Hey, folks!  When comedy star Francois Fly told me he got an exclusive interview with the legendary Unknown Comic, I was frothing at the mouth, begging him every day until we finally got it here, exclusively at retroCRUSH to share with the masses.

I was a mere maggot, still going by the name of Frankie when I spotted the comedian that would ruin my life. It was while watching The Gong Show, (the greatest TV show of all time) that I was first corrupted by the evil genius of The Unknown Comic. Chuck Barris was as excited introducing this act as when he gave us the men who played music on their zippers. The great Unknown came strutting out on stage, cocky and manic in a horrid sports coat with a bag over his head, three bowling ball like holes allowing him to see and speak. Rapid fire he launched into the kind of goofy gags Milton Berle mightíve stolen; Heíd been to psychiatrist he tells us, pulling off his bag to reveal a smaller bag, ďWhat a head shrink!Ē He does his impersonation of the first man to land on the sun, hopping up and down as if his feet are burning. His impersonation of Farrah Fawcett involves turning his bag backward revealing a picture of Farrah on the other side, spitting water out the mouth hole turns the impersonation into Leaky Faucet. Such cheese, such schlock, such brilliance. I laughed so hard I pupated. I realized Iíd been working too hard. Francois Fly was born.

I was of course thrilled to hear that Chuck Barris had authored an autobiography, finally telling in his own words the story of his double life as Gong Show host and producer by day and CIA assassin by night. I was excited still further when George Clooney grabbed the rights and made a film based on the bio. ďConfessions of A Dangerous MindĒ-the movie is set to be released in December and so another wave of fame is sure to hit the Unknown Comic. I had a chance to talk with my hero, old bag face about his past, and his future. Enjoy!

Francois Fly: Is it true the bag and the whole unknown gimmick was because doing the Gong Show was slumming it compared to doing Laugh In?

Unknown Comic: Nah...I just saw several comics at the playboy club...and thought; shit...I could do that with a bag over my head....

F-Fly: Were you surprised at the response The Unknown Comic got?

UC: The correct answer is yes and no...but that would make me wishy lemme change that to maybe...but then again...maybe not.

F-Fly: and what do you think made The Unknown Comic so popular.

UC: People look at him and say...shit, I could do that "without" a bag over my head...

F-Fly: Do you regret taking off the bag?

UC: The only thing I regret is agreeing to this interview...


F-Fly: Is Chuck Barris nuts?

UC: Finish the Chuck Barris Nuts...Large? Soft? Squishy? Missing?

F-Fly: Any funny Gene, Gene the Dancing Machine stories? I loved that guy.

UC: Yeah...he just had both his legs removed because of diabetes ... Iím not sure if that could be considered a funny Gene story ... Wait...he tried to sue the studio where he worked...but he lost... because they said he didnít have a leg to stand on... There is that better...??? Gene, Gene is the best...

F-Fly: What's the worst day-job you've ever had?

UC: Cleaning elephant shit at a circus for two years...I would have quit earlier...but I didnít want to get out of show business... After that...I worked as a stuntman in Porno Films...My favorite was Americas first patriotic porno film...Yank My Doodle Its a Dandy...It was a very sad film...when I first saw it in a porno theater...there wasnít a dry hand in the house.

F-Fly: What are the highlights of your post Gong Show career?

UC: Recently becoming a father...unfortunately because my kid looks just like me...we have to get some major enable his head to fold up properly...Any recommendations for a good paper surgeon would be greatly appreciated.

F-Fly: The low point....

UC: Again...agreeing to this interview....

F-Fly: Tell me about your Vegas show. I've heard rumors of show girls w/bags over their heads, and general mayhem?

UC: Yes there are many rumors about my sexual activities in Las Vegas and they are all true...One of my favorites was the time I had sex with three show girls who were on their periods at the same time...Before we had sex, they put on a Menstrual show for me......

F-Fly: Legend has it there exists an unknown comic centerfold where you are nude save for TWO paper bags. Can you deny or confirm the existence of this crime against nature?

UC: Let it also be known that I had to fold my dick in half to get it into the lower bag...

F-Fly: You appeared frequently on The Sonny and Cher show. Did Cher ever put the moves on you? Sonny?

UC: Yes I was a regular for 4 years on the Sonny and Cher show...and Cher never actually made a move on me, but she often told me she thought I was a Sex Symbol....but she later admitted she was never quite sure which Sex I was a Symbol of...  Sonny, on the other hand....or perhaps, it was my own hand......Whatever!

F-Fly: What are your plans to capitalize on the attention you're sure to get after Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind comes out?

UC: With the money I am making again...I plan on buying myself some new toe separators.

F-Fly: Will we be seeing an Unknown Comic cartoon?

UC: Perhaps...but then again ...perhaps not...

F-Fly: Video Game?

UC: Yes...we may even add audio...

F-Fly: Adult Hygiene Products?

UC: Absolutely...I am coming out with a line of talking vibrators for women...They will go "Wwrrrrrrr whatís in the refrigerator"...Wwrrrrrrr Iíll call you tomorrow."...Etc.

F-Fly: Joe Cobden will be playing The Unknown Comic in the movie.

UC: Right...they said I was too old to play myself... too many wrinkles on the bag

F-Fly: Did you coach him?

UC: Yes...but when I suggested a plastic bag...he got uppity

F-Fly: How'd he do as you?

UC: He ended up using a Vacuum cleaner bag...and I heard he sucked.

F-Fly: Nobody contacted me about taking the role! What up with that?

UC: There is something about you that just pisses everyone off....


F-Fly: Who are your biggest influences in Comedy?

UC: Dom de Luise, Louie Anderson and Roseanne Barr were my Biggest

F-Fly: Who are your favorite comedians working today?

UC: O.J. Simpson...Mike Tyson and Charles Mansion

F-Fly: Who are your favorites of all time?

UC: Jesus and two of the three wise men.

F-Fly: What did you have for breakfast this morning?

UC: Cream of washroom soup...a tuna milk shake...and a slice of garlic cake

F-Fly: Would you recommend that breakfast to other people who would like to be famous/anonymous?

UC: Why are you asking me that? What are you trying to say? Who are you? What are you getting at? Why all the questions and what makes you think Iím Paranoid?

F-Fly: Are you performing currently as Murray Langston, The Unknown Comic, or both?

UC: Both or vice versa or the other way around. Depends which way Iím facing.

F-Fly: What are your shows like?

UC: Itís not easy being a comedian...You try to entertain people and all they do is laugh at you...

F-Fly: I see you, Steve Martin and Andy Kaufman as bringing back silly comedy in the Ď70s. You all have a good dose of vaudeville and you all play with the medium a-lot, goofing on the whole concept and identity of what a stand up comedian is.

UC: First of all, Andy Kaufman was the only one who had a dose...and it wasn't a good dose...Secondly, Steve Martin is probably now and always will be...And Thirdly, I think that the concept of silly comedy is too copious for my dominion of comprehension making the exuberance of my verbosity to be titillating, yet sexually frustrating...not to mention vagina...or did I just mention vagina.

F-Fly: Currently the comedy scene has gone toward degradation with "Extreme", (I've come to hate that word)Ö

UC: (interrupting)Öand I hate you for using that word.

F-Fly: (continuing) ďExtremeĒ comedians like Andy Dick and Tom Greene.

UC: (answering) Nothing worse than a Dick and Greene in comedy...
except maybe a Dick and Bush in the White house...

F-Fly: (sobbing) What do you think of this current movement?

UC: (knitting little baby storm trooper booties) I think with the current movement...I need to go to the bathroom

F-Fly: (sweating) Where do you see comedy going next?

UC: (punching) Probably to Iraq. Is Bob Hope still around?

F-Fly: (ducking) Will you take the 1-800-call-attt commercials when they're offered?

UC: (dreaming) If it pays more than what Iím getting for this interview...yes.

F-Fly: (volunteering) Do comedians have groupies?

UC: (Projectile vomiting) Yes, and even though I'm now in my fifties, I can still make love for 5 or 6 hours straight without stopping...even longer if I'm with a girl...
and when they jump in the sack with me, I donít worry
because I wear baggies...

F-Fly: (flossing carefully between each tooth) Have you ever been asked to wear the bag during amore.

UC: (picking) Not only during, but before and after.... but most women think Iím too square...But I have been in a few orgies...where I get to play grab bag.

F-Fly: (ass-kissing) So what can we expect from your website in the future

UC: (plugging) To make so much money that I donít have to do any more interviews

Well, there you have it. As Unknown now as before you wasted your time trying to get to know a maniac with a bag on his head being interviewed by a kook wearing two strainers and some rubber bands over his face. Visit his site a-lot. Seeing the hit counter go up may convince him to put some actual worthy content on line. And watch for him to come to a comedy club near you, or hire him to play your next birthday party. By the way, Iím available for weddings, funerals, or interventions as well.

-Francois Fly


You can waste time at FRANCOIS FLY'S SITE, ROCKASS.NET if you CLICK HERE.

-Robert Berry