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BAADASSS BALLIN'
BEDROOMS of the 70s
Once again, its time for
retroCRUSH's furniture experts, Randy and Robert, to explore the mostly bizarre,
often hideous, but always hilarious furniture and decor of yesteryear!
This time, they're taking a special look at the most sacred of places, the
bedroom!
RANDY: Dark Dingy bedrooms
of the 70s. I remember sneaking into my friend's stoner parents bedroom
and it looked so much like these. Back then, the bedroom was THE place to
snort cocaine, smoke weed, and fuck with wild abandon. At least for a kid
who didn't have much concept about sex, you still knew something wild and crazy
had to happen leaving crusty stains on the velour bed coverings. So
without further adieu, we bring to you a few bedroom ideas you'd have to be
stoned to enjoy!
RANDY: One of my personal
favorites. As you make whoopie you can turn on the various strobe lights around
the bed. These were primarily designed for the "slow motion money shot" used in
the ultra rare creation of Disco Porn.
ROBERT:
I love the brown shag carpet that compliments the purple bed so well. It
looks like someone killed Barney and made him into a bed!
RANDY: Check out the Ovary
lamps and the poster square that matches the same color of the walls. I'm not
quite sure what's up with the dog basket at the foot of the bed. I'm guessing it
might involve strategic placement of Alpo and a great love of aggressive
terriers.
ROBERT: This looks
like Mr. Miyagi's love nest. The real creepy part is if you look really
hard at the bookcase, its filled with nothing but copies of Judy Blume's "Are
You There God? It's Me, Margaret!". Its also the first room I've ever seen
that used the famous Crayola color, Burnt Umber.
RANDY: Do not attempt to
adjust your monitor. I control the Vertical and the Horizontal. The lamps in
this room had to be stolen from a local Pizza Parlor or Donut Shop.
ROBERT: This room
would be great for drunks, cause you could throw up all over the bed, and nobody
would ever know. Well, except for the smell of decayed tuna, beans, and
vodka.
RANDY: Note the liberal use
of bodily fluid colors. There's no way anyone will notice that you splashed
while pissing on your foxy lady. The shrunken heads on the table can also double
as Vaginal Beads for those nights when two large, clinched fists aren't enough.
ROBERT: I haven't
seen a room with this much shit, piss, and jism colors since I had that
unfortunate incident in Dom DeLuise's bathroom!
RANDY: Who can resist this classic "lets fuck & watch ourselves" bedroom?
ROBERT: I dunno, I
think that fish tank above the bed totally rocks! It looks like the kind
of place Scarface would have lived in before he bought his mansion.
RANDY: Even if your
not hung like a horse this bedroom can trick people into believing they're being
fucked by one.
ROBERT: A horse and
mirror! I'm speechless! I once had sex in a bedroom with a mirrored
ceiling. Its pretty weird watching your ass bob up and down.
RANDY: MY ass?
ROBERT: Uhhh...next
room!
RANDY: No 70's sex session
is complete without Seashell bongs and metal rods.
ROBERT: What the fuck
is that hanging above the bed? It looks like the pelts of neighborhood
cats are being dried!
We love getting emails from readers about our furniture
stories. Even angry ones!
"You guys really didn't do your
homework before publishing 'ugly furniture
from the seventies'. Actually most of the classics that appear in your
photo's were designed in the fifties and sixties.
"You might want to explore the history of some of the components you are
showing. The womb chair by Saarinen is arguably the simplest most outstanding
chair and ottoman ever manufactured. You also show the Eames rosewood chair
which was first manufactured in the early sixties. Original versions of this
chair easily go for three times the amount of the brand new ones they still
sell today. Just the fact that a product can remain on the market for fifty
years proves it to be a classic design.
"Yes, you do show a lot of crap in most of those photo's, but you really goofed
by including photo's with many examples of fine modern furniture. The interiors
you show are probably all from the seventies, and the use of some of the
finishes and materials is questionable, but go back and take a look at some of
your outfits you wore in those years, I bet they are just as, if not more
tasteless.
-Jeff Sokalski
www.effdesign.com"
What is this "research" word you speak
of? Ha! Ha! Glad you liked our "photo's", though!
ORBITZ: THE MOST BIZARRE
DRINK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!
Robert Berry
webmaster@retrocrush.com
Long before ORBITZ was a travel company
with sporty pop up ads, it was a soda the likes of which the world has never
seen, and likely will ever see again.
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HERE FOR MORE ON ORBITZ!
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