THE COOLEST TOYS EVER

If there's one thing that kids have in common, it's a love of toys.  Whether your parents got you ever latest new flashy thing, or you just found an armless GI JOE to pass the time with, toys have played an important role in all of our lives.  Here's a loving look at the coolest toys of all time, resulting from an intensive 8 year multi-million dollar study performed by our website.


BARREL OF MONKEYS

This game is more fun than...well, you know (HAW! HAW! HAW!).  Seriously, it was pretty cool to dump these dudes on the floor and connect them into a giant chain o' monkeys.  They should make a version with plastic Robert Downey Jr.'s and Courtney Loves called "Barrel of Junkies".


TRACER GUN

This is one of those toys you'd always see for sale at a grocery store and bug your mother for incessantly while she shut you out and focused on the latest Weekly World News headline instead.  You were always guaranteed to lose at least half of your ammo within one day after getting one of these great guns.  Some versions would even work with pennies!  


VERTI-BIRD

This cool toy featured a helicopter on an arm that would fly in a circle and you could make it go up and down.  Apparently too many stupid kids liked to let the plastic propeller cut their eyes open as it flew by, so they took it off the market.  If you get action figures of Vic Morrow and 2 Asian kids, you can re-enact a scene from TWILIGHT ZONE THE MOVIE for extra coolness.


SUCKER-MAN

Despite the name, it's not a toy endorsed by Ron Jeremy, but Sucker-Man was pretty darn cool.  You'd just get him wet, then throw him on the wall, and ... he'd stick there!  Just like a puppy, only without the annoying whimpering sounds and blood stains.  They also had a Glow In The Dark Sucker-Man, for night time Sucker-Man action!


VIEW-MASTER

I spent many an hour with my View-Master camera staring at reels of the 1966 Batman TV show because there were tons of sexy Julie Newmar Catwoman pictures.  Good thing you only needed one hand to use it!


SIMON

This maddeningly addictive game was introduced in the 70s and is still made to this day.  By repeating the sequence of colored lights, you'd drive yourself nuts in no time.  It's the second best selling electronic family game of all time, next to Kenner's POW Testicle Shock-o-Rama Playset.


MILKY THE MARVELOUS MILKING COW

After drinking water, you could squeeze Milky's udder and collect her milk in a bucket.  Now if only they'd make a version of this featuring Jenna Jameson, my life would be complete.  They actually made a follow up to this toy called "Gobbles the Garbage Eating Goat".  Trash Film director John Waters has a hilarious write up of it in his essay, "Why I Love Christmas", that I've excerpted below:

"That crazy eating goat" reads the delightful package, and in small print, "Contains: One realistic goat with head that goes up and down. Comes complete with seven pieces of pretend garbage." This Kenner Discovery Time toy's instructions are priceless. "Gobbles loves to eat garbage when he's hungry, and he's ALWAYS hungry. (1) Hold Gobbles mouth open by the beard. Stuff a piece of pretend garbage straight into his mouth and (2) pump the tail until the garbage disappears." It ends with an ominous warning, "Feed Gobbles only the garbage that comes with the toy," and in even smaller print "If you need additional garbage, we will, as a service, send it to you direct. For 14 pieces of garbage send $1 (check or money order; sorry, no C.O.D.) to . . . . " I can't tell you the hours of fun I've had with Gobbles. Sometimes when I'm very bored, Gobbles and I get naked and play-play.


THE GREAT GARLOO

How could a toy called The Great Garloo not be cool?  A mix between The Creature From The Black Lagoon and a caveman, this battery powered remote control toy from 1962 is one of the more sought after monster collectibles of all time.  Howard Stern has even mentioned that this was the greatest toy he was ever given as a kid.


THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN

Definitely one of the cooler action figures ever made, this Bionic Man doll had a bionic eye you could look through, a button in his back that could lift an engine, and a bizarre rubber arm skin that you could roll down like a condom to look at his bionic circuitry.  You could also use him to slap around your sister's Farrah Fawcett Majors doll.  Also, if you put a rolled up sock under his shirt, you have an instant Fall-Guy action figure.


OUIJA: THE MYSTIFYING ORACLE

In these days of cell phones and Palm Pilots, it's nice to remember the days when you'd talk to the evil spirits of beyond with a good old fashioned Ouija Board.  Captain Howdy says, "Hi!"  There was a girl named Susan who lived down the street that told me if you took apart the board, you would find Satan's brain inside.  I wonder what asylum she's living in now?


KENNER GIVE A SHOW PROJECTOR

This was great because you could watch cartoon slideshows in your room after everyone was asleep.  I never could figure out how to cut out pictures from my dad's Playboys and make them work inside, but someday I will.  Someday...


HOLLY HOBBY

Holly Hobby was a fun doll in the 70s that sort of cashed in on that "Little House on The Prairie" look.  The follow up doll, Betty Bukkake, caused much outrage, however, and was taken off store shelves, immediately.


THE GHOST GUN

This is one of those toys that I'd cut off a thumb to get!  A buddy of mine had one and I still think it's cool as hell.  You'd put these film strips of ghosts in the gun and they'd be projected on the wall.  The gun would shoot little pellets through the strip and it'd look like you were shooting the ghost on the wall.  These can go for $200 easily when and if they are for sale.  I'll be your best friend if you buy me one, honest!


BATTLING TOPS

Battling tops were great simple fun.  As these little dudes spun around and knocked in to each other, hours of delight would be had. 


CARE BEARS

These loveable little bears had different symbols to express their personality on their chest.  Good Luck Bear had a shamrock, Grumpy had a cloud, Sunshine had a sun, and Goatse had a huge gaping anus embroidered on his tummy.


MAGIC 8 BALL

When I was a kid, I'd spent hours playing with my Magic 8 Ball.  So much that its answers became a part of my everyday conversations.  Of course, when my parents would ask "How was school today?", and I'd throw back "Try again later!" or "It is certain", they got fed up and threw it away.  Goodbye Magic 8 Ball!  I still love you.

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