GRANDMA'S RECORD COLLECTION
by Robert Berry
I was visiting my
Grandma in "scenic" Hayward, CA this weekend and had a great bunch of
laughs checking out her record collection. There's a bunch of country
albums from artists like Kenny Rogers and Chet Atkins that I recognized, but the
bulk of it is full of weird party and atmosphere albums that show the ol' gal
has had a pretty eclectic taste through the years. I just had to take
pictures of some of them and share them here. She didn't quite understand
WHY I was doing this ("You're gonna put pictures of them on WHAT now,
Bobby?"), but she got a kick out of the fact that I was so thrilled by them.
You can click each
picture below to appreciate the much larger version.
Long before the
Japanese invented bukkake, Herb Alpert had this great Whipped Cream album cover
that's delighted men for yours. I've put up a larger scale version of just
the girl on the right, for your viewing pleasure. There's been about 10
great parody version of this album cover through the ages, that I'll be posting
at a later time.
This one with
Jerry Colonna is just plain nutty as hell. My grandma says he was quite a
popular funnyman of the day. This horny looking bug-eyed freak looks out
of place with these young hipsters. But as you can see on the close-up I have on the right, the
chick next to him seems to be digging him pretty hard. Of course, as the
first song on the album cover suggests, he's probably not interested in her,
Al Hirt has cotton
candy in his trumpet. Though from the size of his belly, you can bet it
won't stay in there for long!
You just know that
all the hip kids in the 50s used this record for their killer dance parties.
Polka til you puke, dude!
And here's a great
album for that HELL themed dance party you've been putting off. My grandma
says she just bought it at a grocery store for a $1 decades ago, and it wasn't
very good. But if you play it backwards, there's a killer meatloaf recipe on it.
I always liked the
elegant beauty of this album cover. It kind of makes me think of
Christopher Walken's SNL character, "The Continental" on a night that
he finally got lucky.
The original Honky
Tonk woman! The album was banned in 1952, when its original title
"Boffing Music for Dirty Piano Sluts" offended most retailers.
This cover is just
downright creepy! Everyone at the party seems to be having the time of
their life just sitting down and staring at some phantom piano player who's
mysteriously kept out of the frame.
Learn how to say
"I accept your surrender!" in just 20 minutes!
Never Comes" sounds pretty grim for a Jim Nabors album. It also
sounds like the name of a bad James Bond movie (which is just about every one
since Roger Moore took over). Of course, if you asked Rock Hudson, he
would have told you that Jim never had the problems that tomorrow did.
I love these type
of albums to set a mood, like "Music for Dining" and "Music for
Relaxation." My grandma's similar records "Music for Nasty Sanchez" and "Music
for Fucking The Dead" were a bit too disturbing to share with you here,
incredible about this album, until my retroBABE trained eye recognized none
other than Julie Newmar on the left. MEEOOOW!
Who'd have thought
I'd find a record with 3 hot naked babes on it at my Grandma's house?
Well, aside from that disturbing "Andrews Sisters Go Hot-Tub Crazy Christmas
Album", that is.
I just totally
love this picture, but don't have anything particularly clever to say about it
(though that hasn't stopped me so far).
And finally, we
have "Make Room for Tiny." My grandma says that grandpa would
often shout this album title out before a lovemaking session.
Got any crazy records of
your own to share with me? Email me!