THE 50 COOLEST APES
OF ALL TIME


 

After the fiasco from our salute to The Year Of The Cock a few years back, I'm happy to have a less offensive tribute to the 50 Coolest Monkeys this time around.  Those Chinese folks sure have it easy with their horoscopes, with everyone sharing the same sign for a whole year.  Anyway, what better way to honor this great year than by giving tribute to the best simians, apes, gorillas and what not (for you zoologist types that feel the need to correct me), in pop culture history?  Enjoy, before The Daily Star reprints this as a poll they read in MONKEY MONTHLY.

50
APE

how could you not love an ape named ape?
49
BUBBLES

no animal has suffered more than this chimp
48
CHIM CHIM

silly overalls aside, one cool monkey for sure!
47
SEA MONKEYS

Perhaps the only aquatic apes in existance
46
MR. ASTRO CHIMP

never heard of him? CLICK HERE for info
45
LUIS GUZMAN

His work in Carlito's Way and Boogie Nights are aces
44
RALLY MONKEY
Next to Mark Mcgwire, the most successful monkey in baseball
43
GRAPE APE

Perhaps the only ape with his own flavor
42
MUGATU

Has the honor of being the worst action figure of all time!
 
41
SOCK MONKEY

The second most fun thing you can make with a sock
 
40
ZIRA

Without a doubt, the sexiest lady monkey of all time
39
BEAR

Poor guy had to hang with a trucker named "BJ"
38
MECHA KONG

Perhaps the coolest robot Kong of them all
37
MON-CHICHI

Give them credit for the most annoying commercial song ever
36
MONKEY BALL

Their ears are freaky, but a damn fun game
35
DIDDY KONG

Killed Donkey Kong Jr., and nobody's ever missed him
34
KING LOUIE

The swinginest ape in Disney history
33
GEN URKO

A much better cook than General Ursus
32
IGOO

A giant monkey made of stone, how could you not love him?
31
LANCE LINK

Secret Chimp Currently handling the Jon Benet Ramsey case
30
MAGILLA GORILLA
the ultimate simian gigolo, always for sale, never bought
29
KOGAR

the underrated star from Rat Pfink A Boo Boo
28
MIGHTY JOE YOUNG
This Kong "sequel" (the original) is pretty damn good
27
BEPPO

How could you not like a super-monkey in underwear?
26
COCO

Hands down, the toughest monkey in the cereal world
25
BLIP

Left behind after Space Ghost got his own show!
24
GLEEK

The coolest space-monkey of them all!
23
CLYDE

Starred in the #1 Eastwood movie of all time
22
CHEETAH

Why was a chimp named Cheetah, anyway?
21
J.FRED MUGGS

Today Show 2nd banana paved the way for Ed McMahon
20
JULIUS

He's everywhere, this Paul Frank icon might as well be called "Hello Monkey"
19
ROBOT MONSTER
The most wonderfully ludicrous movie monster of all time
18
RAFIKI

the voice of Robert Guillame, the soul of Gandhi
17
TITANO

shoots Kryptonite beams from his eyes, lord help Superman when he farts
16
DR. ZAIUS

"Rock Me Dr. Zakus" on he Simpsons, and he briefly took over XE
15
DARWIN

the coolest talking monkey without a political career
14
CONGORILLA

Congo Bill indulged his feces throwing fetish by switching bodies with his pal
13
GARGANTUA

the most terrifying living creature until Larry King got a show
12
GRODD

click here for the exciting origin of this evil ape
11
RUE MORGUE ORANGUTAN

This razor wielding ape was the first literary slasher
10
BONZO

co-starred with Reagan in "Bedtime for Bonzo"
9
BINGO

rumors that Gene Simmons played this Banana Split are quite false
8
FLYING MONKEY
CLICK HERE for our exclusive interview with NIKKO from The Wizard of OZ
7
PETER TORK

Musical and acting genius overlooked by many
6
DONKEY KONG

The real muscle behind Nintendo and empire builder
5
BIGFOOT

the most elusive ape of them all
4
CORNELIUS

Tough to be cool with this name, but he manages
3
MOJO JOJO

cool as hell, and I love saying his name
2
CURIOUS GEORGE

One of the last great children books not made into a shitty movie...WHOOPS!
1
KING KONG

10 times as big as a man, and Peter Jackson's latest project

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com

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