not since Yahoo Serious has such a hideous creature from
Australia cursed the screen. It's great to see that
we've gone past the "Rapping Old People" cliché to the
"Rapping Kangaroo" one.
||BOBBY BROWN and WHITNEY HOUSTON
crack heads make Sid and Nancy look like Donny and Marie.
Whitney hasn't had a hit since the 80s. Suddenly that
sequel to The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner actually seems like
a GOOD career move
||FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY
Why this "film"
didn't go direct to video was mind-boggling. You could
have got Haim and Feldman to star in "From Cory to Cory" and
made more money than this crap-fest.
||THE DAVINCI CODE
read secret hidden writings in Leonardo's artwork backwards, it
says, "Shit, dude, my paintings were meant to be looked at,
not analyzed for prophecy like I'm so two-bit Nostradamus!"
Rumor has it Thomas "Painter of Light" Kincade has secret
messages in his work, too, that say "You paid $5,000 for
a lousy print of my crappy hacked out hotel artwork!"
Give up the "hardcore"
act, already. I don't know what's worse, the fact that
she's too stupid to spell April Levine correctly, or that I
used this lame joke 2 years in a row.
This obnoxious bayou
hack is a disgrace to Cajuns everywhere. I wish a Voodoo
Priest would make a Justin Wilson zombie that eats Emeril's
brains live on the air. BAM!
How bad is that to know you spent your final moments on earth
burning to death while listening to a drunken version of "Once Bitten, Twice Shy?"
That's only slightly better than surviving through a Clay
||LISA MARIE PRESLEY
She triied to release a
sultry rock album, but didn't remain in sexual fantasies
for very long, once you thought about the fact that she used
to have sex with Michael Jackson!
||BAD BOYS 2 I don't know what's more
pathetic, that this film even came out, or that I saw sold-out
displays for the DVD when it was released. Look for
Martin Lawrence to release RUNTELDATAGAIN and Wil Smith to be
featured in THE WILDER WILDER WEST at this rate.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER I'll admit, as a Californian and
Sacramento resident, it's pretty damn cool to have Arnold as
our Governor, and he's done a good job so far, but damn if his
excessive use of catch phrases isn't annoying as hell.
How bad is it when he's actually resorted to mentioning "Red
Sonja" in his speeches?
||DVD REGION ENCODING What kind of
backward world do we live in where Americans can't buy a DVD
from England, but Robbie Williams records are still legal to
||JERMAINE JACKSON His pathetic defense
of his brother to get free publicity on The Larry King show
and others was sickening, considering he's been bashing
Michael's success in the past. I guess it's hard to make
a music comeback, when you were never there in the first
||THE OAKLAND RAIDERS from Superbowl to
Supersuck in just 1 year. It's bad enough that they have
the stupidest, most Neanderthal fans in all of sports, but
there were weeks where John Madden and Al Michaels could have
racked up more yards than this pathetic outfit.
||DUMB AND DUMBERER certainly the most
unnecessary release of the year. How could you make a
sequel to Dumb and Dumber without the two stars? That's
like going to see Creedence Clearwater Revisited at the county
||I REMEMBER THE 80S on VH1 Yeah, I do,
too. But somehow I don't remember them being an annoying
rapid fire bunch of anecdotes from shitty celebs that had
nothing to do with the subject matter they're talking about!
I'm so glad we get to see the lead singer from Sugar Ray
grunt, "Rubik's Cubes were cool" repeatedly. When are
folks on TV going to realize that nostalgia based
entertainment is for morons? Oh, wait...
||ANNE RICE surprised fans by releasing,
get this, another vampire book! You know she was pissed
when goths decided they'd rather play outside and get some sun
than read her latest vampiric pap-smear.
||NEW $20 BILLS only in America would we spend
$80 Million to promote a new currency that will prevent $5
million in counterfeiting. If they really cared, they'd
make 20s with anti-bacterial coating so you'd have more
confidence using them in strip-clubs.
||JEWEL sells out her loyal fan base by becoming
a plastic pop diva. At this rate, She'll be making out with Liz Phair
at the Grammy's in no time. Hmm...that also
might take her off this list. Do what you must, Jewel!
||CRANK YANKERS The only thing worse than a show
about annoying unfunny crank calls is one with puppets in it.
Puppets never make anything better, 'cept maybe midget porn.
The 18 layers of security tape on
new DVDs not only keep people from stealing them, but ever
watching them once you get 'em home!
||FRASIER This show's been on for 4 years too
long! They should have made the last season with Frasier
in jail. Maybe then his cell mate could tell him what to
do with tossed salad and scrambled eggs.
||MARTIN SHORT His Jimminy Glick show is like
some even unfunnier Mike Myers. I was trying to remember
when he used to be funny, but don't think he ever was.
||US PRESS ON THE WAR The shameless promotion
of the Iraq skirmishes was more like coverage of the NBA playoffs
than serious coverage. Nice how we can be so upset that
Iraqis showed off our dead and tortured soldiers on TV, while
we practically give the bloated corpses of Saddam's sons their
own reality show.
||NASCAR You know the
terrorists could scare a lot of people, and start increasing
the overall IQ of America by attacking NASCAR events.
That way, everyone wins (except that SKOAL revenue would
||ANNA NICOLE SMITH If I wanted to watch an
overweight lady fart, burp, and ramble incoherently, I'd go
back to my secret peephole I drilled in the Lane Bryant
CELINE DION Who's the brainiac at Chrysler that thought
showing this skeletal Canadian harpy behind the wheel of their
vehicles would improve sales? Unless they run a
promotion where you can beat her 80 times with a barbed wire
covered 2x4 with each purchase, it's just not gonna work.
||MONA LISA SMILE I can just see the pitch
meeting for this piece of crap, "Let's take THE DEAD POETS
SOCIETY, put a bunch of women in it, and make it really really
||JAY-Z He's wildly successfu, puts some
funky beats together, and largely stays out of trouble.
OK...I'm just jealous cause he stole Beyonce Knowles from me.
I'll get you Jay-Z!
||MICHAEL EISNER This guy is
driving the once great Disney into the ground with his
boneheaded decisions. Even Roy Disney took shots at him
on his way out. How the hell do you make a movie like
Pirates of the Caribbean, and not even have the common sense
to make action figures to go with it?
||WYNONA JUDD Apparently unhappy
with Anna Nicole Smith getting all the overweight drunken
maniac press, Ms. Judd created a new form of birth control
when she posed for
THIS MUGSHOT after a drunk driving arrest.
||WEST COAST CHOPPERS For some
reason, guys who can barely change their car's wiper blades,
fancy themselves as wanna be motorcycle craftsmen. Neo
Nazis across the world rejoice as the T-shirt logo looks like
an abandoned White Power symbol.
||I'M LOVIN' IT McDonald's most
pathetic attempt to maintain their urban demographic since the McAfro Meal. Just because those deep fried bags of
grease called McNuggets have "all white meat" in them
make them stop being deep fried bags of grease.
||MY BIG FAT GREEK LIFE Hey, you
kind of liked the movie, now suffer through a crappy cliché'
filled half hour of cultural waste. In just one year,
Nia Zardalos has made America hate Greeks in just a third of
the time it took Yahkov Smirnov hate his countrymen.
||COURTNEY LOVE Why she's allowed
to walk the earth and raise children while good men like
Johnny Cash disappear is proof that the Lord does indeed work
in mysterious ways.
||SIMON COWELL Listening to this
guy make judgments on music talent is akin to having Ben
Affleck and Matt Damon tell prospective filmmakers how to make
a good movie.
||SCIONS This new vehicle from
the folks at Toyota can be customized over a hundred different
ways, except for one that doesn't make it look like a stupid
giant shoebox on wheels.
||BARRY BONDS The debate as to
whether he is a greater player than Babe Ruth is ridiculous.
The fact that the only performance enhancing substances The
Babe ever took before a game was whiskey and pie ends that
||FOX NEWS Sued Al Franken for
making fun of them in his book's title "Lies and the Lying
Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right.",
claiming they own the term "Fair and Balanced."
Next up, their lawsuit against the corpse of Redd Foxx for
||PETE TOWNSHEND Got
busted for looking at kiddie porn, but used the "just doing
research" defense and got off with barely a slap on the wrist.
At this rate, Scott Petersen will be free on the "I was just
doing research on how quick my wife would sink" defense.
||LIMP BIZKIT Fred Durst tried to
show he's still relevant by hacking out a shit cover of The
Who's "Behind Blue Eyes". His last album was so bad,
people didn't even want to download it for free.
||SEX IN THE CITY What was once a
funny show has devolved into a whiny bitch fest without a
single redeeming or interesting character. And to think
I only felt sorry for Matthew Broderick just for making that
Inspector Gadget movie.
||"REMEMBERING LACI" People
die every day in this country, but she's somehow been turned
in to the Princess Diana of America. It's OK to grieve,
but when someone's death produces
THIS TRIBUTE SONG, we've gone too far. This has to
be the creepiest song I've ever heard, and the "We love you"
at the end sounds as if he just finished masturbating.
||THE OLSEN TWINS With all the
talk about whether or not they'll be in MAXIM or PLAYBOY after
they turn 18, these human chipmunk hybrids will be lucky to be
on the cover of Field and Stream by that time.
||TV SHOW START AND STOP TIMES
come on guys, enough with the starting a show 3 minutes early
and making it stop 5 minutes late! If I miss the last
part of Little House On The Prairie again because my TIVO shut
off, I'm gonna flip out!
||SADDAM HUSSEIN Forget
the atrocious crimes against humanity, just watching his
disgusting mouth get swabbed on the TV news was enough to give
me nightmares for life.
||FLU VACCINATIONS "If you
get just one vaccine this year, make it the flu virus!"
The media fueled hysteria to get the shot or die was
disgusting as "shortages" drove the prices up across the
country. Yeah, heaven forbid you get sick for a few days
and miss work.
||THE HAUNTED MANSION Though
Pirates of the Caribbean worked to a degree, this trend of
turning Disney rides in to movies has to stop before we see
"Monorail: The Movie."
These MP3 players from Apple have created a cult of snobbery
among the owners that borders on the nonsensical. I've
seen folks get in to heated debates as to who has the better
player. It's not like they're a riced out Honda Civic,
or something that really gets the chicks.
His scolding of US involvement in IRAQ with Saddam's tongue
plated firmly up his ass was journalism at its most shameful.
Pete's now reporting for GRIT magazine.
It's bad enough to see culture deprived white kids acting like
black rappers, but how creatively bankrupt do you need to be
to start acting like Michael Jackson? I suppose if
that's what it takes to get Britney Spears and Cameron Diaz in
bed, then more power to you.
||DODGE RAM COMMERCIALS
These ads were easily the most annoying of the year. It
sounds like some guy taking a crap grunting out "HIT IT" with
that lame guitar riff droning in the background. By the
way, "Hemi" is Latin for "peckerhead"!
These guys gave us The Statue of Liberty, and we thank them by
renaming their French Fries? As far as I'm concerned,
any country that gave us Brigitte Bardot, Emanuelle Beart, and
Catherine Deneuve gets a free ride for life, even if they also
gave us Gerard Depardieu.
Who would have thought it possible to find a blonde that was
more stupid that Anna Nicole Smith?
||POLYPHONIC RING TONES
If I'm at the grocery store and hear a cell phone ring with
"Hey Ya" one more time, I'm gonna flip out and scream.
The only thing worse than these loud obnoxious cell phone
tunes, are the assholes that walk around screaming in to their
earpieces as if they're the only people in the room. And
while I'm at it, is it really THAT important to bring your
cell phone to the video store and read off every fucking movie
on their shelf to your husband? Just pull the trigger
and bring home your 5 day rental of "Daddy Day Care", Sally!
||INSANE CLOWN POSSE
Quite possibly the most retarded and creatively bankrupt music
act ever created. And don't get me started on their
fans, called Juggalos, who are so devoid of intelligence, they
make Oakland Raider fans look like a Steven Hawking Clone
It was really neat to see a movie with
HULK jumping around and beating up tanks. Could they
have tried a bit harder and got a villain a bit more menacing
than...Nick Nolte? What's wrong, was Brian Dennehey busy?
Court testimony in her battle with the thankfully canceled
Rosie magazine revealed she told an associate that people who
lie get cancer. Meanwhile, Rosie tried to rebuild her
tarnished image by announcing plans for a "Family Oriented
All-Lesbian Cruise". Yippeee! 5 days on the high
seas watching old "Kate and Allie" reruns!
Good lord, she's STILL name dropping Aaliyah on awards
shows. Hats off to the lady for dropping nearly 300
pounds within a year just from "working out". Now if she
could only sue that orthodontist that gave her donkey teeth
implants, she'd be ready to rock.
Watching this black eyed green skin zombie eat pickles on that
famous videotape was about as erotic as that Richard
Simmons/Jm. J Bullock sex tape I bought last year (for
||EXCESSIVE FACIAL PIERCINGS
A can take a nose ring or tongue ring on the right person, but
what's up with these people who have so much jewelry on their
face that they look like they fell into a damn tackle box?
Couple this with the excessive tattooing and it's clear that
we're going to have the ugliest crop of old people in 40 years
that the world has ever seen.
||THE DEATH OF JOHN RITTER
Apparently God needs to clean the filter on his fax machine,
cause I clearly requested that he do something about Joyce
Since when is sitting in a box for a month magic, anyway?
I think it's time for a Pay Per View featuring Penn and Teller
vs. Blaine with chainsaws.
Perhaps the most annoying politician in recent history.
Oblivious to the sinking ship state his governorship was
facing in California, he seemed to have no idea that Arnold
could beat him. And way to impress the largely immigrant
population of our state by making fun of Arnold's accent and
saying, "If you can't pronounce 'California', you shouldn't be
allowed to be Governor." That's only slightly better
than his original "I hate Mexicans" campaign slogan.
||THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS
Somehow Johnny Cash, nominated for 13 different awards for his
wonderful video "Hurt" loses all to...JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?
All on the even before he dies. Way to honor a legend
there, MTV! Of course, the last time they actually
played a video, I was still having fantasies about a 3 way
with Martha Quinn and Nina Blackwood, so who the hell are they
to honor the industry, anyway?
Her "Milkshake" song easily gets the worst song of the year
honors. The video, which is like some sort of ghetto
bukkake video set in a greasy spoon diner was nice to look at
with the sound turned off, at least. She's set grammar
back 2 years with her pronoun challenged lyrics, however.
THE DAILY STAR UK tabloid runs a story on The World's
Worst Sex Scenes, just a month after we ran it. Oh yeah,
and they used 3 of the exact quotes I wrote. Oh yeah,
and they forgot to NOT include our joke inclusion of
Deliverance. Oh yeah...and the news editor Keiran
Saunders told me you can't copyright anything on the internet.
But I'm not bitter...
With all the movies based on SNL characters, Jimmy's bound to
get one soon called "Adventures of The Guy Who Can't Go A
Whole Skit Without Laughing Like a Dumbass and Screwing It
Seeing this couple everywhere from their shitty movie, to the
nonstop tabloid coverage of the off and on again relationship
was the media equivalent of watching paint dry.
Something tells me if Dean were to get elected, it'd be just
like having that mean principal from The Breakfast Club as our
President. You know you suck when Al Sharpton makes you
look bad in a debate.
It's official, there's now more AOL CDs on this earth than
there are stars in the sky.
THE MATRIX SEQUELS Well, the good thing about parts 2 and
3 coming out together was that it didn't prolong the agony.
Watching Keanu and Otis in bed was difficult for most to see,
as the lookalike duo made it hard to tell who's ass to get
RETROCRUSH POPUP ADS I'll put this here just to save you
||CHICAGO CUBS FANS
The blame poor Steve Batman for screwing up their team's
chances of going to The World Series, but conveniently ignore
the fact that their team choked worse than Mama Cass.
Tried to use his Oscar victory to deliver an anti-Bush rant,
and ended up coming across like a total idiot. Look for
his next documentary about how hard it is to find size 58
underwear next year to stir up even more controversy.
Short of deleting every message in my inbox, I can't think of
any way I can completely eliminate spam completely. I
remember the days when getting too much stuff from Publisher's
Clearing House was considered to be annoying. Ed
McMahon...why has thou forsaken me?
||THE CAT IN THE HAT
MOVIE Dr. Seuss's widow started whoring out his estate
before the great author's body was even cold. This Mike
Myers fiasco was one of the year's worst movies. Look
for "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish: The Movie" to be
released at this rate (Though rumors that Michael Jackson has
bought the rights to "Hop on Pop" are completely unfounded).
Something's just not right about this guy. No, I'm not
talking about the fact that he's such a puss he claims Liza
Minelli beat him up, but his crazy rubbery complexion makes
you think that at any moment, he's going to rip off a mask and
show all that he's really from The Forbidden Zone.
All the bad decorating we make fun of here on retroCRUSH comes
to full swing on this show. I just don't get the appeal
of this show where pretentious interior decorators staple
thrift store crap to walls and pass it off as cutting edge.
And how pathetic are you to know enough about this show to buy
The Trading Spaces Trivia Book?
After eating Roy Horn's head, and attacking that guy in New
York who kept one in his apartment, clearly these animals are
plotting against all mankind. It's only a matter of time
before Tony The Tiger goes ape shit and chews Snap, Crackle,
and Pop to bits.
What the hell happened to good ol' Dennis Miller? One of
the smartest, coolest comedians of them all has turned in to
the official fluffer for the Republican party. Even the
seven people that will watch his new show on CNBC think he's a
How bad is it when Wrestlemania has more integrity than a
boxing Pay Per View. With new allegations of fight
fixing surfacing even as we publish this, it's a sad day for
the once great sport, indeed. No wonder George Foreman
has put all of his energy into grills.
Who told this cackling Greek banshee that anyone cared what
she had to say? The California Governor's race was a
circus enough without this clown wasting everyone's time in
the debates. She has single-handedly set independent
candidates back 100 years.
Easily the dumbest guy to ever appear on television (and that
even counts folks on the WB network). And thumbs down
for Fox for yanking the entire country, by promising his "big
decision", and just filling the entire episode with flashbacks
and delaying it for a week.
I think the cork in Sammy Sosa's bat deserves to be in The
Baseball Hall of Fame before Pete does. His timing to
finally come clean, with a $25 book that debuted on the top of
the bestseller list was conspicuous at best. Oh yeah,
and his haircut sucks.
||OSAMA BIN LADEN
Whoever's directing this guy's videos has to go. That
whole talking in a cave or on a rocky mountainside
schtick is so 2001.
Who wouldn't pay $50 just to watch Bruce Willis beat the shit
out of this guy?
It's kind of like being gay, only without the sex part.
Sounds like my friend Randy's stint in high school! Look
for BUTCHUALITY for women that want to get in touch with the
flannel lesbian side to be the craze of 2004, and NECROALITY,
for goth kids that want the fashion of necrophilia without the
trouble of actually fucking dead people.
He draws a map in the sand, on live TV, showing where the
troops he's staying with are. Let me repeat that
again...HE DRAWS A MAP, IN THE SAND,
ON LIVE TV, SHOWING WHERE THE TROOPS HE'S STAYING WITH ARE!!!
Looks like it's another trip to Al Capone's Vault for Gerry!
Neither good, or Charlotte. Annoying to look at,
annoying to listen to, this shit-laced hybrid of The Cure,
Quiet Riot, and Air Supply make being a goth even more
ridiculous than it already is. Hats off to Chris Rock
for dissing them after their performance on the MTV Video
Music Awards with, "Good Charlotte? Nah...more like
Mediocre Green Day!"
Watching him unravel on his live TV show by calling a crank
caller a "sodomite" and telling him to "get AIDS and die!" was
one of the high points of the year for me. He went on to
blame the liberal media for his ouster.
It's as if science took Art Garfunkel and made him even
more sanitary. Please, Clay, for the love of God, eat a
She is beautiful, no matter what you say! Y'know,
somewhere under that 90 pound spackling of Revlon products
that time forgot, that may be true, but I can't see it.
It's sad that of all the young pop divas, she actually has the
best voice, yet she's the worst offender for using sex above
Who would have thought the "Hit Me Baby One More Time" era of
her music would be considered good, in comparison? She's
alienated her younger fans by becoming too slutty, and she
sucks too much for adults to like her, making 13 year old boys
the only ones even interested in her. Thank god for the
mute button on the remote control.
After failed movies, fake British accents, lame GAP
commercials with Missy Elliot, and crappy children's books,
Madonna had to resort to the time tested Lesbian Britney Kiss
to get attention. Watch Madonna make out with the corpse
of Aaliyah at this year's awards to keep the shock value
Just when you thought stickers of Calvin peeing on Ford logos
was the stupidest thing you could put on a car...along come
these idiotic pleas for attention. See...when you stop
your car, these hubcaps keep spinning! It makes people
next to you say, "Holy shit...he's stopped, but his wheels
keep spinning...what gives?" Actually, they only say
that once, each additional time they see it, they say,
"Hey...that guy has no dick!"
From his lame confessional press conference, to the sleazy
antics of his lawyers, Kobe Bryant has become one of the most
despicable sports figures in the world. Nutella and
McDonald's dropped him as a spokesperson, but of course, the
NBA has done little else but look the other way. Oh
yeah, GO KINGS!
He wrote a book on how to lose weight? HE WROTE A BOOK
ON HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT! HE WROTE A BOOK ON HOW TO LOSE
WEIGHT! I'm looking forward to his hair care products
that are coming out later this year.
Perhaps no group in history damaged their appeal to the masses
than the Record Industry Association of America. After
suing old ladies and dead men to stem the tide of illegal song
trading, they failed to realize the root cause of the problem.
People don't want to pay $18 for crappy CDs with one good song
I'll forgive the guy for his pill problems, hell who doesn't
have their maid buy illegal pain killers for them? But
his comments on ESPN about Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb
deserved far more of a backlash than they got. Funny how
a guy who thinks the liberal media controls everything gets
such a nice break from them and doesn't lose his talk show.
His annoyingness achieved heights one would never dream of.
From dangling his baby off a balcony, to scaring reporters
with his weird new whisker look, to claiming Sony was using
racism to discriminate against him, to his final crash and
burn with new child molestation charges, he's worn out his
welcome on the planet. How bad is it when you have to
get Uri Geller to speak up for you in the press? Hell,
if a guy who can bend spoons with his mind thinks he's
innocent, maybe he is!