J-LO...more than a nice ass
Her Nipples are great, too!

During the 2001 Oscar broadcast, ex-Fly Girl and star of Anaconda, Jennifer Lopez, made a stunning entrance on stage, demonstrating that she is sick and tired of people focusing on what a great ass she has, and wants folks to focus on the other things she has to offer....namely two perfectly dark erect nipples that stood at attention as if they were bathing in ice cubes for weeks, in preparation.

With her headlights blazing under the Academy Award spotlight, millions of people across the world were able to see J-Lo's high beams through a near transparent dress.  The prudish Oscar production team, however, quickly had their cameramen show her from the neck up as she went on to introduce Bob Dylan's performance (who's become a dead ringer for Vincent Price as of late), and ultimately the Best Song winner.  Nobody got to look at them anymore.

But fear not loyal readers!  Here is an in-depth look at the fascinating nipples of Jennifer Lopez.  I'm no pervert mind you, I just think a woman's body is like a work of art, and should be admired and revered as such. 

Here's a shot of Jennifer Lopez when she first walked on stage.  A couple years ago she made waves with a cleavage baring dress that really pushed the limits.  It's all anyone could talk about, and needless to say, after taking a look at her nipples sticking out in this dress, you can easily say "Mission Accomplished!" to her again this year.  That is of course, if her mission was to wear a dress that folks could see her gorgeous brown nipples through.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be disgusting or anything, but you have to admit, both Jennifer Lopez, and her nipples (both of them) are a sight to behold, indeed.

Here's another shot of the lovely miss Jennifer Lopez backstage.  If the resolution on your computer is good enough, and you look carefully you can see that she has not one, but two nipples perking up under her dress.   That's right, your eyes aren't deceiving you.  Those are some Grade A Latina Nipples, or as they say in her native Spanish, "Nipplo' Fantastico!"  Well, I might have got the translation wrong, but can you blame me for not thinking straight?  I mean just look at those nipples.  It's like they're talking to me saying, "Ro-bert...how the hell are you?  Could you please sing us a song, and pretend we are lovely miniature ice cream cones?"  I mean, I don't want to sound like a letch, or anything, I just think a woman's body is like a work of art. 

Look at this goddess smiling.  You can almost forgive her for that awful "Love Don't Cost a Thing" song after staring into those hypnotic brown eyes.  While you're looking at her eyes, bring your eyes down lower, past her cheeks, below her chin, and slowly, lovingly turn your glance down her neck and look down.  If you look just right in the center of each breast, you can see a nipple!  I wonder if her nipples have names?  It'd be a shame if they didn't.  I think if I could name them, I would name them "Pinch Me!" and "Lick Me!".  That way if I ran into them on the street someday, I could say, "Hey, J-Lo nipples, what are your names!"  When they answered back "Pinch Me" and "Lick Me", I would do just that!  Even though I'd probably get slapped, I'd throw my hands up and say, "Only obeying orders, Miss Lopez, please don't press charges!"  Seriously, I hope all of you reading this don't think I'm some kind of depraved sex-fiend or anything.  I just think a woman's body is like a work of art.

Though I think I need help.  I can't stop thinking about JENNIFER LOPEZ'S NIPPLES!  They're swimming around in my brain like a pair of synchronized swimming nipples!  If only I could find a picture to take my mind off those, so I can function with my day to day tasks again.


OK, that's better.  

I'm now officially gay. 

NOTE:  I originally wrote this 2 years ago, but J-Lo's nipples continue to make headlights headlines, so I thought it'd be worth revisiting them.

The true pinnacle of J-Lo Nipple News happened earlier in the year when she was filming a new video in New York.  The world realized that secret to her unparalleled nipple success was that she has a stand-by Professional Nipple Tweaker ready to help out when the cold weather just isn't enough!  As you can see from the gallery below, the man is a pro, as they're sticking out through two layers of clothing like braille exclamation points!  And she's clearly on top of her game and ready to go, as the subsequent photos show.   Perhaps if he could just work his nipple tweaking magic on Bush, Saddam, and the UN, the world would be a better place, too!



-Robert Berry