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SICKENING SEVENTIES SWEATERS
Good Lord!  Evil uses for yarn that Satan himself never conceived!

While looking through a fine used bookstore in downtown San Luis Obisbo, I stumbled on a huge box of sweater knitting project catalogs from 1971-1973 era marked 4 for a dollar. I had no idea why anyone would want such crap, but after looking through them for nearly an hour, I was hooked. As you'll see from looking at the pictures below, these are some of the most disgustingly awful articles of clothing ever created by man. Satan doth have a fabric, and it be yarn, for sure!

These test pattern themed sweaters seem better suited for lifting hot things out of the oven than for actual wear. Dig the crazy built in belt loops on the dude in the upper right picture.  Kind of looks like Roger Daltrey got drunk with some old ladies in a knitting circle. Gotta love the mysterious names of these styles in small print by their shoulders like "Dark Shadows", "Forest Murmurs", and "Bankers Black". Those might actually be their porn industry names.

These ones aren't actually half bad, though I can't imagine anyone actually wore sweaters like this back in the '20s.

There's something oddly fascinating about the sweater the gentleman on the left is wearing. Perhaps it's becasue it showcases every flavor of Skittles candy as a color. And it's nice to see that even models with horrible scoliosis were used in sweater catalogs, as you can see from these badly postured dudes on the right.

 

Though these sweaters aren't as hideous as the others in this article, you have to admire the sensual energy in the pictures. The Oscar Goldman looking dude wearing shades on the right is wearing pants with a shade of Tang orange drink I've never before seen.  And everyone's touching each other in the 2nd picture, as they all realize that there's no greater turn on than garishly colored sweaters.  The girl's not wearing a sweater, but you can see that she clearly likes her men to be sweater studs!  I was unable to reproduce the pictures where they strip down and have a 3 way with hand-knit condoms and a crocheted strap-on dildo, so you'll have to forgive me.

 

I actually think these outfits would withstand the scrutiny of today's fashion.  The model on the left looks remarkably like Lisa Kudrow. Again, the crooked back modeling pose is used on the right. Apparently you can really show off how beautiful a sweater is if your spine is twisted into shapes nature has never seen. Perhaps Christopher Reeve should get into the business (2013 update- WOW, I wrote this in 2002, that joke doesn't fly anymore).

 

We'll close this out with some remarkably awful yarn crafts.  I never heard of anyone knitting shoes, let alone the gladiator era monstrosities on the top right. 

And I've never been a die-hard tennis player, but something tells me you'd have a hard time intimidating the other players when you walked on to the court with this lovely hand knit racket cover.

Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com