THE 100 MOST
ANNOYING
THINGS OF 2003

Well here we are with another annual look at the most annoying things of the previous year.  There was certainly some stiff competition this year, but we made it through (albeit a bit late).  So without further adieu...here's the list!

100 KANGAROO JACK not since Yahoo Serious has such a hideous creature from Australia cursed the screen.  It's great to see that we've gone past the "Rapping Old People" cliché to the "Rapping Kangaroo" one.
99 BOBBY BROWN and WHITNEY HOUSTON These crack heads make Sid and Nancy look like Donny and Marie.  Whitney hasn't had a hit since the 80s.  Suddenly that sequel to The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner actually seems like a GOOD career move
98 FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY Why this "film" didn't go direct to video was mind-boggling.  You could have got Haim and Feldman to star in "From Cory to Cory" and made more money than this crap-fest.
97 THE DAVINCI CODE If you read secret hidden writings in Leonardo's artwork backwards, it says, "Shit, dude, my paintings were meant to be looked at, not analyzed for prophecy like I'm so two-bit Nostradamus!"  Rumor has it Thomas "Painter of Light" Kincade has secret messages in his work, too, that say "You paid $5,000 for a lousy print of my crappy hacked out hotel artwork!"
96 AVRIL LAVIGNE Give up the "hardcore" act, already.  I don't know what's worse, the fact that she's too stupid to spell April Levine correctly, or that I used this lame joke 2 years in a row.
95 EMERIL LAGASSE This obnoxious bayou hack is a disgrace to Cajuns everywhere.  I wish a Voodoo Priest would make a Justin Wilson zombie that eats Emeril's brains live on the air.  BAM!
94 GREAT WHITE How bad is that to know you spent your final moments on earth burning to death while listening to a drunken version of "Once Bitten, Twice Shy?"  That's only slightly better than surviving through a Clay Aiken performance.
93 LISA MARIE PRESLEY She triied to release a sultry rock album, but didn't remain in sexual fantasies for very long, once you thought about the fact that she used to have sex with Michael Jackson!
92 BAD BOYS 2 I don't know what's more pathetic, that this film even came out, or that I saw sold-out displays for the DVD when it was released.  Look for Martin Lawrence to release RUNTELDATAGAIN and Wil Smith to be featured in THE WILDER WILDER WEST at this rate.
91 ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER I'll admit, as a Californian and Sacramento resident, it's pretty damn cool to have Arnold as our Governor, and he's done a good job so far, but damn if his excessive use of catch phrases isn't annoying as hell.  How bad is it when he's actually resorted to mentioning "Red Sonja" in his speeches?
90 DVD REGION ENCODING What kind of backward world do we live in where Americans can't buy a DVD from England, but Robbie Williams records are still legal to purchase?
89 JERMAINE JACKSON His pathetic defense of his brother to get free publicity on The Larry King show and others was sickening, considering he's been bashing Michael's success in the past.  I guess it's hard to make a music comeback, when you were never there in the first place. 
88 THE OAKLAND RAIDERS from Superbowl to Supersuck in just 1 year.  It's bad enough that they have the stupidest, most Neanderthal fans in all of sports, but there were weeks where John Madden and Al Michaels could have racked up more yards than this pathetic outfit.
87 DUMB AND DUMBERER certainly the most unnecessary release of the year.  How could you make a sequel to Dumb and Dumber without the two stars?  That's like going to see Creedence Clearwater Revisited at the county fair.
86 I REMEMBER THE 80S on VH1 Yeah, I do, too.  But somehow I don't remember them being an annoying rapid fire bunch of anecdotes from shitty celebs that had nothing to do with the subject matter they're talking about!  I'm so glad we get to see the lead singer from Sugar Ray grunt, "Rubik's Cubes were cool" repeatedly.  When are folks on TV going to realize that nostalgia based entertainment is for morons?  Oh, wait...
85 ANNE RICE surprised fans by releasing, get this, another vampire book!  You know she was pissed when goths decided they'd rather play outside and get some sun than read her latest vampiric pap-smear.
84 NEW $20 BILLS only in America would we spend $80 Million to promote a new currency that will prevent $5 million in counterfeiting.  If they really cared, they'd make 20s with anti-bacterial coating so you'd have more confidence using them in strip-clubs.
83 JEWEL sells out her loyal fan base by becoming a plastic pop diva.  At this rate, She'll be making out with Liz Phair at the Grammy's in no time.  Hmm...that also might take her off this list.  Do what you must, Jewel!
82 CRANK YANKERS The only thing worse than a show about annoying unfunny crank calls is one with puppets in it.  Puppets never make anything better, 'cept maybe midget porn.
81 DVD CASES The 18 layers of security tape on new DVDs not only keep people from stealing them, but ever watching them once you get 'em home!
80 FRASIER This show's been on for 4 years too long!  They should have made the last season with Frasier in jail.  Maybe then his cell mate could tell him what to do with tossed salad and scrambled eggs.
79 MARTIN SHORT His Jimminy Glick show is like some even unfunnier Mike Myers.  I was trying to remember when he used to be funny, but don't think he ever was.
78 US PRESS ON THE WAR The shameless promotion of the Iraq skirmishes was more like coverage of the NBA playoffs than serious coverage.  Nice how we can be so upset that Iraqis showed off our dead and tortured soldiers on TV, while we practically give the bloated corpses of Saddam's sons their own reality show.
77 NASCAR You know the terrorists could scare a lot of people, and start increasing the overall IQ of America by attacking NASCAR events.  That way, everyone wins (except that SKOAL revenue would decrease dramatically).
76 ANNA NICOLE SMITH If I wanted to watch an overweight lady fart, burp, and ramble incoherently, I'd go back to my secret peephole I drilled in the Lane Bryant dressing rooms.
75 CELINE DION Who's the brainiac at Chrysler that thought showing this skeletal Canadian harpy behind the wheel of their vehicles would improve sales?  Unless they run a promotion where you can beat her 80 times with a barbed wire covered 2x4 with each purchase, it's just not gonna work.
74 MONA LISA SMILE I can just see the pitch meeting for this piece of crap, "Let's take THE DEAD POETS SOCIETY, put a bunch of women in it, and make it really really really suck."
73 JAY-Z He's wildly successfu, puts some funky beats together, and largely stays out of trouble.  OK...I'm just jealous cause he stole Beyonce Knowles from me.  I'll get you Jay-Z!
72 MICHAEL EISNER This guy is driving the once great Disney into the ground with his boneheaded decisions.  Even Roy Disney took shots at him on his way out.  How the hell do you make a movie like Pirates of the Caribbean, and not even have the common sense to make action figures to go with it? 
71 WYNONA JUDD Apparently unhappy with Anna Nicole Smith getting all the overweight drunken maniac press, Ms. Judd created a new form of birth control when she posed for THIS MUGSHOT after a drunk driving arrest.
70 WEST COAST CHOPPERS For some reason, guys who can barely change their car's wiper blades, fancy themselves as wanna be motorcycle craftsmen.  Neo Nazis across the world rejoice as the T-shirt logo looks like an abandoned White Power symbol.
69 I'M LOVIN' IT McDonald's most pathetic attempt to maintain their urban demographic since the McAfro Meal.  Just because those deep fried bags of grease called McNuggets have "all white meat" in them now, doesn't make them stop being deep fried bags of grease.
68 MY BIG FAT GREEK LIFE Hey, you kind of liked the movie, now suffer through a crappy cliché' filled half hour of cultural waste.  In just one year, Nia Zardalos has made America hate Greeks in just a third of the time it took Yahkov Smirnov hate his countrymen.
67 COURTNEY LOVE Why she's allowed to walk the earth and raise children while good men like Johnny Cash disappear is proof that the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways.
66 SIMON COWELL Listening to this guy make judgments on music talent is akin to having Ben Affleck and Matt Damon tell prospective filmmakers how to make a good movie.
65 SCIONS This new vehicle from the folks at Toyota can be customized over a hundred different ways, except for one that doesn't make it look like a stupid giant shoebox on wheels.
64 BARRY BONDS The debate as to whether he is a greater player than Babe Ruth is ridiculous.  The fact that the only performance enhancing substances The Babe ever took before a game was whiskey and pie ends that argument, pronto. 
63 FOX NEWS Sued Al Franken for making fun of them in his book's title "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right.", claiming they own the term "Fair and Balanced."  Next up, their lawsuit against the corpse of Redd Foxx for trademark infringement.
62 PETE TOWNSHEND Got busted for looking at kiddie porn, but used the "just doing research" defense and got off with barely a slap on the wrist.  At this rate, Scott Petersen will be free on the "I was just doing research on how quick my wife would sink" defense.
61 LIMP BIZKIT Fred Durst tried to show he's still relevant by hacking out a shit cover of The Who's "Behind Blue Eyes".  His last album was so bad, people didn't even want to download it for free. 
60 SEX IN THE CITY What was once a funny show has devolved into a whiny bitch fest without a single redeeming or interesting character.  And to think I only felt sorry for Matthew Broderick just for making that Inspector Gadget movie.
59 "REMEMBERING LACI"  People die every day in this country, but she's somehow been turned in to the Princess Diana of America.  It's OK to grieve, but when someone's death produces THIS TRIBUTE SONG, we've gone too far.  This has to be the creepiest song I've ever heard, and the "We love you" at the end sounds as if he just finished masturbating.
58 THE OLSEN TWINS With all the talk about whether or not they'll be in MAXIM or PLAYBOY after they turn 18, these human chipmunk hybrids will be lucky to be on the cover of Field and Stream by that time.
57 TV SHOW START AND STOP TIMES come on guys, enough with the starting a show 3 minutes early and making it stop 5 minutes late!  If I miss the last part of Little House On The Prairie again because my TIVO shut off, I'm gonna flip out!
56 SADDAM HUSSEIN Forget the atrocious crimes against humanity, just watching his disgusting mouth get swabbed on the TV news was enough to give me nightmares for life.
55 FLU VACCINATIONS "If you get just one vaccine this year, make it the flu virus!"  The media fueled hysteria to get the shot or die was disgusting as "shortages" drove the prices up across the country.  Yeah, heaven forbid you get sick for a few days and miss work.
54 THE HAUNTED MANSION Though Pirates of the Caribbean worked to a degree, this trend of turning Disney rides in to movies has to stop before we see "Monorail: The Movie."
53 IPODS These MP3 players from Apple have created a cult of snobbery among the owners that borders on the nonsensical.  I've seen folks get in to heated debates as to who has the better player.  It's not like they're a riced out Honda Civic, or something that really gets the chicks.
52 PETER ARNETT His scolding of US involvement in IRAQ with Saddam's tongue plated firmly up his ass was journalism at its most shameful.  Pete's now reporting for GRIT magazine.
51 JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE It's bad enough to see culture deprived white kids acting like black rappers, but how creatively bankrupt do you need to be to start acting like Michael Jackson?  I suppose if that's what it takes to get Britney Spears and Cameron Diaz in bed, then more power to you.
50 DODGE RAM COMMERCIALS These ads were easily the most annoying of the year.  It sounds like some guy taking a crap grunting out "HIT IT" with that lame guitar riff droning in the background.  By the way, "Hemi" is Latin for "peckerhead"! 
49 FRANCE HATRED These guys gave us The Statue of Liberty, and we thank them by renaming their French Fries?  As far as I'm concerned, any country that gave us Brigitte Bardot, Emanuelle Beart, and Catherine Deneuve gets a free ride for life, even if they also gave us Gerard Depardieu.
48 JESSICA SIMPSON Who would have thought it possible to find a blonde that was more stupid that Anna Nicole Smith? 
47 POLYPHONIC RING TONES If I'm at the grocery store and hear a cell phone ring with "Hey Ya" one more time, I'm gonna flip out and scream.  The only thing worse than these loud obnoxious cell phone tunes, are the assholes that walk around screaming in to their earpieces as if they're the only people in the room.  And while I'm at it, is it really THAT important to bring your cell phone to the video store and read off every fucking movie on their shelf to your husband?  Just pull the trigger and bring home your 5 day rental of "Daddy Day Care", Sally! 
46 INSANE CLOWN POSSE Quite possibly the most retarded and creatively bankrupt music act ever created.  And don't get me started on their fans, called Juggalos, who are so devoid of intelligence, they make Oakland Raider fans look like a Steven Hawking Clone Army! 
45 THE HULK It was really neat to see a movie with SHREK HULK jumping around and beating up tanks.  Could they have tried a bit harder and got a villain a bit more menacing than...Nick Nolte?  What's wrong, was Brian Dennehey busy?
44 ROSIE O'DONNELL Court testimony in her battle with the thankfully canceled Rosie magazine revealed she told an associate that people who lie get cancer.  Meanwhile, Rosie tried to rebuild her tarnished image by announcing plans for a "Family Oriented All-Lesbian Cruise".  Yippeee!  5 days on the high seas watching old "Kate and Allie" reruns!
43 MISSY ELLIOT Good lord, she's STILL name dropping Aaliyah on awards shows.  Hats off to the lady for dropping nearly 300 pounds within a year just from "working out".  Now if she could only sue that orthodontist that gave her donkey teeth implants, she'd be ready to rock.
42 PARIS HILTON Watching this black eyed green skin zombie eat pickles on that famous videotape was about as erotic as that Richard Simmons/Jm. J Bullock sex tape I bought last year (for research purposes).
41 EXCESSIVE FACIAL PIERCINGS A can take a nose ring or tongue ring on the right person, but what's up with these people who have so much jewelry on their face that they look like they fell into a damn tackle box?  Couple this with the excessive tattooing and it's clear that we're going to have the ugliest crop of old people in 40 years that the world has ever seen.
40 THE DEATH OF JOHN RITTER Apparently God needs to clean the filter on his fax machine, cause I clearly requested that he do something about Joyce DeWitt. 
39 DAVID BLAINE Since when is sitting in a box for a month magic, anyway?  I think it's time for a Pay Per View featuring Penn and Teller vs. Blaine with chainsaws.   
38 GRAY DAVIS Perhaps the most annoying politician in recent history.  Oblivious to the sinking ship state his governorship was facing in California, he seemed to have no idea that Arnold could beat him.  And way to impress the largely immigrant population of our state by making fun of Arnold's accent and saying, "If you can't pronounce 'California', you shouldn't be allowed to be Governor."  That's only slightly better than his original "I hate Mexicans" campaign slogan.
37 THE MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS Somehow Johnny Cash, nominated for 13 different awards for his wonderful video "Hurt" loses all to...JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE?  All on the even before he dies.  Way to honor a legend there, MTV!  Of course, the last time they actually played a video, I was still having fantasies about a 3 way with Martha Quinn and Nina Blackwood, so who the hell are they to honor the industry, anyway?
36 KELIS Her "Milkshake" song easily gets the worst song of the year honors.  The video, which is like some sort of ghetto bukkake video set in a greasy spoon diner was nice to look at with the sound turned off, at least.  She's set grammar back 2 years with her pronoun challenged lyrics, however.
35 THE DAILY STAR UK tabloid runs a story on The World's Worst Sex Scenes, just a month after we ran it.  Oh yeah, and they used 3 of the exact quotes I wrote.  Oh yeah, and they forgot to NOT include our joke inclusion of Deliverance.  Oh yeah...and the news editor Keiran Saunders told me you can't copyright anything on the internet.  But I'm not bitter...
34 JIMMY FALLON With all the movies based on SNL characters, Jimmy's bound to get one soon called "Adventures of The Guy Who Can't Go A Whole Skit Without Laughing Like a Dumbass and Screwing It Up!"
33 BENNIFER Seeing this couple everywhere from their shitty movie, to the nonstop tabloid coverage of the off and on again relationship was the media equivalent of watching paint dry. 
32 HOWARD DEAN Something tells me if Dean were to get elected, it'd be just like having that mean principal from The Breakfast Club as our President.  You know you suck when Al Sharpton makes you look bad in a debate.
31 AOL It's official, there's now more AOL CDs on this earth than there are stars in the sky.
30 THE MATRIX SEQUELS Well, the good thing about parts 2 and 3 coming out together was that it didn't prolong the agony.  Watching Keanu and Otis in bed was difficult for most to see, as the lookalike duo made it hard to tell who's ass to get excited about. 
29 RETROCRUSH POPUP ADS I'll put this here just to save you the trouble! 
28 CHICAGO CUBS FANS The blame poor Steve Batman for screwing up their team's chances of going to The World Series, but conveniently ignore the fact that their team choked worse than Mama Cass. 
27 MICHAEL MOORE Tried to use his Oscar victory to deliver an anti-Bush rant, and ended up coming across like a total idiot.  Look for his next documentary about how hard it is to find size 58 underwear next year to stir up even more controversy.
26 EMAIL SPAM Short of deleting every message in my inbox, I can't think of any way I can completely eliminate spam completely.  I remember the days when getting too much stuff from Publisher's Clearing House was considered to be annoying.  Ed McMahon...why has thou forsaken me?
25 THE CAT IN THE HAT MOVIE Dr. Seuss's widow started whoring out his estate before the great author's body was even cold.  This Mike Myers fiasco was one of the year's worst movies.  Look for "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish: The Movie" to be released at this rate (Though rumors that Michael Jackson has bought the rights to "Hop on Pop" are completely unfounded).
24 DAVID GEST Something's just not right about this guy.  No, I'm not talking about the fact that he's such a puss he claims Liza Minelli beat him up, but his crazy rubbery complexion makes you think that at any moment, he's going to rip off a mask and show all that he's really from The Forbidden Zone.
23 TRADING SPACES All the bad decorating we make fun of here on retroCRUSH comes to full swing on this show.  I just don't get the appeal of this show where pretentious interior decorators staple thrift store crap to walls and pass it off as cutting edge.  And how pathetic are you to know enough about this show to buy The Trading Spaces Trivia Book?
22 TIGERS After eating Roy Horn's head, and attacking that guy in New York who kept one in his apartment, clearly these animals are plotting against all mankind.  It's only a matter of time before Tony The Tiger goes ape shit and chews Snap, Crackle, and Pop to bits.
21 DENNIS MILLER What the hell happened to good ol' Dennis Miller?  One of the smartest, coolest comedians of them all has turned in to the official fluffer for the Republican party.  Even the seven people that will watch his new show on CNBC think he's a sellout.
20 PROFESSIONAL BOXING How bad is it when Wrestlemania has more integrity than a boxing Pay Per View.  With new allegations of fight fixing surfacing even as we publish this, it's a sad day for the once great sport, indeed.  No wonder George Foreman has put all of his energy into grills.
19 ARIANA HUFFINGTON Who told this cackling Greek banshee that anyone cared what she had to say?  The California Governor's race was a circus enough without this clown wasting everyone's time in the debates.  She has single-handedly set independent candidates back 100 years. 
18 JOE MILLIONAIRE Easily the dumbest guy to ever appear on television (and that even counts folks on the WB network).  And thumbs down for Fox for yanking the entire country, by promising his "big decision", and just filling the entire episode with flashbacks and delaying it for a week.
17 PETE ROSE I think the cork in Sammy Sosa's bat deserves to be in The Baseball Hall of Fame before Pete does.  His timing to finally come clean, with a $25 book that debuted on the top of the bestseller list was conspicuous at best.  Oh yeah, and his haircut sucks.
16 OSAMA BIN LADEN Whoever's directing this guy's videos has to go.  That whole talking in a cave or on a rocky mountainside  schtick is so 2001. 
15 ASHTON KUTCHER Who wouldn't pay $50 just to watch Bruce Willis beat the shit out of this guy?
14 METROSEXUALITY It's kind of like being gay, only without the sex part.  Sounds like my friend Randy's stint in high school!  Look for BUTCHUALITY for women that want to get in touch with the flannel lesbian side to be the craze of 2004, and NECROALITY, for goth kids that want the fashion of necrophilia without the trouble of actually fucking dead people.
13 GERALDO RIVERA He draws a map in the sand, on live TV, showing where the troops he's staying with are.  Let me repeat that again...HE DRAWS A MAP, IN THE SAND, ON LIVE TV, SHOWING WHERE THE TROOPS HE'S STAYING WITH ARE!!!  Looks like it's another trip to Al Capone's Vault for Gerry!
12 GOOD CHARLOTTE Neither good, or Charlotte.  Annoying to look at, annoying to listen to, this shit-laced hybrid of The Cure, Quiet Riot, and Air Supply make being a goth even more ridiculous than it already is.  Hats off to Chris Rock for dissing them after their performance on the MTV Video Music Awards with, "Good Charlotte?  Nah...more like Mediocre Green Day!"
11 MICHAEL SAVAGE Watching him unravel on his live TV show by calling a crank caller a "sodomite" and telling him to "get AIDS and die!" was one of the high points of the year for me.  He went on to blame the liberal media for his ouster.
10 CLAY AIKEN It's as if science took Art Garfunkel and made him even more sanitary.  Please, Clay, for the love of God, eat a cookie!
9 CHRISTINA AGUILERA She is beautiful, no matter what you say!  Y'know, somewhere under that 90 pound spackling of Revlon products that time forgot, that may be true, but I can't see it.  It's sad that of all the young pop divas, she actually has the best voice, yet she's the worst offender for using sex above substance.
8 BRITNEY SPEARS Who would have thought the "Hit Me Baby One More Time" era of her music would be considered good, in comparison?  She's alienated her younger fans by becoming too slutty, and she sucks too much for adults to like her, making 13 year old boys the only ones even interested in her.  Thank god for the mute button on the remote control.
7 MADONNA After failed movies, fake British accents, lame GAP commercials with Missy Elliot, and crappy children's books, Madonna had to resort to the time tested Lesbian Britney Kiss to get attention.  Watch Madonna make out with the corpse of Aaliyah at this year's awards to keep the shock value going.
6 SPINNING HUBCAPS Just when you thought stickers of Calvin peeing on Ford logos was the stupidest thing you could put on a car...along come these idiotic pleas for attention.  See...when you stop your car, these hubcaps keep spinning!  It makes people next to you say, "Holy shit...he's stopped, but his wheels keep spinning...what gives?"  Actually, they only say that once, each additional time they see it, they say, "Hey...that guy has no dick!"
5 KOBE BRYANT From his lame confessional press conference, to the sleazy antics of his lawyers, Kobe Bryant has become one of the most despicable sports figures in the world.  Nutella and McDonald's dropped him as a spokesperson, but of course, the NBA has done little else but look the other way.  Oh yeah, GO KINGS!
4 DR. PHIL He wrote a book on how to lose weight?  HE WROTE A BOOK ON HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT!  HE WROTE A BOOK ON HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT!  I'm looking forward to his hair care products that are coming out later this year.
3 THE RIAA Perhaps no group in history damaged their appeal to the masses than the Record Industry Association of America.  After suing old ladies and dead men to stem the tide of illegal song trading, they failed to realize the root cause of the problem.  People don't want to pay $18 for crappy CDs with one good song on them!
2 RUSH LIMBAUGH I'll forgive the guy for his pill problems, hell who doesn't have their maid buy illegal pain killers for them?  But his comments on ESPN about Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb deserved far more of a backlash than they got.  Funny how a guy who thinks the liberal media controls everything gets such a nice break from them and doesn't lose his talk show.
1 MICHAEL JACKSON His annoyingness achieved heights one would never dream of.  From dangling his baby off a balcony, to scaring reporters with his weird new whisker look, to claiming Sony was using racism to discriminate against him, to his final crash and burn with new child molestation charges, he's worn out his welcome on the planet.  How bad is it when you have to get Uri Geller to speak up for you in the press? Hell, if a guy who can bend spoons with his mind thinks he's innocent, maybe he is!

 

By the way...despite appearances I liked an awful lot about 2003 as well.  I loved the new Harry Potter book, Return of the King, Nelly Furtado's new album, and Survivor: Panama quite a bit.

-Robert Berry
Jan 18, 2004
rberry@retrocrush.com

(c) 2004, Robert Berry and retroCRUSH.com. 
This copyright supercedes any future reprinting by UK Tabloids
that rip this article off and reprint it after this date.

 


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