THE SCARY BREASTS of CHESTY MORGAN

Boobs and bullets have long been the recipe for a successful movie since the 1927 Buster Keaton silent film, "Hot Jugs, Cold Steel".  But no film has blended giant breasts and espionage like the 1974 classic DOUBLE AGENT 73.  I've heard about this film spoken in whispers in dark alleyways and nasty adult video parlors in San Francisco, and I was pleased beyond belief when I finally got to see it.  It may quite possibly be the most achingly bad train wreck of a movie I've ever had the pleasure of laughing at.

DOUBLE AGENT 73 is one of those films that appears to have been made on a dare.  The plot is so preposterous, that you have to wonder if the director, Doris Wishman, was eating peyote for breakfast every morning before she showed up to work.  By the way, you read that right, this early exploitation film was directed by a woman.  Keep in mind, this was the early 70s where women directors were almost non-existent for any form of film, so to see one get a break and choose to make titty pictures, is a rarity indeed.

Wishman had already made a modest living directing "nudist" films in The Sixties.  The porno film wasn't a commercial viable form of entertainment yet, so films she made like BLAZE STAR GOES NUDIST (1960), DIARY OF A NUDIST (1961), THE PRINCE AND THE NATURE GIRL (1962), NUDE ON THE MOON (1962), GENTLEMEN PREFER NATURE GIRLS (1962), and BEHIND THE NUDIST CURTAIN (1964) helped satisfy young men eager to learn about the nudist lifestyle.

Her contemporary, gore legend Herschell Gordon Lewis, who had also made a string of nudie films, started to make exploitation films, so Wishman changed with the times as well.  With films with titles like BAD GIRLS GO TO HELL (1965), A TASTE OF HER FLESH (1967), and KEYHOLES ARE FOR PEEPING (1972), Doris definitely changed gears. 

But when Wishman hooked up with a Polish stripper named Chesty Morgan, she found her true calling.  Her shot to reach immortality as a film director took off!  The poster's stats for this early 70s appearance at a Boston strip club doesn't lie.  Chesty (born Lillian Wilczkowsky...come on now, you didn't think her parents really named her that, did ya?  Yeah, and her sister's name was "Vulvie") was born to be in film.  Though she may not have been able to act, or speak well without a horrible accident, her gigantic breasts were just begging to bounce up and down on the silver screen.  And Doris Wishman knew just the film to cast her in.

DEADLY WEAPONS (1973) tells the tale of a woman who seeks revenge on mobsters who kill her boyfriend.  Though she carries a gun in the film, she finds that it's much more effective to wipe out the murderers (one of which is played by porno legend and DEEP THROAT co-star Harry Reems), by smothering them with her big ol' boobs!  And to go "undercover" she does the natural thing by getting a job in a strip club, so she can lure the killers (who must naturally like going to strip clubs) out of hiding.  Make sense?  I didn't think so, but you don't watch a film like this 'cause it makes sense. 

But if you think DEADLY WEAPONS made no sense, wait until you hear the concept for the follow up from CHESTY and DORIS, DOUBLE AGENT 73.  For some unknown reason, Chesty is one of America's best secret agents.  She's chosen for a special mission, that only someone with her unique talents can handle.

It starts out with Chesty relaxing at a nudist colony.  Stock footage from Doris' older nudie films is used of naked folk playing volleyball, while Chesty, wearing some of the most god awful clothes the world has ever seen, and relaxes in the sun.  She goes through about 8 bottles of suntan lotion before she can adequately cover up her massive jugs.

Then she decides to read a book.  I wonder if it's a POP UP book.  HAW HAW HAW!  You're treated to about 2 minutes of her reading this book, apparently to show that not only does she have huge boobs, but she's smart as well.

But her vacation doesn't last long.  She's called in to headquarters away from her relaxation (just like in MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2, those thieves!), to perform a special mission of her own.  She needs to infiltrate some sort of gang that's involved in some sort of crime (it's never fully explained so it could be anything from drug smuggling to ripping the tags off pillows), and take pictures of the evidence.  You'd think they'd give her some sort of cool mini spy cam she can hide in her purse, right?

WRONG!  The scientific geniuses in her spy organization think it'd be a much better idea to surgically implant a camera in her left breast that can take pictures if she squeezes her nipple!  Yep, so when she finds secret papers, she has to take her shirt off, fondle her breasts, and snap away.  Though there's a catch, you see.  If she doesn't return with the pictures within 36 hours...HER BREASTS WILL EXPLODE!  Holy shit, that's a pretty intense setup!  Needless to say she sets about her work, quickly.

CHESTY finds secret papers, that don't seem to reveal much of anything in her travels.  You'd think it'd be easy for her to simply steal them and run back to HQ, but then you wouldn't be treated to scenes like the pictures above show.  Wishman's direction is hilarious as she'll zoom in on her boobs so they take the entire screen up for nearly a minute at a time.  And these breasts aren't exactly the best looking set in the world.  They're a bloated and misshapen varicose mess at this point in CHESTY's career, which ends up being about as erotic as catching your Grandma naked in the shower.  

But it gets better.  Not only does she get to take pictures with her boobs, but she gets to kill off her enemies in creative ways that'd make Freddy Krueger jealous.  She actually punches a guy out with her tits in one scene, chokes a guy to death by shoving a ton of ice cubes down his throat, and tricks another into licking her POISONED NIPPLES!  Movies just don't get any better than that!

When she gets back to her Spy Headquarters and has the film removed, the pictures reviewed in a slideshow ends up being a series of guys laying on the floor dead that she offed!  The whole operation was a bust!  Then they realize that the guy that they were after had a tell tale scar on his ear, and they could have just caught him from the start, had they just paid attention to that.

It makes little sense, but this is definitely one of those bring the friends over and get drunk while you laugh your ass off movies.  Something Weird video has released nice DVD version with a lot of extras as well.

Chesty went on to appear in a small role in Federico Fellini's CASANOVA (pictured above) but never appeared in film again.  Her current whereabouts are unknown, but she's likely suffering from tremendous back pain.

In this age of overly siliconed women who think they need fake overly enormous boobs to make it in today's film industry, it's refreshing to see that a woman with real overly enormous boobs once had a dream to make it big...and well, settled for cheezy exploitation movies instead. 

-Robert
webmaster@retrocrush.com