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THE SEXIEST ALBUM COVERS OF ALL TIME
by Robert Berry
webmaster@retrocrush.com

From the moment Thomas Edison took toe-sucking photos for the cover of his first phonograph recording, erotic album covers have long played a role in the history of American culture.  As Britney Spears, Madonna, and Leo Sayer have shown, a sexy album cover can sell a ton of copies, when the material within is somewhat lackluster.  Here's a collection of The Sexiest Album Covers of All Time, or what some have called "The Sexiest Album Covers I Could Find in 15 Minutes Using xxxgaggle's Image Search."  Enjoy!

The scratch and sniff version of The Black Crowes' "Amorica" album is incredibly popular in households with cats.  And who cares what sort of music is on that cover featuring Bettie Page!  Before you get too excited by that sexy ass in The Rod Stewart photo, you should know it's really Rick Springfield.  And though the cover of the Mariah Carey album excites the hell out of me, the rainbow across her chest gives me the strange urge to listen to show tunes instead.

 

 

Pound for pound, no single group has produced as many sexy album covers as The Ohio Players.  Though the ones with the bald chick are a tiny bit creepy, you can't deny the ballsyness of a group willing to title an album "ORGASM!"  Their album "Honey" was banned by many retailers.  The front of the cover was hot enough, but the INSIDE COVER featured a nude model that looked like she came from a bumblebee bukkake party.  Rumors persist that the sticky model was actually stuck to the floor during the photo shoot.

 

I just love this cover with Robert Mitchum.  It's funny enough to imagine him singing an album of Calypso tunes, but he's just so fucking cool, sitting there with that clever look in his eyes, knowing that once he's through drinking his rum, he's gonna paint the walls with the sweat of that red dressed honey eagerly awaiting him.  What a score for The Cars to get none other than Alberto Vargas to do their cover (he did some for Bernadette Peters as well).  Donna Summer's "Love to Love You Baby" captures raw 70s sexuality incredibly well, while The Red Hot Chili Peppers help us act out our fantasies about nuzzling the breasts of an 80 foot woman on their album, "Mother's Milk."

 

Here's some nice covers that feature the best asses to appear on a record cover.  I'm particularly fond of the Carly Simon one "Playing Possum".  Those long legs and just a hint of rear end still make this one of the best looking album covers I've ever seen. 

 

Though you can't deny the sexiness of the Roxy Music album cover, I can't help but think the woman on the right might be a guy.  The Price is Right is just a bizarre novelty album that nobody's heard of, but any cover featuring a naked chick holding balloons can't be all that bad.  Jimi Hendrix's "Electric Ladyland" had a little something for everyone, while the half shirted honey on WEEN's "Chocolate and Cheese" album takes the cake!  (Get it, chocolate cake and cheese cake...ah who am I kidding, you're not even reading this, just looking at the boobies!).

 

They had to hire Nicole Eggert to pose nude on their album cover, cause listening to Sugar Ray is enough to make the most Viagra injected dick go flaccid, so you need all the help you can get.  Herb Alpert's "Whipped Cream And Other Delights" is considered by many to be the sexiest album cover of all time, but when you realize the model is actually covered in that white stuff that gets stuck in the deep part of your throat, it kind of kills the fantasy.  I spent hours looking at this Cher album cover, while you can't deny that Hall and Oates "H20" is sexuality personified.  There's also no better way to get your lady than to play that album.  Once "Maneater" and "Family Man" start booming on the stereo, you're gonna get laid like there's no tomorrow, pal!

 



 


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