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A LOOK INSIDE WONDER BREAD

Next to the TV Dinner, perhaps no other food has achieved the pop culture status of Wonder Bread.  A part of American culture since 1921, this bizarre lily white flavorless dough has been a staple of trailer cuisine ever since.  By patenting a special revolutionary baking method to "eliminate unsightly holes" that other breads could get, causing tragic jelly-leakage, Wonder Bread carved itself a niche.  One might think this revolutionary method involves the use of sawdust in some capacity after taking a taste, however.

One of the unique things about Wonder Bread is that you can take a slice and smash it into a tiny ball.  It's as if the stuff is 80% air.  Of course a look at the nutritional information will tell you that.  The bread, which used to have the slogan, "Builds Your Body in 8 Different Ways" is quite void of any worthwhile nutrition.  The bags have a blurb exclaiming, "200% More Calcium", but glance on the nutritional label reveals that amounts to 6% of the US Recommended Daily Allowance of the stuff. 

I was more impressed with the ingredient "Dough Conditioners" (pictured above) which consists of things like Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate.  I was very shocked to read THIS MEDICAL REPORT which shows startling side effects from the substance.  Needless to say, Wonder Bread is pretty damn squishy.  But exactly how squishy is it?  Inspired by the many time wasting "How Much Is Inside?" experiments at cockeyed.com, I decided to find out for myself.

In a pound and a half loaf of Wonder Bread, there are 26 slices.  That's enough for 13 Spam and Miracle Whip sandwiches, which is a common Thanksgiving feast in West Virginia.

 

As you can see, after a few minutes of smashing the slices together, the bread can easily be squished into a softball sized glob.  The weird thing is, even though the size of the bread is now only about 20% of its original state, the bread still weighs the same pound and a half as before.  This might be due to additional qualities of the dough conditioners that modern science is unable to understand as of yet.

I love the packaging of Wonder Bread, though.  Those happy red, blue, and yellow spots just make me feel warm and accepted, as if nobody else in the world will make fun of me anymore.  I mean, it's not my fault if people think I'm creepy or stupid.  I'm only trying to work an honest day, and I want an honest deal.  Wonder Bread may be the key to world peace.  I keep calling The White House and trying to tell them, but the only good it's done is get me visits from asshole FBI agents who think I'm some sort of nuisance.

  

I've got some ultra high resolution pictures of Wonder Bread you can view by clicking the thumbnails above.  Maybe if you make them the backgrounds of your computer wallpapers, or print them and give them to mean people, the world could be a better place.

-Robert
webmaster@retrocrush.com


FOLLOW UP NOTE:  What's really interesting is though Wonder Bread has a bad rep as being "crap" bread that parents don't want to give their kids, in reality it's no less healthy than the multi-grain whole wheat breads.  I made a trip to the Sacramento Natural Foods Co-op, and after dodging several hippies spraying patchouli oil at me, I looked in their bread section.  Even the most "healthy" of the breads are devoid of any major vitamins or substances that your body truly needs to function.  Aside from tasting good and filling you up, bread doesn't serve much of a purpose at all, except maybe for squishing together and sculpting a bread love slave out of.

 

 


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