CLASSIC PORN SHOWCASE!
by Keith Lowell Jensen

I love Porn.  Porn has kept Americas Mom and Pop video stores in business, since BlockBuster and Hollywood Video are too wimpy to handle it. Porn doesn't pretend to be what it's not.  If we'd all admit we wanted porn and just go get some, than horrible shows like Baywatch and Three's Company would have never existed.  Porn gave Sylvester Stallone his start not to mention Traci Lords!  So talk about Porn!  Embrace Porn.  Buy your Porn openly and proudly!  Only then can we demand and expect quality in a market currently glutted with crap to feed the ashamed masses.  If you've always wondered what's out there amidst the crap this is for you.  I've profiled the most unusual porn I've found. Some very good, some just plain weird, but all PORN!

ENJOY!


DEEP THROAT

This may be the King of all porno flicks, and rightly so. First off the premise is hilarious. Linda Lovelace plays a woman who can't have an orgasm no matter how hard she tries, and lordy lordy she tries hard. Luckily a good doctor discovers her G-spot. Unluckily it's deep in her throat. Luckily the doctor has the proper, uh, um, medical equipment to reach it, and we haven't gotten to the weird part yet. Now here's where we get truly bizarre; Deep Throat is a MUSICAL. An action/comedy/porno/MUSICAL. My favorite is the Jealous nurse song. The film is the highest gross x-rated film of all time and during the 70's going to see this film was hip even amongst Hollywood stars. More weirdness, Lovelace later is born again, and claims her abusive husband forced her to make the movie. She wrote a book about her experience, "Ordeal" which was released after the publisher had her take a lie detector test! Ordeal the book and Deep Throat the movie would make a fantastic gift set don't ya think? (NOTE: Lovelace was so "traumatized" by her experiences that she recently did a spread for Huster- Robert)


DEBBIE DOES DALLAS

Probably the first porno most of us knew by name Debbie Does Dallas features the adorable Bambi Woods as Debbie a high school cheerleader who has earned herself a coveted position on the Texas Cowgirl Cheerleaders. The problem is Debbie can't afford the trip to Dallas. Don't fret little angel, the story has a happy ending. Debbie's current cheerleading squad decides they'll all go and to afford it they'll all provide services for cash. Innocent services, you know, helping out in the record store, washing cars. Of course it isn't long before the girls realize the cash is coming in to slow and the kind of services you first thought I meant begin to be offered. The plot is good for a laugh and Bambi Woods looks great in her cheerleading outfits but in the end this is just a porno flick with lots of unimaginative sex scenes and worst of all lots of allusions to and even depiction of pedophilia. Most of what you'd get out of this one can be gotten by viewing the box it comes in!


CALIGULA

A 15 Million Dollar Porno starring Malcolm Macdowall and Peter O'Toole!!! How does this happen? Well here's the way I heard it.  A beautiful period film was in the works about the twisted life of Cesar Caligula who was prone to sleeping with his sister and his horse (one at a time, don't be obscene), who put the wives of the house of lords up in  a brothel that they might serve the public more directly, who was very happy to de-virginize brides in front of their grooms on their wedding day, and who married one of Rome's most notorious prostitutes. Ahhh the good old days. The film was huge, with it's big stars and elaborate sets and costumes, and historically accurate to a degree not usually seen in big budget historical porno films. The production not surprisingly ran out of money before being completed. Send in Penthouse Magazine's Bob Guccione to the rescue. Of course he insisted on some creative input. Along with Guccione came a bevy of Penthouse pets, horribly distracting from the lavish sets. It is rumored that Guccione put in most of the hardcore footage after the shooting of the esteemed English actors was completed. By the time the film came out screenplay author Gore Vidal asked to have his name removed from the credits.  How much of the original intent of the film survives amidst the grunting and thrusting is what makes the viewing of this film truly surreal, and for the most part rather enjoyable.

The unrated version of CALIGULA is back in print and available on DVD at AMAZON if you CLICK HERE)


SCORE

How often do you find praise from Andy Warhol while perusing the naughty room of the local mom and pop video store? Radley Metzger is an art film director. Unlike many who've started hard core and softened Metzger started soft, earned great critical acclaim and then went further into hard core but maintained his artistic temperament, excellent writing, acting and above all his amazing cinematography. BUT, I'm discussing strange here and Radley certainly qualifies. Score is an unabashed, throw subtlety to the wind, swinger recruitment film. While the two men gettin' together may upset the less sensitive of you take heart the two woman get along rather well as well and I know we're all thrilled about that. Watch this and Metzger's other films (He does an adult Eva Peron Story!) with your sweetie. Many films claim to be couple approved but his are amongst the precious few that really do have something for everyone.

SCORE is available on DVD from AMAZON if you CLICK HERE.


 RUSS MEYER'S SUPERVIXENS

OK So it's not quite porn, but an amazing film none the less. Possibly my favorite Russ Meyer production. We showed a faded pink print of it at Sacramento's Colonial Theatre during our Grindhouse show there. Russ himself got wind of the screening, and as there are no authorized prints in existence that he does not own he let me know I'd be hearing from his lawyer. I talked to Russ (after calling him at the RM Offices in Hollywood to confirm it was really him) explaining that I was a big fan, and that while I'd be happy to return the print I'd love to be able to first show it to some fellow hard core fans who were just dying to see it on the big screen. My sincere love for the man must have come through to him as he agreed to let us do the screening before we were to hand the film over to a cameraman friend of his who lives here in Sacramento. I told Russ I'd send him 40% percent of our door (only about $40.00) but as we were in the process of going broke the money went to a more demanding debtor.

The SupervixensRuss called me at home. "Keith it's not enough money to change my life. But I want it taken care of ya know. It's like I'm makin' love to a woman. You ever made love to a woman Keith? It's like I'm makin' love, I'm fuckin', I'm fuckin' this woman for three weeks now and I aint cum. It aint gonna change my life, but I want to cum, ya know Keith!" I stood in my kitchen feeling my life was lived for moments like these as I answered "You will cum, Mr. Meyer, You will cum!" This film combines the funnest sex scenes of all time with the most delightful assortment of woman (Blond, Brunette, Indian, Black, Farmers daughter and did I mention real large breasts) and the most extreme violence, mostly wrought by Charles (lead singer of The Good Old Boys in The Blues Brothers) Napier's character who chases the story's hero across country as our said poor hero is attacked by every sexy woman that crosses his path and forced into hideous acts of La More.


PAM & TOMMY LEE SEX VIDEO

Pamela and Tommy Lee's sex tape can't truly be considered an amateur tape can it? I took this one to a Lesbian friend's hair salon and watched the flick with her and her gal pals who were patiently waiting for her to give them bad lesbian hair. My gal pal says to me as Pamela's tastin' of Tommy's love, "Keith I aint seen many dicks, but is that one HUGE!" "Either it's huge or her head is friggin' tiny"! Tommy's piece does amaze especially when he honks the horn of his boat with it. He and Pamela seem to be genuinely crazy about each other, at one point pulling their car over on the side of the road for a quickie. It wasn't long before the domestic violence charges let us know there would not be a sequel. Brett Michaels of Poison, not to be outdone put out a tape of his own love life. No one cared.

Sorry, Brett.


SEX AND ZEN

Well produced high flying kung fu porn flick! The first time I've ever seen the wires normally used in anti gravity kung fu fight scenes used in sex scenes. Picture this, a brusque male tosses his lady love high in the air, climbs up a chain, and allows her to land on his penis on her way down. This soft core flick follows a fairy tale story of sex magic. Boy meets girl, boy must have girl, boy must become a man going through many trials and tribulations including have his penis removed and replaced with a horse's penis. The fighting scenes and the sexing scenes are equally well choreographed and Amy Yip is a beauty to behold. You'll definitely be wanting to see more of her. I watched this one with my girlfriend and she loved it. Be warned though watching this with your lover may require you to learn some dangerous new tricks. 

 

SEX and ZEN is available on DVD from AMAZON if you CLICK HERE.


FLESH GORDON

When I was a kid this film was legendary yet I some how missed seeing it. I recently corrected the error when someone proposed screening it at the Trash Film Orgy. I was surprised to find the film isn't actually a porn but rather of a soft core, parody of the sci-fi serials. The film is of course sex obsessed in the silliest and most innocent ways and features many many boobies, though I've not gotten an exact account. Flesh must save the planet Earth from an evil sex ray that turn Earthlings into sex crazed maniacs causing mass orgies to erupt all over the planet. In a penis shaped space ship Flesh flies off to do battle with Emperor Wang the Perverted. I got a great laugh out of the flick and we would have loved to have screened it at The Crest! Too bad we weren't able to get a good print. Female lead Cindy Hopkins is extremely cute so those of you looking for pornorific qualities may still find this flick to your liking.

You can buy FLESH GORDON on DVD at AMAZON, too, if you CLICK HERE.


THE DEVIL IN MISS JONES

The film opens with Miss Jones slitting her writs in the bathtub. OK that's a strange opening for a porno. Miss Jones then heads on down to hell where she is to experience all of the things that might have made life worth living had she tried them before it was to late. Georgina Splevins is a beautiful woman but the film is more strange than good and even the strange is all used up in the first few scenes. After that it's boring sex scene after boring sex scene. One of the only times I've looked at a porno and thought, "I should have just read the book. 

 

   


NEW WAVE HOOKERS 1-4

The New Wave Hookers series is arty, strange, and hilarious. It's no wonder we find Gregory Dark who produced the series as half of "The Dark Brothers"  now working quite successfully in the music video industry. He even did a video for Britney but after he nonchalantly mentioned some of his films Britney and her label quickly disassociated themselves.  The NWH films feature some of the best know actresses, Chasey Lain, Savana, Madison, Nikki Dial and easily the weirdest scenes and plots ever seen, even within the weird world of porn. Actors with cages over their heads, sex scenes between clowns, sex scenes featuring men in giant duck suits, you get the idea. The Dark Brothers seem to believe porno should be imaginative and fun. Their films took porno into the MTV era with fast editing and pure candy visuals. 

NWH Two losers, black hustler, Jamal and punk rocker, Jimmy fall asleep while watching TV and dream, simultaneously that they dress like DEVO and run a call girl service using the "hottest new-wave tunes" to turn their "employees" into mindless sex zombies. Did I mention Sushi Scene (nuff said)!

NWH#2 The lost, underwater city of Atlantis is full of women! The men wear flippers on their feet and lamp shades on their heads.

NWH#3 When Frank takes some "friendly" advice from his attorney, he ends up losing his wife to a Prostitute Training Center called the Deep House. Features the notorious Quacking Duck Man Scene!

NWH#4 Midget Santa Clause Sex Scene. YAY!!!!


Some more porn worth checking out: Andrew Blake, Behind Green Door, Mitchell Brothers, Boogie Nights! Please send me suggestions for other films I may have missed AND I'm compiling a list of silly Porno film parody title ie: Edward Penis Hands, Shaving Ryan's Privates, etc..

Keith
keith@retrocrush.com

NOTE FROM ROBERT:  If you liked this, check out Keith's other article for retroCRUSH on homophobia, and his website www.rockass.net.