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Once again, its time for retroCRUSH's furniture experts, Randy and Robert, to explore the mostly bizarre, often hideous, but always hilarious furniture and decor of yesteryear!  This time, they're taking a special look at the most sacred of places, the bedroom!

RANDY: Dark Dingy bedrooms of the 70s.  I remember sneaking into my friend's stoner parents bedroom and it looked so much like these.  Back then, the bedroom was THE place to snort cocaine, smoke weed, and fuck with wild abandon.  At least for a kid who didn't have much concept about sex, you still knew something wild and crazy had to happen leaving crusty stains on the velour bed coverings.  So without further adieu, we bring to you a few bedroom ideas you'd have to be stoned to enjoy!

RANDY: One of my personal favorites. As you make whoopie you can turn on the various strobe lights around the bed. These were primarily designed for the "slow motion money shot" used in the ultra rare creation of Disco Porn.

ROBERT:  I love the brown shag carpet that compliments the purple bed so well.  It looks like someone killed Barney and made him into a bed!

RANDY: Check out the Ovary lamps and the poster square that matches the same color of the walls. I'm not quite sure what's up with the dog basket at the foot of the bed. I'm guessing it might involve strategic placement of Alpo and a great love of aggressive terriers.

ROBERT:  This looks like Mr. Miyagi's love nest.  The real creepy part is if you look really hard at the bookcase, its filled with nothing but copies of Judy Blume's "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret!".  Its also the first room I've ever seen that used the famous Crayola color, Burnt Umber.

RANDY: Do not attempt to adjust your monitor. I control the Vertical and the Horizontal. The lamps in this room had to be stolen from a local Pizza Parlor or Donut Shop.

ROBERT:  This room would be great for drunks, cause you could throw up all over the bed, and nobody would ever know.  Well, except for the smell of decayed tuna, beans, and vodka.

RANDY: Note the liberal use of bodily fluid colors. There's no way anyone will notice that you splashed while pissing on your foxy lady. The shrunken heads on the table can also double as Vaginal Beads for those nights when two large, clinched fists aren't enough.

ROBERT:  I haven't seen a room with this much shit, piss, and jism colors since I had that unfortunate incident in Dom DeLuise's bathroom!

RANDY: Who can resist this classic "lets fuck & watch ourselves" bedroom?

ROBERT:  I dunno, I think that fish tank above the bed totally rocks!  It looks like the kind of place Scarface would have lived in before he bought his mansion.

RANDY: Even if your not hung like a horse this bedroom can trick people into believing they're being fucked by one.

ROBERT:  A horse and mirror!  I'm speechless!  I once had sex in a bedroom with a mirrored ceiling.  Its pretty weird watching your ass bob up and down.

RANDY:  MY ass?

ROBERT:  Uhhh...next room!

RANDY: No 70's sex session is complete without Seashell bongs and metal rods.

ROBERT:  What the fuck is that hanging above the bed?  It looks like the pelts of neighborhood cats are being dried!

We love getting emails from readers about our furniture stories. Even angry ones!

"You guys really didn't do your homework before publishing 'ugly furniture from the seventies'. Actually most of the classics that appear in your photo's were designed in the fifties and sixties.
"You might want to explore the history of some of the components you are showing. The womb chair by Saarinen is arguably the simplest most outstanding chair and ottoman ever manufactured. You also show the Eames rosewood chair which was first manufactured in the early sixties.  Original versions of this chair easily go for three times the amount of  the brand new ones they still sell today. Just the fact that a product can remain on the market for fifty years proves it to be a classic design.
"Yes, you do show a lot of crap in most of those photo's, but you really goofed by including photo's with many examples of fine modern furniture. The interiors you show are probably all from the seventies, and the use of some of the finishes and materials is questionable, but go back and take a look at some of your outfits you wore in those years, I bet they are just as, if not more tasteless.
-Jeff Sokalski

What is this "research" word you speak of?  Ha! Ha!  Glad you liked our "photo's", though!

Robert Berry webmaster@retrocrush.com

Long before ORBITZ was a travel company with sporty pop up ads, it was a soda the likes of which the world has never seen, and likely will ever see again.




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