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MORE CRAZY ALBUM COVERS
by Robert Berry
webmaster@retrocrush.com

Longtime retroCRUSH friend Keith Lowell Jensen had me over to his estate yesterday to photograph some of the bizarre LPs in his collection.  If you have a keen eye, you'll notice that the background of each picture is his lovely carpet.  Hopefully we can start up a donation fund to get him a vacuum cleaner for his efforts.  You can click each picture for a jumbo version.  Without further adieu...

 

First off, we have "Clairol Presents Enrico Caruso".  It's basically movie to style hair by, with a ton of hairstyles captured in the liner notes.  While "Slimnastics" is "Slim-Sensational".  Word has is the original title was "Here's our favorite jailhouse shower positions" but censors wouldn't let it happen.

 

Though the title of Jerry Falwell's album is funny enough, it's the songs that are a real crackup.  On "I Ain't No Kin of the Monkey", a bunch of out of tune inbred kids decry Darwin's theory.  Meanwhile, on Jimmy Swaggart's, "You Don't Need to Understand", it looks like he's literally polishing the pulpit.

 

Here's the perfect yin and yang album combination.  "How to Keep Your Husband Happy" offers up handy stripping tips (that sadly, omit exercise, liposuction, or shutting up for two hours).  Then we have "Li'l Richard" (not to be confused with "Little Richardtm"), who could pass as the stunt double for serial killer Henry Lee Lucas.  Apparently Richard's "all stars" are two stuffed bunnies.  Something tells me he has a crawlspace in his house.

 

What two albums celebrate the diverse history of black music than these two gems?  Though "Minstrel Show" is an obvious embarrassment, the scrawny fella posing on Bony M's cover is even worse.  It looks like the chained Pam Grier clones could snap the li'l dude in half!

 

Nothing makes a party like German favorites and polka music.  The German album is particularly collectible and chilling, as you can see what appears to be the ghost of Anne Frank hiding behind the attic window.  And there's nothing particularly unusual about this Frankie Yankovic record, however he's a dead ringer for previous weird cover gallery feature KEN DODD.

 

I know kids need to know about sex, but it looks like the tot on the cover of "A Child's Introduction to Sex" seems a bit too young.  Woody Allen's narration makes it even more bizarre.  And let's not leave out everyone's favorite 80s band "R CADE AND THE VIDEO VICTIMS".  I can't wait for their reunion tour.

 

I can't explain it but this Nutcracker album has one of the more disturbing covers I've ever seen.  It looks like a bunch of random dolls strewn about.  I don't remember crocodiles or giant tigers in that ballet, either.  On the bottom left, you can see what appears to be a Jack in The Box antenna ball head in the bushes.  And the girl is REAL!  What nightmares did she grow up with after this twisted photo shoot?

 

It's funny enough to have an album that features music for your plants, but the back cover is even more hilarious as they show you the "scientific" comparative effects of rock music and classical on our houseplants.

 

Psycho-Cybernetics is some sort of self-help mumbo jumbo, that reeks of Scientology to me.  If I want relaxation therapy, I think I'll just settle for the treatment advocated in "Musical Cocktail Party."  The back cover of the cocktail album rocks as it has a different drink recipe to accompany each song.  Just imagine the insane drinking game you could do with that one!  And stupid parents thought Ozzy and Judas Priest killed the kids off?  Ha! 

 

"Argentine Tango" isn't as weird as many other albums, but I dig the poor sap who got his girl stolen, just staring from his table in the distance.  And the thought of some unsatisfied housewife buying "The Joy of Belly Dancing" to put a spark back in her marriage is pretty funny, too.

 

Rusty Warren was apparently one of the early female "sexy" comediennes, with racy subject matter that was atypical of the time.  Though the "Knockers Up!" album isn't all that unusual besides the title, it's her follow up "Sexplosion" that takes the cake.  Sex is about the last thing I'm thinking of when I see a hag in a mumu with white birds flying about. 

 

In the days before C-SPAN was the smash ratings hit (cough cough) it is today, Americans got their political hunger satisfied with albums like these.  On Spiro's disk, there's a track called, "Spiro addresses the Hippie Problem."  Hopefully I can get that up here on MP3 form soon!

 

And finally we have this mind-bending cover for a version of Orf's classic "Carmina Burana".  The close-up on the right reveals a bizarre party where monkey people are on fire while boys throw weird purple slug things at them.  A kind member of the Something Awful Forum (best $10 you ever spent to join) pointed out that it's a depiction of a crazy Edgar Alan Poe piece called Hop-Frog, which had midgets dressed in fur costumes set ablaze, among other madness. 

That's all for now.  If you have any more you'd like to share, email me!



 


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