You know what? Screw all these toys from the 80s! They were some of the cheapest made uninspired bunch of merchandising schemes the world has ever seen. You know how I feel about Transformers, (HATE 'EM), but my hatred to 80s toys goes even further. Sure, MOTU had their charm, but did we really need to see all the Silverhawks, ThunderCats, and other rip off versions? And how about the 80s GI JOES? When I grew up we had giant sized JOES with real hair that could show Barbie a good time, and survive being thrown off the roof, stomped into the dirt, and still have a tough gritty look on his face.

Let's take a look at the real deal. The golden age of great toys! Toys you could hold, and wouldn't break after a day! Toys that you could use your imagination with and have hours and hours and hours of fun. Toys that weren't so small you'd lose them in your couch. Yep, it's time for...

THE TOP 10 TOYS O' THE 70s
(Boy edition)


#10 SUCKERMAN
No, this isn't the title of a gay porn video, but a really cool toy from around 1978. About 16" tall and made of rubber (sounds more like gay porn the more I describe it), this was one bizarre looking guy. Kind of a cross between an octopus, a vampire, and The Creature From The Black Lagoon. You'd get him a little wet, then throw him on the wall, and HE'D STICK ON THE WALL! Yahoooo! Well, he didn't do much more than that, but if you threw an OPTIMUS PRIME doll against the wall, he'd shatter to bits now, wouldn't he? He also came in a special glow in the dark version, so you could enjoy Suckerman action at night (OK...this really does sound gay).


#9 THE BIONIC MAN
Long before Stone Cold, there was a Steve Austin action figure that kicked major ass. Clad in a sporty red running suit, The Bionic man was chock full of cool features. He had a Bionic Eye (which was pretty much just a hole in his head you could look through), and rubber skin arms and legs that rolled down (like a condom) to expose his bionic circuity underneath. Best of all, he came with a giant engine block that he could hold in his arm, and when you clicked a red lever in his back, he'd lift it up with his awesome bionic arm. Steve also came with some cool extra accessories you could buy, as well as other figures including BIONIC BIGFOOT, and even THE BIONIC WOMAN for those lonely nights.


#8 SHOGUN WARRIORS GODZILLA
Though not related to the SHOGUN WARRIORS in any way shape or form, you have to thank the lord for the cool job they did making this monster sized Godzilla figure. A lever in the back of his head made his fiery breath flick out, and for some bizarre reason, a button in his arm would make his fist shoot off like a rocket. Just like in the movies ?!?!?!?!? Damn cool toy, though, and just about the right size to fight against my 18" ALIEN figure.


#7 JAWS THE GAME
The picture says it all. You put a bunch of garbage in Jaws' mouth (sadly no body parts) then you and your pals would take turns grabbing out pieces until he snapped shut on you. Very cool.


#6 EVEL KNIEVEL
EVEL KNIEVEL was the shit in the 70s. When he was jumping over a million buses or Snake River Canyon, the world stopped. Evel had a great set up stunt cycles and other vehicles that you could put his doll on, rev it up and let it go flying across your room. Awesome toy in every sense of the word.


#5 HUGO MAN OF A THOUSAND FACES
No...it's not a MINI-ME puppet. This great early 70s toy sure looked like him, though. Basically a cool bald puppet that you could put all sorts fo disguises on. Hours of fun. Until you ran out of glue. Sadly, the follow up HUGO MAN OF A THOUSAND FECES was not as big of a hit.


#4 VERTI-BIRD
These were incredibly cool. A mini helicopter that flew round and round while you could control it's altitude. These were removed from the market after a while, as the propellor was cited as an eye hazzard to kids. I liked to get little kid dolls with a fat man and reinact scenes from THE TWILIGHT ZONE MOVIE with mine.


#3 ALIEN
Easily the scariest looking toy ever made. This beautiful 18" figure didn't last in the stores long. It was a bit over $22.00 when it came out in 1978, and most mom's didn't think it was the nicest looking thing to buy for their kids, to boot. When you pressed a button on the back o his head, his evil steel teeth would retract out. Find one of these babies and you've got a treasure that you should hold on to forever. A true work of art, that's far better than any ALIEN related toy ever made since.


#2 GI JOE WITH KUNG FU GRIP
So many GI JOES to choose from but you have to go with the KUNG-FU grip. It sounds so cool to say. These GI JOES were the best of all. What an insult when they were brought back in the 80s as little tiny wimpatroopers that looked like they were ready to do battle with the Smurfs. Back then GI JOE had real life enemies like Nazis to fight instead of the marksman impaired COBRA.


#1 BIG WHEEL Easily the defining toy of the 70s. They don't make these anymore, and I don't understand why. We used love tearing around the neighborhood in these like mad bikers. It had a great hand brake that you could slam on at top speed and skid out like you some real biker badass.

Coming soon...THE TOP 10 GIRL toys of the 70s!

PS: Don't bother emailing me about girls playing with boy toys and vice versa...I know plenty of girls that love boy toys and plenty of guys that like girl toys. How do you think I'll come up with my next list :) ?

 

-Robert
webmaster@retrocrush.com