X-RATED ATARI GAMES
it's hard to believe, somebody once thought that the incredibly crude
graphics from the Atari 2600 videogame system from the late 70s was just
the place to showcase adult videogames. Sure there's been sexy tease
scenes and nubile volleyball players jiggling about in modern videogames,
but a company Mystique made games for the Atari that were nothing short of
hardcore, with unspeakable and preposterous acts so sleazy, even Larry
Flynt would blush!
Mystique wrote in their promotional
literature of the time, "We at Mystique feel that it's time for video
games and their adult players to come out of the closet, away from the
kids, and deal with ADULT fantasies. After all, grown-ups have been known
to be imaginative and competitive, as well as have fantasies." Let's take
a look at how imaginative these fantasies really were!
To think that the Atari 2600, with its
simple blocky graphics could make games that were even remotely erotic was
laughable, but that didn't stop Mystique from trying. But as you will
see, it's no easy feat to make the jump from Pong to Schlong.
Let's examine Mystique's
debut game, Custer's Revenge. We all now that Custer was massacred by
Indians at The Battle of Little Big Horn. Well in this game, he
apparently comes back from the dead to get a little redskin tail! As he
runs about naked and dodges bullets with little George a' floppin', he
gets to force himself on this naked Indian gal who's tied up to a stake!
Mystique considering adding an option where she sues him and uses her
settlement to open a casino, but decided against it. So...just...wow...an
Atari game that let you score points by raping Indians. The instructions
to the game were equally offensive, with the outrageous tip, "P.S.
If the kids catch you and should ask, tell them Custer and the maiden are
just dancing." Funny that these instructions also appear on the PS2 game,
Kobe Bryant Streetball over 20 years later.
This game, Bachelor Party, captured the
spirit of that pre-marriage party ritual by featuring the exciting play of
a guy bouncing around a room full of naked women. It played pretty much
like Breakout, but instead of a paddle and a ball, you had a container of
spanish fly, and a naked dude. The instructions in this game are equally
creepy, as they need to remind you, "Note that when the bachelor flies
toward the women, his private part (P.P.) is in an erect state. As he
returns toward the Spanish Fly, it is in a limp condition. Also note that
as the bachelor travels around, The Flight of the Bumble Bee is played."
As the enlarged graphic
shows, the little purple stud is ready for action! Not only does he have
a penis longer than his arm, but he's the spitting image of children's TV
Burning Desire was one of
the higher concept adult Atari games. As natives held your hot babe
hostage, you had to guide the naked hero, suspended on a cable from a
helicopter, to extinguish the fire by blowing your load on it, then you
lower your erect cock into her mouth, which she bites while you fly away
to safety (just like girls you meet in New Jersey dance clubs!).
They even made a completely
separate version of the game where a woman hero was used and had to save
the day by giving the poor fella a mouthful of her big orange pixelated
A Knight on The Town had you
"lay" bricks across a dangerous moat so you could "lay" the big assed
damsel in distress over yonder. But lord help you if you fell inside,
because you'd fall victim to the terrible...
But by far, the craziest
game from this genre to CUM out (get it??? HAW HAW HAW) for Atari was Beat
'Em and Eat 'Em! Remember Activision's Kaboom, where you had to move a
bucket of water back and forth to catch a ton of cannonballs dropped by a
mad bomber? Well, this was pretty similar, except the mad bomber was a
crazy masturbator who has the ability to shoot more loads than Peter
North! You control two semen hungry blondes who run naked on the street
trying to guzzle up every last drop (Which is yellow for some strange
reason...perhaps he had hepatitis).
As you can see from this
enlargement, the women were exquisitely detailed. Not only does this
blonde bombshell have nipples longer than most people's fingers, but you
can see that she's a natural blonde, too! The most surprising twist in
this game is the animated pleasure the girls exhibit at the end of each
Yep! They're licking
their lips with delight!
Even though it seems
shocking to realize games were made like this, they were incredibly hard
to find in stores and were sold mostly through mail order. The mere
thought of someone shelling out $35 to play one of these games to "get off
is hilarious". It's probably the same guy that would make a sex doll out
of Lego blocks. Atari never condoned the games, and basically refused to
comment on them, hoping they'd just go away.
A rare screen shot from
Atari's unreleased, ET'S PIMP MACHINE
If you'd like to actually
play these games (or any other Atari game, for that matter), you can
download the fantastically easy to use Stella Emulator
And then visit the incredible site,
Age, and you can find many of the actual ROM files to play these