THE MOST ANNOYING MOVIE CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME
VOLUME ONE

Let's face it.  Annoying actors are a dime a dozen.  It's no mean feat to cast Carrot Top, Andie Macdowall, or Matthew Lillard in a film and have them be annoying, their very nature is to annoy.  What's really remarkable are film characters that in and of themselves are so utterly annoying, they make you want to claw your eyes out and tear off your own ears to stop the exposure.  Let's have a look at some of the most annoying of all time.  (And thanks to the fine forum members of Something Awful for some of the ideas!)


ALFALFA from the "Our Gang" Film series
as played by Carl Dean Switzer

Was there anything redeeming about this kid?  From his wiggly ears, to his monstrously tall cowlick hair, this goofy tyke is one of film's earliest annoyances.  Surrounded by vastly more appealing kids from Buckwheat to Darla to Spanky, poor Alfalfa stuck out like a sore thumb.  Alfalfa's most annoying feature was his squeaky glass shattering singing voice, which he was all too eager to share at the drop of a hat.  His rendition of "The Barber of Seville" may go down as the worst song in a movie, ever.  It's pretty sad when Froggy is more soothing to the ears than Alfalfa.  There's a pretty cool Alfalfa site HERE if you're interested in further torture.  Carl Dean Switzer, who played Alfalfa, was killed in a parking lot brawl in 1959.


STANLEY from "The Bellboy"
as played by Jerry Lewis

Trying to decide which Jerry Lewis character was the most annoying is a bit like finding the stinkiest piece of crap in a portable toilet.  Just unbearable and obnoxious to watch, it's no wonder the French love him so much.  Here's an AUDIO CLIP from the movie that shows just how annoying he is.


ARNIE GRAPE from "What's Eating Gilbert Grape"
 as played by Leonardo DiCaprio

Sure, he's retarded, so you have to give him a bit of leeway, but Arnie is so fucking annoying throughout this film that you just want to pin him to the ground and beat his head repeatedly with a barb-wire wrapped baseball bat until his head explodes into a fine mess.  And you feel sorry for his poor older brother, Gilbert, who tolerates his annoying repeated phrases and obnoxious habits.  At least George had the good sense to shoot Lenny at the end of "Of Mice and Men", the potential for a Gilbert Grape sequel still gives me the shakes at night.


THE CABLE GUY
as played by Jim Carrey

Obnoxious, creepy, and just plain unwatchable, The Cable Guy is too annoying even by Jim Carrey's normal revolting standards.  Ben Stiller directed this mess, which aimed to be a dark comedy, but by leaving the comedy part out, it just floundered miserably.  From watching Carrey sing, "Somebody To Love" at a karaoke party, to listening to his weird lispy accent, there's just nothing to enjoy about this character, or the film, for that matter (save the closing credits which arrive like an Angel of Mercy telling you to run home, it's all over!).
 


LITTLE NICKY
as played by Adam Sandler

Sandler's usually pretty obnoxious in every film he's in, but sometimes it's at least pulled off with small bit of charm ("The Waterboy" and "Happy Gilmore") so that it's a bit fun to witness.  Not the case with "Little Nicky". Sandler sports shitty outfits, has a shitty haircut, and delivers shitty lines with a shitty screaming voice that doesn't make a shit of shitty shit sense.  If he was a car, he'd be "Shitty Shitty Bang Bang".  If he was a painting he'd be the "The Mona Shitty".  If he was a rap group he'd be "MC Shit and the Shitmaster Shitheads!"  (Sorry, I got carried away there).  Needless to say, he hasn't learned his lesson, giving us more annoying characters with "Mr. Deeds" and "8 Crazy Nights" to continue his legacy of shit for years to come.


ZOOLANDER
as played by Ben Stiller

Not satisfied with directing "The Cable Guy", Ben Stiller decided to hog the annoying glory all to himself with this mess.  The world of supermodels is annoying enough in real iife, so why anyone thought it'd be funny to amplify the pretentiousness and stupidity in to a full length picture is beyond me.  There's nobody to blame but Stiller for this fiasco, who wrote, directed, starred, produced, catered, and was best boy for the film.  He needs to stick to getting his balls stuck in his zipper for future endeavors. 


RICKY SLADE from "Made"
as played by Vince Vaughn

If ever there was a movie character you'd want to shoot in the head, it's Ricky Slade in "Made".  Vaughn was pretty funny as a hip loser in Swingers, but his performance in this film is an unwatchable wreck.  Just because a character is supposed to be annoying, doesn't make him any more watchable.  I tried to finish this flick in 3 different sittings, and still never made it all the way through. 
 


SHORT ROUND from "Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom"
as played by Ke Huy Quan

Who knows what Spielberg and Lucas were thinking when they decided to give Indy an annoying Vietnamese child sidekick for the sequel to Raiders of The Lost Ark.  I mean, this was Indiana FUCKING Jones!  Every kid wanted to be him, so to think it made him more kid friendly by giving him a partner who just put him in nonstop danger and screamed "DOCTOR JONES! DOCTOR JONES!" nonstop (just listen to THIS EXCLUSIVE CLIP to see what I mean) was the biggest mistake they could have made.  Well, maybe the second biggest...


WILLIE from "Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom"
as played by Kate "I Married the Director" Capshaw

Good lord!  I suppose of Indy would have dumped the kid and this annoying bitch, he would have got he stones in 20 minutes and the film would have been too short, but I wouldn't have minded.  Her only purpose in the film is to scream (LISTEN TO THIS) and get saved, apparently.  I only hope the rumors of her coming back for the long awaited 4th installment in the series are just something Harry Knowles made up after eating too many day old Whoppers. 


RUBY RHOD from "The Fifth Element"
as played by Chris Tucker

There's not much to like about The Fifth Element, and ranked high among its annoyances is Ruby Rhod, a flamboyant effeminate DJ from the future who makes Richard Simmons come across as macho.  He's not gay as there's an entourage of women who seem to worship the ground he walks on.  His high pitched girlish squeals and unfunny nonstop chatter are an abomination to the senses.  Sure, he's supposed to be annoying, as Bruce Willis' end up being frustrated with him as well, but that's no consolation to the poor bastards that try to sit through this mess. 


JAR JAR BINKS from "Star Wars The Phantom Menace"

Every good thing George Lucas has ever done was tossed out the window when he introduced this shuckin' and jivin' CGI minstrel act in "The Phantom Menace".  With lines like, "If me be returnin, the Bosses will do terrible things to me! Tewwwwible things!", it's as if Lucas studied old Amos and Andy shows when crafting the dialogue for the character.  Here's an OFFENSIVE AUDIO CLIP that just blows me away!  He could have mended fences with the fans by killing him off in the second film, but instead end up making his decisions the catalyst for more horrible things to come.  As the boxes of clearance priced action figures attest, I don't think there's a movie character in existance that has been more hated than Jar Jar Binks.

-Robert Berry
webmaster@retrocrush.com

PS:  I eagerly await clever emails like, "You're the most annoying character, jackass!" or "Let's see you do better!" or "Quit sending me that damn goatse.cx picture, you fucking sicko!"  Fire away!