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THE WORST SEX SCENES EVER
A LOOK AT THE MOST UNSEXY SEX SCENES IN FILM

In the last 30 years, sex has become more and more prevalent in mainstream film.  No longer confined to the world of porn, many erotic sex scenes have found their way in to very successful Oscar caliber movies.  But this is a tribute to those hopelessly pathetic stumbling bad bits of eroticism that fail to turn even the most desperate individuals on.  Some of these try so hard to be erotic, but fail miserably, while others feature individuals with the chemistry of toothpaste and orange juice.  So without further adieu, here we go...

CASINO
featuring Joe Pesci and Sharon Stone

Yikes! Could there be a more repulsive combination than these two? It's like one of the munchkins got a shot at Dorothy (provided Dorothy was a bleached blonde crack addict whore).  Most of Scorsese's films contain incredibly awkward sex scenes for that matter, from DeNiro biting Illeana Douglas' face in Cape Fear, to Jesus getting busy with Mary Magdalene in The Last Temptation of Christ, he just never seems to capture that romantic mood.  That being said, Stone's other sex scenes with Stallone (The Specialist), Adam Baldwin (Sliver), and Michael Douglas (Basic Instinct), are equally unerotic.  She's like watching your friend's drunk mom.

  

LAST TANGO IN PARIS
featuring Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider

The sex scene between Brando and Schneider isn't too bad, until the infamous anal sex with butter scene.  It's ironic that 30 years, and 300 pounds later, Brando still needs butter to squeeze into the back door!

ENTRAPMENT
featuring Sean Connery and Catherine T-Mobile Jones

Food for thought, when Ms. Jones turned 5, Mr. Connery was already 44 years old!  You certainly can't blame the guy for filming a love scene with the lovely young thing, but to a movie watcher, it's like seeing Grandpa get a hooker.  At least she has toned down a bit, marrying Michael Douglas, who's only 25 years her senior.

 

POISON IVY
featuring Tom Skerritt and Drew Barrymore

Another entry in the January-December relationship is Poison Ivy which features a 17 year old Drew Barrymore getting busy with a 59 year old Tom Skerritt.  The age difference is part of the story's angle, but to see Skerritt's tongue creeping from under his gray mustache licking Barrymore's bruise-splotched body is like a cinematic finger down the throat.  Of course, if you see Poison Ivy II, you get to watch Alyssa Milano get seduced by old guys, too.  Sadly the installment where George Burns does The Olsen Twins had to be scrapped due to his untimely death.

BODY OF EVIDENCE
featuring Madonna and Willem Defoe

The story involves Madonna's character, who's under investigation for killing someone because she had sex with him too much (it was genital ebola).  The kinky trysts between those two involve sex on top of broken glass, and hot candle wax being dumped on his crotch.  This movie is sexy, if your idea of sexy is watching The Green Goblin get busy with The Sea Hag. 

MATRIX RELOADED
featuring Keanu Reeves and She-Keanu

While an underground jungle rave party goes on (and on... and on), viewers of Matrix Reloaded are treated to the creepy sight of Keanu Reeves having sex with Carrie-Ann Moss.  Intercut with thumping beats of thousands of dancing people outside their room, this scene is confusing as hell, as the two look just like each other, leaving all but the most sexually comfortable to curl up in a ball and wonder just who's ass it is they're really getting excited by.  They might as well have filmed a gangbang with 40 different Agent Smiths, while they were at it (oh yeah, they did... it was called Matrix Revolutions).

MONSTER'S BALL
featuring Billy Bob Thornton and Halle Berry

Fresh off her hot topless scene in Swordfish, the buzz on Halle Berry's graphic sex scene in Monster's Ball was eagerly anticipated...until you found out it was with Mr. Sling Blade!  Berry got a well deserved Oscar for this role for filming the intense romp without puking once.  The 70 year old Thornton's presence was just creepy to see next to the lovely Berry, making one wonder why they didn't title it Monster's Swollen Prostate instead.

SHOWGIRLS
featuring Kyle Maclaughlin and Elizabeth Berkeley

There's a wonderfully pathetic scene in Showgirls where Kyle and Liz have sex in a swimming pool.  They look fine enough together, but when she's ready to climax, all hell breaks loose.  She arches backward and starts twitching around as if she's having an epileptic seizure.  It's unintentionally funny to the highest degree (as is the rest of this camp classic).

DELIVERANCE
featuring Ned Beatty and Crazy Hillbilly

What should have been a tender moment in the forest between two men is cheapened as Ned is forced to make pig sounds while being forcibly raped, eliminating all eroticism potential. Sometimes a man just want to be held, not made to be a farm animal.  

Got any more suggestions?  Go to the retroCRUSH forums and share them!

And thanks to the fine folks at The Something Awful Forums for the extra help.  They truly are the most wonderful people on earth.

 

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