By Your Pal, Keith Lowell Jensen

As you may or may not know I am a big fan of Filmmaker John Waters (Female Trouble, Pecker,etc.) and a big fan of Christian web sites. John Waters' book "Shock Value" introduced me to the term Shrimping (see definition below). I looked up Shrimping cross referenced with Christianity, Pat Robertson etc. A night of silly web browsing ensued but I've discovered definitions of some very odd sexual practices I'd previously not heard of which I now share with you. I've added illustrations to aid in your enjoyment. Please try these practices yourself and then tell me all about it!

The retroCRUSH Fetish Glossary

Ad-Rocking: Partners first do it like this, then do it like that, finally doing it with a whiffle ball bat, oh.

CHiPing: Partners pretend to be California Highway Patrol Officers. Most commonly practiced between mixed Latino/Caucasian gay couples.


ing: A er's only sexual outlet is looking at the posts on .com. While ing isn't for everyone it is the safest form of sex known. The only risks are a) Being caught by boss or wife b) Carpel Tunnel syndrome or c) Poking one's eye out.

Guilting: Deriving Sexual pleasure from driving about yelling "I'm sorry" at African Americans, Female Americans, Japanese Americans, Native Americans, Latino Americans, Arab Americans, Impoverished Americans and other Americans.

 Loving: (Synonym=Holing as in "The bitch tried to Hole me") Female partner has male killed, making it look like suicide, deriving sexual pleasure as well as large amounts of cash and some bad/good publicity.



MUNGING: An act so disgusting and depraved we will not define it here. Please note it has little or nothing to do with doughnuts. 



Pope-ing: Deriving sexual pleasures from wearing long flowing robes and tall silly hats. Popers are often seen in the company of younger men and boys in similar though less ornate attire.



Quizzing: While having sex, partners quiz each other on trivial facts such as the names of all six Brady Kids or Fidel Castro's middle name. Whoever gets the most wrong answers  must "fake it convincingly" or sleep in the wet spot.


Revving: Getting your jollies by having your ass kicked by Ultimate Fighter John "The Rev" Jensen. This is a particularly dangerous fetish and not recommended.

Shrimping: One partner sucks the toes of other partner or in the case of The 69 Shrimp two partners simultaneously suck on one another's toes.


Walting: A fashion fetish which involves deriving perverse pleasure from placing young middle class men and women in warm, poorly ventilated costumes in the scorching heat of a southern California summer day.

What Me Worrying: Stimulating ones self manually while looking at the sexy woman in tight clothing drawn by such artist as Al Jaffe, Dave Berg or any of the other artists at MAD magazine past or present. While this is believed by many to be a form of safe sex it is actually quite dangerous. Looking at MAD as a child will turn you into a godless, commie pervert and looking at MAD as an adult makes you a geek. 

Jerking While this term is used to describe more than one practice, the jerking we refer to hear is the practice of "getting off" on finding misspellings or poor alphabetizing on web sites. Practitioners of this fetish, known as Jerks or Jerkers are an especially foul lot and are best avoided. Whatever you do, do not respond to their e'mails or message board posts, lest you find yourself with an unwelcome friend for life.

Pretending to possess a muscular tanned hard body while having "virtual" sex with an overweight black man pretending to be a sexy 18 year old blond who has been told she resembles Britney Spears.

I'll be adding to the fetish Glossary so send me yours!


Editor's Note:  Though you wouldn't necessarily know it from this article, Keith is a Sacramento stand up comedy legend.  When he's not busy working with the I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT COMEDY TROUPE (fag spelling of "Troop"), he's busy as his alter-ego, Francois Fly at the famous TRASH FILM ORGY and SPIKE AND MIKE'S SICK AND TWISTED ANIMATION FESTIVAL.