ORBITZ: THE MOST BIZARRE DRINK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!
Long before ORBITZ was a travel company with sporty pop up ads, it was a soda the likes of which the world has never seen, and likely will ever see again.
First appearing it the early 90s and made by the company Clearly Canadian, ORBITZ amazed shoppers with its bizarre gelatinous balls just suspended in mid-juice. No matter how much you shook the bottle, the balls would just stay there and NOT sink. As a testament to their power, I recently purchased a case of these on eBay, that's at least 10 years old, and as you can see from the picture above, those balls are still doing just fine.
Yes, ORBITZ is an amazing drink to look at. Some folks have equated it to a lava lamp in a bottle. But drinking the stuff is another story all together. The best way to describe the taste is flat Sprite with globs of snot floating in it. Swallowing those blobs of goo is every bit as horrifying as you'd think it'd be.
There's a website called BEVNET that has some pretty hilarious reviews of the 5 different flavors, that were apparently still available in some areas as late as 1998.
On Vanilla Orange, they write, "One of the worst tasting beverages that we have ever had. It is really impossible to enjoy a beverage that has little balls floating in it. Orange Vanilla flavored Orbitz does not really have a defined taste. They seem to be banking on its looks to get people to buy it. Stay away from this beverage."
Regarding Raspberry Citrus, they write, "It tastes like water that came out of a vase used for flowers....the balls make it even worse."
On Blueberry Melon Strawberry, "This is the worst tasting drink with balls in it I've had since that time I was tea-bagged in college!"
Who knows what Clearly Canadian was thinking, but few people enjoyed this concoction beyond the first taste. The unopened bottles have found new life as a fun shelf ornament or fun retro-collectible. A decade later, and the balls still swirl around and float.
Its a shining example of American marketing in action. People will buy just about anything, if it looks cool enough.
I only vaguely remember how bad this stuff tasted. But how could something so magically wonderful to look at taste THAT bad? Its too bad that I only have a 10 year old bottle of the stuff, because nobody would want to drink it now.
Or would they?
I decided to use the "everything tastes good with gin" philosophy that has brought me so far in life. Sure, ORBITZ tastes sickeningly sweet and flat, even when brand new, so perhaps that life giving nectar of gin would spice it up! Ladies and gentleman, I proceeded to make perhaps the only ORBITZ MARTINI this millennium has ever seen!
After giving the martini a vigorous shake, I was impressed that the yellow blobs o' mystery goo remained intact, however the added element of the gin molecule destroyed the viscosity and they all sat at the bottom of the glass. It looked like some bizarre salmon roe martini. Needless to say, I tried a sip, and it tasted like crap.
Perhaps some fun was still to be had with the li'l balls, however. Using a tea strainer I dumped it into the glass and got them separated.
They were so beautiful, just sitting there. It was as if I was holding the essence of life itself in my palm. Each little globule was calling for me. Beckoning me to eat them. "Ro-bert....Robert eat us and you'll be KING OF THE WORLD! And you'll get more visits to your website than the GHOST IN A JAR AUCTION ON EBAY!"
I could resist no longer and I put them in my mouth. Each gelatinous blob busting in my teeth like some twisted boil full of sugary pus. Needless to say, I had to spit the entire mess out immediately.
Of course, there was only one way to wash the taste of this horrible concoction out of my mouth. And since I couldn't find any Crystal Pepsi, I settled for Old Faithful.
So I've got a 12 pack of this stuff, and I want to share the love! If you're interested in a bottle make me an offer! Cash, DVD swap, or naked pictures of your mom knitting (weird fetish of mine, sorry).
In the meantime, if you'd like a wonderful special Wallpaper Image of ORBITZ balls in my palm surrounded by harmonious nature, just click the thumbnail image above!
Here's a fun article on INCREASING THE DENSITY OF ORBITZ SODA.
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