(INSERT PUN ABOUT SUCKING)

If Blade Trinity is any indication of the kind of script David Goyer is going to write for Batman Begins, I fear we're going to have a shitty Bat-film on our hands yet again. The third installment of the Blade film has regressed to an action film without any sort of intriguing story, or intriguing action either, for that matter.

I just can't sit through another movie with grim faced, sunglasses wearing, leather jacketed, slow motion walking, gun blasting people fighting each other. The Matrix has sucked away fight-scene creativity in the same way that Pulp Fiction screwed up scriptwriting by making people think all they have to do is drop a ton of pop culture references in a film to make it entertaining.

A movie full of fight scenes can be good, if it's fun to watch. But the awkward blocking and lack of any type of violent beauty in Blade Trinity is played out with the grace of a Special Olympics synchronized swim team. Car chase scenes are played at 3 times the speed to make it look like you're fast forwarding through a DVD. Immortal vampires get punched through walls and get up no worse for the wear. And when they finally die, it's in an explosion of CGI ashes. It's like watching someone play a videogame for 2 hours. You have no vested interest in what you're seeing, you're just waiting for your turn.

The barely there plot involves a network of vampires, who apparently have billions of dollars because they've infiltrated every job known to man, who go to a Babylonian temple to awaken the original Dracula so they can get him to kill Blade. This plot point is immediately given a gaping hole, as the vampires capture Blade within the first 20 minutes of the film, have him chained to a special security chair, and are even able to inject him with a sedative. Why they couldn't have just killed him at that point is beyond me. It certainly would have saved the hassle of reincarnating Dracula, or making me watch the rest of this film.

Some new vampire hunters enter the mix, including Jessica Biel, who has about 2 lines and looks good while she shoots stuff. In one of the most galling product placements I've ever seen, a great deal is made about how she likes to load up her iPod with play lists to get her psyched up for battle. In a climactic scene with the stereotype quick shots of the heroes getting all of their weapons ready, you see her pulling out the iPod, downloading songs from a laptop, and slapping the ear buds into her ear with the same grim attitude of a soldier loading up his gun. I'm surprised she didn't sign up for America Online while she was at it.

The other problem with this film is that everyone sounds so fucking stupid with those fake vampire teeth in their mouth. All of Snipes' tough guy lines sound as if Mush Mouth from the Fat Albert cartoon were saying them.

Ryan Reynolds, as Hannibal King, is about the only worthwhile character in the film. He brings humor and coolness to a film that's completely devoid of it otherwise. I can totally see this character being in future films with some success, as he was pretty entertaining throughout. Unfortunately he's not in it nearly enough to make Blade Trinity watchable.

Most of the audience I saw it with last night seemed to agree. I heard many people laughing about wanting their money back, even though it was a free screening.

You might like watching it on HBO for free, but I can think of no compelling reason to pay money to do so.

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com