JASON X (He's Muslim now?)
Back in 1980 when we were kids the original Friday the 13th movie came out. The shock of seeing all that blood and gore made for some scared 11 year olds. Then finding out that the homicidal killer of the teenagers was a woman who looked like anyone’s next door neighbor with her creepy voice saying, “Kill her mommy. Kill her.” put us over the edge!
My friend Steve & I sat through some seriously terrible sequels where Jason continues to hang out at Crystal Lake waiting for victims, killing in 3D, going to Manhattan, and even to hell. We continued to see the sequels even as the gore, plot, and sex diminished to nothing.
With Jason X we prepared ourselves for the worse, and were surprised at how much life they pumped into this dying franchise. The movie starts out predictably enough at Crystal Lake, but now it’s a high tech research center to study Jason. He’s all chained up like Harry Houdini and escapes like him too with the help of a bumbling janitor. Jason slices & dices his way through a group of army grunts & scientists. Leaving only the top female expert on Jason to fend for her brainy self. The chase leads to a Cryogenic freezer that puts Jason & her on ice until the year 2455.
Then the fun begins when a bunch of teen student doctors stumble across the chamber. They go into space on a ship that has controls that look like they belong on my mom’s washing machine. Once there that meet up with a bunch of soldiers who look like rejects from the cast of Aliens, a horny sadomasochistic professor, a teen nerd and the sexy, leather clad, nippleless, robot woman he created. We see that time hasn’t tarnished Jason’s skill of killing teenagers in the throes of premarital sex. One by one the crew is creatively killed by snuffmaster Jason until there are predictably a handful of teenagers left.
The tables are turned on Jason with the help of Ms. Data. Then Jason is upgraded & reconstructed into a Cylon look-alike from Battlestar Gallactica. On second thought maybe they just recycled one of the outfits from the Jackson 5 Victory tour, but it’s all in good fun. The final showdown takes place in a virtual reality simulation of Camp Crystal Lake circa 1980.
If you’re a Friday the 13th fanatic go see it at night for the fright, but if you’re cheap go see Jason on the creep “a la bargain matinee” while he’s still the strong, silent type. Rumor has it that in the next film he’ll be teamed up with the wittier, razor fingered Freddy Kreuger.
-Steve & Randy
Hey there! Steve and Randy are longtime friends of mine. With Willie writing here, I'm starting to feel like I'm in Stand By Me, only without the pain of leeches on my dick. Anyway, you can check out Randy's webjournal, where he talks a lot about thrift stores and cock HERE. You can email Randy at email@example.com. And Steve has a computer, but he doesn't have a phone line yet, because it cuts too much in to his videogame and comic book budget. Sometimes when he hangs out at the library, you can email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.