REJECTED MASTERS OF THE
TJ: Thanks for interviewing me, not many people care about the folks that took the time to create these great toys.
retroCRUSH: No problem, the honor is certainly mine. So you created Skeletor, right?
TJ: Well, not exactly. My first idea for the main villain was a woman. I mean you always see some dark ugly guy as the main bad guy. Dr. Doom, Darth Vader, Shredder, I thought wouldn't it be great to make a woman?
retroCRUSH: I see, so what did you end up with?
TJ: My idea was someone named "Skelewhore". She was basically a crackhead hooker that would tempt He-Man with her skankly ways. Mattel rejected it but they really liked the basic idea, so they stole it from me and never gave me any of the credit.
It's easy to see why SKELEWHORE was rejected by Mattel Executives right away.
retroCRUSH: Wasn't MAN-E-FACES your idea?
TJ: Not exactly. Well, my first idea was a figure that would have many faces, but that seemed too easy. I made a guy named MAN-E-FECES and he had interchangeable heads made out of genuine crap.
MAN-E-FECES with interchangeable heads made out of real shit.
retroCRUSH: I guess they kept some of that idea for STINKOR, eventually?
TJ: Yes they did, Robert. They done ripped me off again.
retroCRUSH: Well what about any original ideas that they just never used at all. Any of those?
TJ: Sure...take a look at this. VULVOR!
VULVOR...with FISH SCENTED ACTION.
retroCRUSH: Yuck, do you honestly think any kid would like to play with that?
TJ: Well, maybe not the gay ones, but what red blooded boy wouldn't like to keep that in his pocket, I ask of ya?
retroCRUSH: Wow. Well what about ORKO? I heard he was your idea, right?
TJ: Yes indeed. Well...sort of. You see they needed a cute little guy to use in the cartoons. I thought..."what's cuter than babies?". Nothing of course, but you just can't have a plain old baby for a figure, so I made ABORTO. He's a mystical living abortion with a spinning coat-hanger on top of his head.
ABORTO...the spark that created ORKO?
retroCRUSH: That's just disgusting.
TJ: Ha ha! ABORTO's COMING BACK! Everyone's gonna be buying ABORTO dolls this Christmas! HA HA! Hey, can I lick your stomach, Robert?
retroCRUSH: Good lord no!
TJ: Oh, come on now...everyone likes a dirty old man to lick their belly. Just give me a shot!
retroCRUSH: This interview is over!
TJ: Wait! I haven't shown you my sketches of SMEGMOR, QUEEF-ATRON, and DIARRHEASAUR! COME BACK! COME BAAAAACK!