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ENTERTAINMENT WEAKLY
RIAA SUES GOD FOR COPYRIGHT VIOLATION

The RIAA has shocked the legal world in continuing their quest to eliminate free music sharing by filing a copyright infringement suit against God.  Mitch Bainwol, who was recently appointed President of the RIAA said, "Our efforts going after college students and the small time music sharing community have been largely fruitless, so we decided to go after the big guy.  Let's face it, when God created man, he put forth the most advanced peer to peer file sharing service the world has ever seen."  God was unavailable for comment but sources close to the creator would not rule out a countersuit, or plague of locusts.  In related news, 80s Christian rockers Stryper, were awarded 46 cents in damages because a Pittsburgh teen accidentally downloaded one of their songs when looking for pictures of strippers.

Strategists behind Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign for Governor are worried that the actor's frequent use of movie quotes in speeches is going to create a drought of catch phrases before the actual election date comes up.  Advisor Conrad Hummel said, "He's using stuff from The Terminator, Total Recall, Predator, and Commando so frequently that he's running out of new things to say."  Hummel fears at this rate he'll be down to a few lines from Jingle All The Way and Red Sonja before September is through.

Meanwhile, fellow California Governor candidate Gary Coleman doesn't regret paying the $3500 fee to run for the state's top spot stating that his brief physical contact with a female who put his makeup on before appearing on the Today show to be worth at least twice that.  Coleman has referred to Sacramento as "the armpit of California" and has said that if he actually wins, he'll merely move back in with Mr. Drummond.

Larry Flynt confused reporters when asked about his own Governor campaign platform when he merely gurgled and stressed that Boba Fett will bring Han Solo to him soon.

Just days after Spike Lee's trademark violation suit against SPIKE TV was dropped, a federal judge tossed out Fran Drescher's suit against THE CUNT NETWORK.

Jeremy Sumpter is shown in a scene from the upcoming live action Peter Fan film, which is the first direct adaptation of JM Barrie's classic book since the silent film era.  The Who's lead guitarist Pete Townshend attended a private screening and said, "This may very well be the best movie I've ever seen in my whole life!  Well for research purposes, at least!"

MTV is canceling Snoop Dogg's TV show Doggyfizzle Televizzle.  When asked why, MTV President Martha Blackwood cited "sizzagging rizzatings" and "biyatchy prizoblemz with the hizzoes on the shizzoe!"  Snoop is unfazed and plans to release his own line of Girls Gone Wild type specials, just as soon as he can figure out the correct ghetto way to pronounce "jism".

(insert Lara Flynn Boyle or Calista Flockhart caption for comedy gold!)

Christina Aguilera announced that her current concert tour will now be sponsored by Duncan Hines and has changed her nickname from "X-Tina" to "XXL-Tina".

 

click each picture for the larger version, if you dare!

And not to be out-trashed, Canadian harpy Avril Lavigne stunned viewers by showing off her stark-white ass with "MM VA" scrawled across the cheeks.  Though many figured the letters were just a nod to the Much Music Video Awards she was appearing on, sources close to the star admit it stood for "Munch My Varicose Ass".

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