BUT YOU'RE A HOMO!
Extremely straight comedian Keith Lowell Jensen probes homophobia

I’ve been thinking a lot about homophobia lately. That means "afraid of homosexuality". I've heard it said that everybody is homophobic to some degree. That got me thinking; if everyone is that afraid, we ought to make a horror movie!  Frankenstein rips off the door to the castle, storms through the castle gate, goes straight (or should I say 'directly') to your house, knocks on the door with such force, WHAMMO, the door is gone, enters the living room, you're pinned to the couch in terror, and he says….. “Me like what you done with curtains…….Hmmm, what the, ROAR!!! Couch no go with carpet…..COUCH MUST GO!!!” You stand by, frozen in terror as Frankenstein or Franco as he’s known at the club, violently redecorates the house, pausing only briefly for mineral water and croissants.

Hopefully the movie will go no further than this. I don’t want to see the gay porn Frankenstein. I mean we don’t know whose organ the doc gave him, but judging by the hands, feet, and head, the doctor had an obsession with size. No wonder the bride of Frankenstein looked all freaked out.

I don’t know what people have against homosexuals. You ask them and they’ll say it goes against nature. Ah yes nature. You know, you might want to take the “Pave the Rainforest” bumper sticker off your truck, before you go claiming to be such a nature lover. I mean come on, when did you ever see one of these good old boys beat the bartender’s ass because their beef jerky wasn’t cruelty free and organic? There is, however, some evidence that we are indeed a country of nature loving men. You'll notice every Playboy magazine centerfold in history, on the Playmate profile page features this one…”Turn-ons include sincere men, moonlit walks, and nature.” So either us red-blooded American males love nature, or we love girls with great big fake tits who love nature.

I look at it this way. If a woman with bags of silicone surgically implanted under her skin can sit in front of a fake waterfall with tons of hairspray, make up, fake fingernails, and the temperature turned way down so her nipples perk up, can love nature, than I figure any person who likes to do what we’ve all witnessed our own pets doing, can be as natural as they damn well please. You macho men out there know what I'm talking about. You can name your dog Butch, clip his ears, dress him in a spiked leather collar; he still wants to get it on with Rex the poodle, he still wants to hump your leg. In fact, it kind of changes the context of the nickname, the short hairdo and the collar there doesn’t it sport.

The other thing that scares people about homosexuals is that everyone always worries that the homo will be attracted to them. Well friends I’ve done some research. I went down to the grown up book store, and I looked through the alternative lifestyle section to see what these homos really like, and I’ll tell you they had books for every taste imaginable. Books full of fat hairy men, books full of young buff men, books full of skinny feminine men and books full of big masculine woman, but I’m happy to reassure you, all you homophobes can relax. There was not one single book about slack jawed, pot-bellied illiterates whose career involves a nametag and a paper hat. I'm also happy to report, you don't have to be a card carrying lesbian to pick up a copy of  'Lipstick Lesbos'. I just told the counter girl it was for my lesbian sister (Tee hee, I don't have a sister).

Finally we come to the best reason for hating anyone... religion. Now, living in California I’ve seen gay priests and preachers. They take as many liberties with The Bible as any other preacher, using quotes like, “lo, it was Christ himself who said to thou art to turn the other cheek" "Let all men be as fishers of men. I’m fishing for men", "If god had put Steve in that garden instead of Eve, we may have never left. We’d have done some gardening though, I’ll tell you that.” The worst is a gay preacher at the singles bar after one too many, “Taste of my body?” Whatever the big J may think of sodomy he didn't have much to say about it. He did have a few words for those who'd throw stones at a hooker. Yeah, yeah, I know, you weren't throwing anything at hookers you were just beating up fags. Sorry. I get so confused.

My favorite are the alcoholic beverage folks. You go into a gay bar (it was research, I swear) and you'll see Coors, Budweiser and Marlboro neon signs with bright, proud, rainbow flags everywhere. Isn't it a little too easy to be pro-gay in a gay bar?  I'm Sure even David Duke is pro-Black and pro-Latino when he's walkin' through East L.A. or Oakland, but it's what he does at home that counts. When Coors puts the rainbow flag on the cans that they ship to Texas, or when the Marlboro Man starts behaving in a manner befitting such a cute cowboy outfit and well trimmed mustache, then I'll believe these companies are pro-gay. Of course selling your cancer causing product to gay folk is a strange way to be pro-gay, but these are interesting times we're living in. 

If you’re dead set on hating homosexuals I won’t try to stop you, but please hate them for a good reason. Hate them for dressing better than you. Hate them for their atrocious taste in music, (ITS RAINING MEN, HALLELUJAH ITS RAINING MEN, AMEN…FREEDOM (bass=boom boom boom). Hate ‘em for getting more sex than you, hate ‘em cause they don’t have to choose between getting some or going fishing. They can get some while fishing. Hate ‘em cuz they get to watch lesbians making out all the time, and they don’t even appreciate it.

Hate ‘em cuz they’re so damn cute!

-Keith Lowell Jensen
keith@retrocrush.com

NOTE: Keith is a famous stand up comedian, host of Sacramento's Trash Film Orgy, and though he isn't gay, he collects Barbie dolls and likes to dress up as a giant fly!  You can check out his site at www.rockass.net for more great stuff from this mad genius, who's known around these parts as the Jm J. Bullock of the straight world! 

(All books pictured in this article, sadly, really exist, and can be purchased in postcard form at www.pulpcards.com)