Count Dante Loves Sea Monkeys

I've easily read 100 comic books for every book I've read, but that's mostly just because I'm not very smart.  In fact, as a dumb comic book fan growing up (mostly Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, and the 70s DC Horror titles like House of Mystery and The Witching Hour), I was the prime target audience for the crazy advertising they had within.  Before there was such a thing as stupid banner ads on web pages to ignore, there were stupid comic book ads.  Here's some of my favorites (that I've ripped off from a site that apparently hasn't been updated since 1996, that I thought you'd all get a kick out of.  It's hard to believe kids were even dumber back then than they are today.

Dig this crazy "Life Size" MONSTER GHOST from the ever-trustworthy Melton Company.  What a poor existence these ghosts must lead.  Not only to they have to do the bidding of pimply undersexed kids everywhere, but they have to "dance to music, too."  What you got was a cheap-ass plastic cutout that you could tie to a string (not included) and pull it up and down.  Though how you could actually rig this sucker to work from "as far as 100 feet away" is a mystery to me, it's still a bargain, considering you get this cool reanimated skeleton that crawls right out of your pocket.  Believe me, the only thing that crawled out of your pocket after ordering this was the dollar you sent them.

Well, if that giant monster didn't do enough to terrorize your neighborhood (rumor has it that's how the whole Blair Witch thing started, by the way), then you were ready to upgrade to GROW 7 MONSTERS. Holy shit! Just imagine the chaos you'd create after unleashing these Godzilla sized monstrosities on the locals. Finally, you could teach everyone who laughed at you a lesson! Yep, back in the day, you didn't do pussy stuff like throwing on a trench coat and shooting up your schoolmates, you just grew 7 GIANT MONSTERS to kick their ass! This was extremely popular in Japan. Sadly, ads like GROW 7 MONSTERS are no longer seen, replaced instead with ones like GROW A 7 INCH MONSTER COCK.

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This pet monkey ad is one of my favorites. It was pretty common to sell animals through the mail as if they were simple monster ghosts back in the 60s and 70s. This Monkey ad takes the cake (which you can click to make it bigger, but not as big as a GROW MONSTER). Not only does this poor monkey have to sit in a box for a week or so until he gets to some schmuck kid's house, but he gets to arrive with expert care advice like, "eats the same food as you...even LOLLIPOPS!" Yeah, those monkeys in the wild always love good old lollipops. It's a jungle staple! How many of these things ended biting "Little Charlie" or getting set loose in the backyard for the neighbor's dog to eat?

And if a monkey wasn't enough trouble, can you imagine the poor parents that were surprised to get a baby raccoon in the mail? I love how the ad says, "Has always been, and still is America's favorite pet!" Yeah, it wasn't until the late 70s that things changed and we switched to dogs and cats. The likelihood of Hialeah Pets getting their asses sued off for hundreds of raccoon attacks is hilarious. This ad came out about the same time the Davy Crockett show was popular, so you could have always made a coonskin cap out of him if things didn't work out, I suppose.

A great way to teach kid tolerance of the gay lifestyle was to give them a mated pair of Pet Seahorses complete with a PREGNANT MALE who'll give birth to up to 20 babies. You'll notice that like the monkey and raccoon, these also are shipped from Florida, which apparently was the Mecca of mail order animals back then.

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If you click the little picture above, you'll see how you can order a miniature dog AT NO COST, simply by handing out ads to your friends. This dog is really something special, because he's "so intelligent, he's almost HUMAN!" Their angle is a novel one. They send you a free dog. You take a picture of it, then show copies of a painting someone makes of your dog, and convince them to order paintings of their own pets. What the FUCK? Why someone didn't become a millionaire with this "can't lose" scheme is a mystery to me. You'll see on the bottom of the ad that you can get a free monkey pulling the same scam, too. Now if they only would have sent a free Filipino Hooker with a deal like this, it may have turned out to be something that survived the long term.

Aside from ordering furry things to play with, you could order furry things to glue on to your face! I don't know about you, but I don't know if I'd call that look "exciting" or "romantic" ever. I love how they want you to send them the color of your hair, but if you're not sure, "send a sample of your hair and leave the matching to our expert." I bet it would have been funny to have just sent a thatch of your pubic hair to see what they'd do. Their hair expert would likely say, "Ah, another Greek customer!"

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Of course, if you really want to turn up the heat on the ladies click the ad above and see this crazy glow in the dark tie! As the ad says, "Girls Can't Resist It!" You know, you'd think if you could put a "can't resist" message on a glow in the dark tie, you might aim higher than "Kiss Me, Baby" and go for "Gobble my shaft with your loving mouth!" But, alas, it was only the 50s, and that sort of brazen tie artwork was still decades away.

If the Glow-Tie's subtle suggestions to win female favor failed to work, why not just order a HYPNO-COIN and make women obey your every whim the old fashioned way...THROUGH HYPNOSIS? I love the picture of the woman walking with her arms outstretched like some sort of zombie. If I had ordered all of this crap, I'd hypnotize a woman to eat the seahorses, and then wear the Glow-Tie, and watch her kiss other women with her nasty seahorse breath. Or, maybe not.

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Click the ANT FARM ad above and take a look at the girl's eyes. Looks like someone used a HYPNO-COIN on her to convince her to buy it. Man, she's one scary looking chick!

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Of course, after unleashing monsters, wild animals, and unwanted mental control on your neighborhood, you'll likely have to learn how to defend yourself, so why not learn from the best in the business? COUNT DANTE, THE DEADLIEST MAN ALIVE seems like a great place to start. Actually, DANTE looks suspiciously like "Angel" from THE ROCKFORD FILES. Though if learning to fight from THE BLACK DRAGON FIGHTING SOCIETY isn't up your alley, why not learn the secrets of Ninjitsu? The ad on the right states that Ninjitsu is one of the most carefully guarded secret martial arts (with the exception of the millions of copies that were made of this comic book). They even have the courtesy to give a special "heads up" to law enforcement to make them aware of the advanced fighting techniques (and give them a bulk rate discount if needed).

Well, I'd write about some more of them, but I've got too much work to do trying to bring raccoons back as "America's Favorite Pet" again.

-Robert
webmaster@retrocrush.com