SUPER-HERO MYSTERIES

"Do you think Mr. Fantastic can stretch his dinky, also? " 
-
Brodie to Stan Lee in MALLRATS

Hats off to Kevin Smith for exploring that question.  The sexual proclivities of superheroes is something that's been vastly under-explored ever since Batman first slid down his Bat-Pole.  

Wondering if Plastic-Man or Mr. Fantastic could satisfy a woman while standing in a different room was one of the first things a comic book fan thought about.  But I always took it a step further.  Like when Reed Richards was going at it with his wife Sue, The Invisible Woman, did she ever turn on her invisibility powers?  It'd look like he was just humping his bed if someone walked in on him.  Though you have to admit, it'd be pretty damn cool to see yourself climax inside of an invisible chick!  And what kind of cocky bastard decides to name himself Mr. Fantastic, anyway?  I suppose if I could stretch my Twinkie to be 80 feet long, I'd deserve that nickname, too.  Actually, if you think about it ,a stretchable neck means Mr. Fantastic doesn't really need Sue around, anyway.

Though not quite elastic, another character with squiggly extensions was Medusa from the mysterious Inhumans.  As you can see from this cover of Spider-Man #62, she can control her hair to do amazing things.  You'd think if she wanted to become EVEN MORE powerful, she'd let her armpit hair and pubes grow extra long to be an unstoppable hair machine!


This great toy from the 70s allowed you to squirt sticky goo in your bedroom without those pesky hairy palm side-effects

Spider-Man is full of strange secrets.  Not only does he beat the odds after getting bitten by a radioactive spider by remaining cancer-free, but he takes on spider-attributes like crawling up walls, and super strength.  But why can't he spin webs from his ass like a real spider?  And what the hell is this so-called "Spider-Sense" that warns him of danger?  Every time I see a spider on the wall, he sure doesn't seem to get any sense of impending doom before I smack him with a newspaper.


I don't recall Hulk wearing a belt, let alone one with a personalized buckle

Should it really be that hard for anyone to figure out that The Hulk is really Bruce Banner?  I mean he's the only guy in the world that wears purple pants EVERY SINGLE DAY!  And why is it that when Banner turns to The Hulk, his shirt flies off, but when She-Hulk first turned, only cleavage revealing tears happened?  What a gyp!  As the picture above shows, your nipples clearly disappear after hulking out, so it's not going to be pornographic.  And if Banner really didn't want to turn in to Hulk, wouldn't a nice Prozac prescription keep him from getting angry?

To bring this into the gutter further, I sometimes wonder if The Hulk shits green?  I mean everything else turns green when he transforms, why not his crap?  And if so, would it turn brown again when he goes back to being Bruce Banner?  On that same note, does The Invisible Woman have invisible pee?  Even sicker is the thought that she probably has invisible monthly periods.  I mean her blood has to turn invisible, why not that?  I was talking with Matt about this and he thinks that her period blood is not only invisible, but that she can will it to stay invisible after she herself is visible again!  The willpower she has to keep thousands of stained pads invisible through the years in dumps across the country is mindboggling.

While we're on the subject of invisibility, Sue Storm should technically be blind whenever she uses her powers, as the light would go right through her eyes with nothing to refract against.  

Speaking of blind super-heroes, Matt Murdock clearly wasn't faking his disability as Daredevil, as you'd HAVE to be blind to put together outfits like this!  Daredevil couldn't see, but had developed his other senses to the degree where he had super hearing, and a sort of radar vision.  His hands became so sensitive that he could read books by feeling the ink.  Something tells me he must have been a PLAYBOY subscriber.


"Enough of this super-power crap, I wanna be a cripple again!"

I never understood Super-heroes with lame alter-egos that could turn into more powerful beings.  Like when Billy Batson says "SHAZAM!", he turns into the mighty Captain Marvel.  Why on earth would he ever decide to turn back again?  Especially Captain Marvel, Jr.  and Thor, who were cripples when they weren't busy flying around.  Maybe it was just their way of getting better parking spaces?

When Thor was gimpy mortal Dr. Don Blake, he carried a wooden cane that when tapped to the ground would transform him into The God of Thunder.  I wonder how many times the poor sap was stuck in line at the grocery store, and tapped the cane out of boredom, only to scare the hell out of everyone else nearby. 

By the way, reminds me of the joke that I'll leave you with.  The God of Thunder got up after having sex for 3 hours, and shouted, "I AM THOR!", to which his girlfriend replied, "THO AM I!"

-Robert
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