Tom Cruise is NOT GAY!


I'm NOT GAY!

There's no doubt that Tom Cruise is one of the most well known and successful stars in film history. Every film since Top Gun has opened at #1 without breaking a sweat, even Cocktail. But even though Cruise's career may seem enchanted, make no references to fairy dust being the magic source of his power, or he might sue you for defamation of character.

Yep, in recent months Cruise has sued two different men for alleging that they had gay affairs. In May he sued an "erotic wrestler" (no, not Kamala The Ugandan Giant), Chad Slater, for telling a French magazine that he was his gay lover, and even got caught in the act by Nicole Kidman. And just a month later, he sued another man, Michael Davis, for offering to sell videos of the two in action together. 

Though the claims by these two are outlandish, Cruise felt that even the mildest hint that he may be gay damaged his film career to the extent that he's seeking a combined $200 Million in damages against the two in separate lawsuits. 

Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields told E! Online, "Cruise is a great respecter of homosexual rights, but he's not gay, and he's ready to prove this in court...Tom is tired of it and it hurts his children. It's something that will be there forever. And damn it, he's going to stop it." 

Yep, this is the same Tom Cruise who showed what a stud he was by flirting with the gorgeous Shelly Long in Losin' It.

The same Tom Cruise who seduced Brad Pitt and sucked his warm bodily fluids in Interview With The Vampire.

The same Tom Cruise that shouts "Respect The Cock!" in Magnolia.

The same Tom Cruise that gets called a fag by some street thugs in Eyes Wide Shut.

The same Tom Cruise that tells a shirtless Cuba Gooding, Jr, "You're My Motherfucker!" in Jerry Maguire.

The same Tom Cruise who yells, "Penis! Penis! Big fucking erect penis, ma!" in Born on The Fourth of July.

The same Tom Cruise who starred in a movie called Cocktail.

How could being gay hurt a career built on this type of heterosexual magic?


II said, I'm NOT GAY!

Quentin Tarantino had a great bit part in the film Sleep With Me when he makes the following rant about Top Gun at a party:

Sid: You want subversion on a massive level. You know what one of the greatest fucking scripts ever written in the history of Hollywood is? Top Gun.

Duane: Oh, come on.

Sid: Top Gun is fucking great. What is Top Gun? You think it's a story about a bunch of fighter pilots.

Duane: It's about a bunch of guys waving their dicks around.

Sid: It is a story about a man's struggle with his own homosexuality. It is! That is what Top Gun is about, man. You've got Maverick, all right? He's on the edge, man. He's right on the fucking line, all right? And you've got Iceman, and all his crew. They're gay, they represent the gay man, all right? And they're saying, go, go the gay way, go the gay way. He could go both ways.

Duane: What about Kelly McGillis?

Sid: Kelly McGillis, she's heterosexuality. She's saying: no, no, no, no, no, no, go the normal way, play by the rules, go the normal way. They're saying no, go the gay way, be the gay way, go for the gay way, all right? That is what's going on throughout that whole movie... He goes to her house, all right? It looks like they're going to have sex, you know, they're just kind of sitting back, he's takin' a shower and everything. They don't have sex. He gets on the motorcycle, drives away. She's like, "What the fuck, what the fuck is going on here?" Next scene, next scene you see her, she's in the elevator, she is dressed like a guy. She's got the cap on, she's got the aviator glasses, she's wearing the same jacket that the Iceman wears. She is, okay, this is how I gotta get this guy, this guy's going towards the gay way, I gotta bring him back, I gotta bring him back from the gay way, so I'll do that through subterfuge, I'm gonna dress like a man. All right? That is how she approaches it. Okay, now let me just ask you - I'm gonna digress for two seconds here. I met this girl Amy here, she's like floating around here and everything. Now, she just got divorced, right? All right, but the REAL ending of the movie is when they fight the MIGs at the end, all right? Because he has passed over into the gay way. They are this gay fighting fucking force, all right? And they're beating the Russians, the gays are beating the Russians. And it's over, and they fucking land, and Iceman's been trying to get Maverick the entire time, and finally, he's got him, all right? And what is the last fucking line that they have together? They're all hugging and kissing and happy with each other, and Ice comes up to Maverick, and he says, "Man, you can ride my tail, anytime!" And what does Maverick say? "You can ride mine!" Swordfight! Swordfight! Fuckin' A, man!"


I'll shake your hand, but I'm NOT GAY!

This isn't the first time Cruise has sued over his manhood. Years ago he sued a paper for suggesting he was sterile, and yet another one for suggesting he and Nicole needed a sex coach for their "steamy" scenes in Eyes Wide Shut that had all the chemistry of toothpaste and orange juice.

What's next?  At this rate he's about ready to sue Richard Simmons for having an erotic dream about him.  After that, he's gonna go after The Flintstones because he's just certain that, "We'll have a gay old time" lyric is a dig at him.  And let's not get into those assholes that make Ben-Gay that are trying to smear him.

Shakespeare may have said it best, "Methinks thou doth protest too much."

Is it Cruise's right to sue? Certainly.  But is it really about preventing people from spreading lies?

Just imagine if a woman claimed to have a sex video featuring her and Cruise, or if some hot chick told a magazine that Nicole walked in on her and Tom gettin' busy.  Think he'd sue then?

When Ricky Martin is confronted with gay rumors, he merely laughs it off.  Why can't Cruise just do the same?

My theory is that The Church of Scientology, frustrated with the lackluster box office performance of Battlefield Earth, needs the cash.  In fact, the bylaws of their church require members to surrender a huge portion of their cash, so they stand a lot to gain.  

Hey, Xenu's gotta eat, too.

I've been holding on to some secret photos Tom Cruise took for a gay website, but was afraid to publish them here for fear of getting sued, but somebody has to stand up and do what's right.  So I'm putting my neck out there and risking a $100 Million lawsuit with these pix.  Also, I figure I can countersue for the mental stress of suffering through his Mission Impossible filx, so it'll be a wash.

They're strikingly authentic looking, and aside from some mild shadowing flaws on the jaw, they appear to be the real deal.  I appreciate the courage shown by the folks at gayblack.com for releasing these, and can't wait for their upcoming exposes on Mark Wahlberg and Michael Rappaport.

Please direct all lawsuits to lronhubbard@dianetics.cult

-Robert
webmaster@retrocrush.com

  get transformers @ tfaw.com