoyed this trip through the last year.  But worry not, cause 2001 is sure to be just as annoying.  

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com