GREEN LANTERN vs. AQUAMAN

GREEN LANTERN:  Behold!  I am the great Green Lantern!!!  Some say I'm the greatest super hero of all time.  With my power ring I can shoot out energy using my will power and do or make whatever I want.  But it's a Friday night, and frankly, I'm rather bored.  

GREEN LANTERN:  Wonder Woman's not returning my calls anymore after that Power Ring vibrator mishap.  Perhaps I can drown my sorrows in a giant Power Ring Martini!  Oh yeah...this stuff is awesome.  Of ccurse now my blood alcohol level is 104%!  GREAT OA!  I'm drunker than 4 Russians!

GREEN LANTERN:  I'm feeling kinda horny now!  I think a king size Anna Kournikova Power Ring Love Slave will fit the bill just fine!  Come here, sweet thang...

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

GREEN LANTERN:  Ahhh, SHIT!  Someone's at the door!  Who could it be at this hour? 

GREEN LANTERN:  Aquaman?  What the hell are you doing here?

AQUAMAN:  I've come to put a stop to your madness!  You're out of control, Green Lantern, and have become a menace to decent people everywhere!

GREEN LANTERN:  Hey, I'm ready for a fight...go ahead and bring in the rest of The Justice League...

AQUAMAN: The rest?  No, it's just me.

GREEN LANTERN:  (Laughing) Just you?  Oh come on now, you're Aquaman for crying out loud.  I can make anything I want with my Power Ring.  All you can do is swim and mentally control fish.

AQUAMAN:  But you forget, I'm also the Lord of Atlantis! 

GREEN LANTERN:  I thought that was The Sub-Mariner!

AQUAMAN: No, he works for another company.  Ha Ha!  Have you seen that freak?  He has wings on his ankles!  What a DORK!

GREEN LANTERN:  DORK?  You're the one walking around looking like a tangerine with green legs!  Let's face it, you suck in every way known to man!

AQUAMAN:  What do you mean I suck?  I can breathe underwater!  I'm pretty damn strong, too.  Did I mention I can control fish with my mind?

GREEN LANTERN:  We're in the middle of the city, for chrissakes, Aquaman.  What are you gonna do, turn my pet Sea Monkeys against me?

AQUAMAN:  I will find a weakness.  Somehow there is a way to defeat you!  And I will find it!

GREEN LANTERN:  I don't have a weakness!  My ring is all powerful, it just doesn't work on anything that's colored yellow.

AQUAMAN:  Well that's pretty damn lame.  Can't you get that fixed?

GREEN LANTERN:  Nah, that imperfection was put in there deliberately by The Guardians of OA.

AQUAMAN:  Why?  And why have we inexplicably turned into plush toys?

GREEN LANTERN:  Uhhh... I don't know that either.

GREEN LANTERN: Well at least my weakness isn't as lame as YOUR weakness!  What is it...you can't be out of water for more than an hour, or you'll die?  Ha Ha!  How lame is that?

AQUAMAN:  I've got plenty of time to destroy you!

GREEN LANTERN: Didn't you take the subway here?  That's at least a 50 minute ride alone!

AQUAMAN: Shit, you're right.  Mind if I use your bathtub really quick?  Give a guy a sporting chance, at least?

GREEN LANTERN:  Ah, jeez...OK!!!  Just come back soon so I can kick your ass!

AQUAMAN:  Thanks, be right back!  I'm just gonna take a quick bath and drink a few gallons of water!

GREEN LANTERN:  This is ridiculous! When he comes back, I'm gonna make a giant Power Ring Chainsaw and cut his head off!  Then I can get back to Anna K.  Man, listen to him in there.  How can one man drink so much water, anyway!?!

AQUAMAN:  HA HA!  Take that, you stupid Green Bastard!

GREEN LANTERN:  What the hell?  You're pissing all over me!  That's fucking sick!

AQUAMAN: That's right!

GREEN LANTERN:  I can't move!  The yellow urine is covering my Power Ring, making it useless!  YOU WIN!  YOU WIN!

ANNA KOURNIKOVA:  So, Aquaman ... you can show me...how you say it..."Talk to my fish?"

AQUAMAN:  Sure thing, baby!

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com