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THE
retroCRUSH FETISH GLOSSARY
By Your Pal, Keith Lowell
Jensen
As you may or may not know I am
a big fan of Filmmaker John
Waters (Female
Trouble, Pecker,etc.)
and a big fan of Christian web sites. John Waters' book "Shock Value"
introduced me to the term Shrimping (see definition below). I looked up
Shrimping cross referenced with Christianity, Pat Robertson etc. A night of
silly web browsing ensued but I've discovered definitions of some very odd
sexual practices I'd previously not heard of which I now share with you. I've
added illustrations to aid in your enjoyment. Please try these practices
yourself and then tell me all about it!
The
retroCRUSH Fetish Glossary
Ad-Rocking:
Partners first do it like this, then do it like that, finally doing it with a
whiffle ball bat, oh.
CHiPing:
Partners pretend to be California Highway Patrol Officers. Most commonly
practiced between mixed Latino/Caucasian gay couples.
ing:
A er's
only sexual outlet is looking at the
posts on .com.
While ing
isn't for everyone it is the safest form of sex known. The only risks are a)
Being caught by boss or wife b) Carpel Tunnel syndrome or c) Poking one's eye
out.
Guilting:
Deriving Sexual pleasure from driving about yelling "I'm sorry" at
African Americans, Female Americans, Japanese Americans, Native Americans,
Latino Americans, Arab Americans, Impoverished Americans and other Americans.
Loving:
(Synonym=Holing as in "The bitch tried to Hole me") Female partner has
male killed, making it look like suicide, deriving sexual pleasure as well as
large amounts of cash and some bad/good publicity.
MUNGING:
An act so disgusting and depraved we will not define it here. Please note it has
little or nothing to do with doughnuts.
Pope-ing:
Deriving sexual pleasures from wearing long flowing robes and tall silly hats.
Popers are often seen in the company of younger men and boys in similar though
less ornate attire.
Quizzing:
While having sex, partners quiz each other on trivial facts such as the names of
all six Brady Kids or Fidel Castro's middle name. Whoever gets the most wrong
answers must "fake it convincingly" or sleep in the wet spot.
Revving:
Getting your jollies by having your ass kicked by Ultimate
Fighter John "The Rev" Jensen. This is a particularly dangerous
fetish and not recommended.
Shrimping:
One partner sucks the toes of other partner or in the case of The 69 Shrimp two
partners simultaneously suck on one another's toes.
Walting:
A fashion fetish which involves deriving perverse pleasure from placing young
middle class men and women in warm, poorly ventilated costumes in the scorching
heat of a southern California summer day.
What
Me Worrying: Stimulating ones self manually while looking at the sexy
woman in tight clothing drawn by such artist as Al Jaffe, Dave Berg or any of
the other artists at MAD magazine past or present. While this is believed by
many to be a form of safe sex it is actually quite dangerous. Looking at MAD as
a child will turn you into a godless, commie pervert and looking at MAD as an
adult makes you a geek.
Jerking
While this term is used to describe more than one practice, the jerking we refer
to hear is the practice of "getting off" on finding misspellings or
poor alphabetizing on web sites. Practitioners of this fetish, known as Jerks or
Jerkers are an especially foul lot and are best avoided. Whatever you do, do not
respond to their e'mails or message board posts, lest you find yourself with an
unwelcome friend for life.
Webbing: Pretending to possess a muscular tanned hard body while having
"virtual" sex with an overweight black man pretending to be a sexy 18
year old blond who has been told she resembles Britney Spears.
I'll be adding to the fetish
Glossary so send me yours!
Keith
francoisfly@yahoo.com
Editor's Note: Though you
wouldn't necessarily know it from this article, Keith is a Sacramento stand up
comedy legend. When he's not busy working with the I
CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT COMEDY TROUPE (fag spelling of "Troop"),
he's busy as his alter-ego, Francois Fly at the famous TRASH
FILM ORGY and SPIKE AND MIKE'S SICK AND TWISTED ANIMATION FESTIVAL.
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