retroRANDY's
Journal o' Fun

retroMENDED
WEBSITES!

the SNEEZE
FARK
COCKEYED
WIREHED
X-E
SOMETHING AWFUL
I-MOCKERY
UNCLE MELON
NEWGROUNDS
BRESSLER.ORG
BADMOUTH
SHORT BUS

MINI ADS

Dave's Daily


THE REVENGE GUY SPEAKS OUT


texas holdem poker

real poker


Credit Loans

New York Hotels

Discount Hotels

Paris Hotels

Buy Propecia

Discount Travel

Health Insurance

Student Loans Online


SEO & SEM

Massager Machines & More

Massage Chair

IT FAKES A VILLAGE
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN'S LATEST "THRILLER" IS ALL TWIST

Bryce Howard, Ron Howard's daughter, stars in The Village and looks rather unhappy

The Village is simply an awful film.  I hated it much like you'd hate drinking orange juice after you brush your teeth.  I'm a big fan of M.Night Shyamalan's previous film, but this one is a collossal waste of time, talent, and money. 

Here's the story; a bunch of people live in a secluded society in the middle of the woods and are told to not leave the perimeter or strange creatures will eat them.  But things aren't what they seem.  Stretch that out over 2 hours and show a lot of footage of trees, and slap on an asinine twist ending, and you have The Village. 

It's incredibly boring, UN-scary, and pointless. It's a slow giant uninteresting build up to an underwhelming twist ending that is pointless.

There's two big crimes with the ending

1) There's absolutely no clues or hints that this ending was coming along. When you learn the truth about Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense, or the secret in The Crying Game, you can smile and look back at the whole movie and say, "Oh yeah....that's why THAT was there and why THAT happened and why they said THAT." In The Village you're left with, "Uhhh....THAT fucking sucked!" There's no point to it other than to say, "HAW HAW...here's a twist out of nowhere!"

SPOILER WARNING: DO NOT HIGHLIGHT THIS BLACK AREA WITH YOUR MOUSE UNLESS YOU'VE SEEN THE MOVIE, OR WISH TO FIND OUT THE ENDING AND SPOIL IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE THEY SEE IT.

2) The twist isn't even executed properly   You learn that the Village is really in our time and they're set inside of a Wildlife Preserve. But the wad is shot when you see Hurt looking through some old photos revealing they exist in modern times. And EXPLANATIONS why they are there, all BEFORE the viewers see it for themselves when Ivy Climbs the fence. That might have been at least a "Oh shit" moment with a mild payoff, but by exposing and explaining it all before that is anti-climactic and silly. 

The excellent cast is wasted in this. Adrien Brody is just a retard that doesn't stop laughing, William Hurt's character is boring, Sigourney Weaver had nothing interesting to say, and Joaquin Phoenix isn't in the film near enough to matter. Bryce Howard is an amazing standout as Ivy, and shows she has a magnetic presence that's hard to stop looking at, but everyone else is just there as props.

Please please please M.Night...stop making movies with TWISTS in them! Come up with a decent story first and throw a fitting ending on it afterward, instead of trying to work backwards like this.

After I saw this, I heard some critics lauding the film. One guy was saying, "Wow...this was just like a 30 minute Twilight Zone episode stretched into a two hour film. Anyone else this would be boring, but he makes it work!" No he doesn't. I'm sick of this "free ride" attitude people have with M.Night. I've even heard other viewers say, "Some folks can't appreciate a slow paced film."

There's a big difference from a good slow paced story, than a slow paced film with very little story.

An awful awful film!

Perhaps if ninjas or pirates were in the film, it could have been much better, but Shymalana's insistence on using people wearing rain slickers stolen from The Gorton's Fisherman to evoke terror was a miscalculation of epic proportions. 

I was able to speak with Michael Night Shymalian about this film during a phone interview and he said, "How the hell did you get this number?  If you call here again, I'll kill you!"

In all seriousness, I never spoke with the man, but if I did, I'd tell him, "Hey, next time you make a movie, maybe try making it GOOD!" 

There were many people that left the screening I attended that were raving about this film saying things like, "I love this film!" but they were the same folks that were cheering when the commercial of those stupid Fandango paper bag puppets came onscreen, so you can't trust what those morons think.

Another thing I didn't like about this film was that the air conditioner wasn't turned on.  Everyone at the Market Square theater at Arden Fair Mall was stuffy and uncomfortable.  And I don't mean to be nitpicky, but the popcorn really wasn't up to par, either.  Even Rob Cockerham, from cockeyed.com, who was sitting next to me and making an illegal camcorder copy of the film to sell on the internet turned it off halfway through and said, "I think I'd have better luck selling a 2 hour video of my pants!"  Actually, he really didn't say that, but I wish he'd make such a film, I'd buy it in a heartbeat. 

Anyway, unless you're a big fan of lousy movies, I wouldn't recommend seeing this.

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com

retroCRUSH RATING

ONE out of FIVE

 

 

      LICK THE BANNER BELOW FOR THE TOP 25 NUDE WEBMASTERS IN SACRAMENTO

click each title to read the latest
retroCRUSH
MOVIE REVIEWS

ANCHORMAN

SPIDER-MAN 2

FAHRENHEIT 9/11

DODGEBALL

SAVED!

THE STEPFORD WIVES
1/2

HARRY POTTER AND THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN

SHREK 2

TROY

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
NO STARS

KILL BILL VOL 2

HOME ON THE RANGE

ELLA ENCHANTED

STARSKY and HUTCH

DAWN OF THE DEAD

HIDALGO

THE LADYKILLERS


All contents (c)1996-2004
Robert Berry, retroCRUSH.com, or their respective copyright holders.
CLICK HERE for our privacy statement