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Kirk Franklin kirk@retrocrush.com

PIXAR has done it again!  After the success of BUGS LIFE, THE TOY STORY films, and MONSTERS INC., their latest instant classic FINDING NEMO does not disappoint!  Animated with the aid of computers, this is one "fish tail" that does not disappoint!

Albert Brooks, the curly headed Jewish guy from The In-Laws does the voice of Marlin the clownfish.  His raw sensuality is apparent as the father, who's trying hard to find his son, Nemo. (That's where you get the title of the movie from, you see!).

But the real talent comes from Ellen Degeneris who plays a lesbian fish named Dory.  Every time that fish opened its mouth, I couldn't help buy wonder how those blue lips would feel against mine.  Sure, its a fish, but you can't deny she's one sexy little tart.  I haven't seen fish this sexy since Piranha II: The Spawning.

I also found the movie to be difficult to watch while making love to an inflatable fish.  A note to you parents, if you've got a problem seeing people enjoy the full interactive experience of a film like this, just wait until the DVD comes out and just watch it at home, would ya?  If only the security guards were more tolerant of my behavior, I could have finished watching the thing.

Some of the film is disappointing, like when you have to look at all the water for the whole movie.  If they could have thrown in a few desert or jungle scenes to spice thing up, it would have made it a bit more interesting.  They might as well have just called this movie "BUNCH OF FISH IN THE WATER FOR 2 HOURS: THE RECKONING" (I always thought "The Reckoning" was a good sub-title, so that was just thrown on for commercial purposes).

In addition, the ushers in the movie theater need to do a better job pointing me to the right screen.  I spent 15 minutes watching a movie about a guy throwing up and losing his hair before I realized I accidentally sat down to a showing of FINDING CHEMO.

I recommend watching FINDING NEMO while eating Pepperidge Farm Goldfish!  It's like you're some giant genocidal fish eating man!  Don't miss out!

At the grocery store this evening, I was surprised to see the overwhelming amount of FINDING NEMO merchandising.  The coloring books and stickers make sense, but the FINDING NEMO maple syrup is puzzling, and I don't think the FINDING NEMO Douche will sell well, despite being aromatically accurate.

I just read about some guy that killed his parents and used his obsession with THE MATRIX RELOADED as a defense.  I wonder if any kid will off mom and dad and use FINDING NEMO as an excuse?  If he does, he should be declared "Not Guilty" for creativity alone.

All in all, hats off to PIXAR for making such a fine film! And I hope that FINDING NEMO II: WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT LITTLE GUY GO THIS TIME? is as good as the first.


We're happy to have Kirk aboard.  His reviews have appeared in Highlights for Children, The Needles Register, and message #56784 in TOTALFARK.com


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