December 14, 2002

Encouraged by the success of 17 year old basketball phenom, LeBron James, who is expected to be next year's #1 draft pick, execs at NIKE and ADIDAS are ready to offer a $32 Million shoe contract to Keshawn McDaniels, a 9 week old fetus from Oakland, CA.  An NBA insider says, "his shooting accuracy could use some work, but he already plays better than half the Lakers."

Electronic music pioneer Moby was beaten severely outside of a New York club, making many folks question his strict vegetarianism claims, as he was seen eating several knuckle sandwiches during the incident.

After losing custody of her children for several months, comedienne Paula Poundstone is happy that they'll be returning home soon where she can return to showing them bukkake videos, beating them with a rusty coathanger, and leaving them to fend for themselves with nothing but a bucket of chicken and a six-pack for weeks on end while she goes on romantic getaways with Rosie O'Donnel and Janet Reno being a loving mother and raising them in a clean moral environment.

After calling the Bush Administration "corrupt", actor Sean Peen made a surprising visit to Baghdad amidst intense pre-wartime tensions between America and Iraq, prompting many to wonder if he's preparing for the sequel to "I Am Sam", or if he's just naturally retarded.

Sylvester Stallone announced that he will be returning to the movie ring with a 6th part in his Rocky series.  Though tight-lipped about plot details, Harry Knowles of aintitcoolnews.com reports that Balboa will be fighting George Foreman's grill.  Stallone told reporters at a Friday press conference, "If this movie does well, I might do a sequel to 'Rhinestone', and 'Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!', before staring into the beyond and drooling on himself for a half hour.

Desperately trying to change his image for making racist remarks at a party for Strom Thurmond, Senator Trent Lott has announced he will touring with RUN DMC in place of the late Jam Master Jay next year.  Though he isn't scoring many points with the rappers, as he's already asked them to drink from separate water fountains backstage.  By the way, this photo is in Black and White, as Lott has asked not to be featured in any colored photos.

Lord of The Onion Rings!