X-RATED ATARI GAMES
Though it's hard to believe, somebody once thought that the incredibly crude graphics from the Atari 2600
videogame system from the late 70s was just the place to showcase adult
videogames. Sure there's been sexy tease scenes and nubile volleyball
players jiggling about in modern videogames, but a company Mystique made games for
the Atari that were nothing short of hardcore, with unspeakable and preposterous
acts so sleazy, even Larry Flynt would blush!
Mystique wrote in their promotional literature of the time, "We
at Mystique feel that it's time for video games and their adult players to come
out of the closet, away from the kids, and deal with ADULT fantasies. After all,
grown-ups have been known to be imaginative and competitive, as well as have
fantasies." Let's take a look at how imaginative these fantasies really
To think that the Atari 2600, with its simple blocky graphics
could make games that were even remotely erotic was laughable, but that didn't
stop Mystique from trying. But as you will see, it's no easy feat to make
the jump from Pong to Schlong.
Let's examine Mystique's debut game, Custer's Revenge. We all now that Custer was
Indians at The Battle of Little Big Horn. Well in this game, he apparently comes
back from the dead to get a little redskin tail! As he runs about naked and
dodges bullets with little George a' floppin', he gets to force himself on this naked Indian gal who's tied up to a stake! Mystique considering adding an option where she
sues him and uses her settlement to open a casino, but decided against it.
So...just...wow...an Atari game that let you score points by raping Indians.
The instructions to the game were equally offensive, with the outrageous tip, "P.S.
If the kids catch you and should ask, tell them Custer and the maiden are just
dancing." Funny that these instructions also appear on the PS2 game, Kobe
Bryant Streetball over 20 years later.
This game, Bachelor Party, captured the spirit of that
pre-marriage party ritual by featuring the exciting play of a guy bouncing
around a room full of naked women. It played pretty much like Breakout,
but instead of a paddle and a ball, you had a container of spanish fly, and a
naked dude. The instructions in this game are equally creepy, as they need
to remind you, "Note that when the bachelor flies toward the women, his private
part (P.P.) is in an erect state. As he returns toward the Spanish Fly, it is in
a limp condition. Also note that as the bachelor travels around, The Flight of
the Bumble Bee is played."
As the enlarged graphic shows, the little purple stud is ready for action! Not only does he have a
penis longer than his arm, but he's the spitting image of children's TV icon, Barney!
Burning Desire was one of the higher concept
adult Atari games. As natives held your hot babe hostage,
you had to guide the naked hero, suspended on a cable from a helicopter, to
extinguish the fire by blowing your load on it, then you lower your erect cock
into her mouth, which she bites while you fly away to safety (just like girls
you meet in New Jersey dance clubs!).
They even made a completely separate version of the game where a woman hero was used and had to save the day
by giving the poor fella a mouthful of her big orange pixelated jugs!
A Knight on The Town had you "lay" bricks across a dangerous moat so you could "lay" the
big assed damsel in distress over yonder. But lord help you if you fell inside, because you'd fall victim to the terrible...
...PENIS EATING CROCODILES!
But by far, the craziest game from this genre to CUM out (get it??? HAW HAW HAW) for Atari was Beat 'Em and
Eat 'Em! Remember Activision's Kaboom, where you had to move a bucket of water back and forth to catch a ton of cannonballs dropped by a mad bomber? Well,
this was pretty similar, except the mad bomber was a crazy masturbator who has the ability to shoot more loads than Peter North! You control two semen hungry
blondes who run naked on the street trying to guzzle up every last drop (Which is yellow for some strange reason...perhaps he had hepatitis).
As you can see from this enlargement, the women were exquisitely detailed. Not only does this blonde
bombshell have nipples longer than most people's fingers, but you can see that she's a natural blonde, too! The most surprising twist in this game is the animated
pleasure the girls exhibit at the end of each round!
Yep! They're licking their lips with delight!
Even though it seems shocking to realize games were made like this, they were incredibly hard to find in
stores and were sold mostly through mail order. The mere thought of someone shelling out $35 to play one of these games to "get off is hilarious".
It's probably the same guy that would make a sex doll out of Lego blocks. Atari never condoned the games, and basically refused to comment on them, hoping they'd
just go away.
A rare screen shot from Atari's
unreleased, ET'S PIMP MACHINE
If you'd like to actually play these games (or any other Atari game, for that matter), you can download the
fantastically easy to use Stella Emulator HERE.
And then visit the incredible site,
and you can find many of the actual ROM files to play these games.