THE 100 MOST ANNOYING THINGS OF 2004

Well it's time again to bitch and moan about the annoying things of the year again.  We've been doing this since 2000 and it's a treat to revel in the annoyances each time.  So without further adieu...

 

100 CELINE DION and ANNE GEDDES COLLABORATE ON A CD the world can enjoy the wonderful mix of shitty music and creepy dead baby pictures at last, let's just hope this doesn't give Yanni and Thomas Kincade any ideas
99 VAN HELSING how could you screw up a movie with Wolverine killing vampires?  Oh yeah, they shouldn't have paid a 2nd grader to write the script
98 YOUR MOM let's face it, she's a dirty whore
97 FLU SHOT SHORTAGE only in America can there be enough Viagra for every male citizen to have a year long boner, but not enough Flu Shots for old people
96 KEVIN SPACEY because America was demanding a movie about Bobby Darin (by America I mean Kevin Spacey)
95 NBC'S TIME DELAYED OLYMPIC COVERAGE with the actual events "broadcast live" nearly 2 years after they really happened, there was no reason to watch them on TV, except for looking at the loving mouth of Bob Costas
94 PEOPLE WHO STILL WRITE CHECKS why on earth in this age do people still write paper checks and hold up the grocery store line?  Thank god they left their abacus to calculate the change at home!
93 TELEMARKETERS FROM OTHER COUNTRIES it seems a clever way to get around the "Do Not Call" list is to have people from India call you while you're eating dinner now.  I guess when you have gods with 8 arms it's easier to dial quickly.
92 CLEAR CHANNEL'S MEDIA MONOPOLY It's official, they now own the broadcast rights to that guy down the street with a Mr. Microphone saying, "Hey Good Looking, I'll See You Later!"
91 THE IRISH they come here and take all of our good jobs (EDITOR'S NOTE: Sorry, this was left off of "The 100 Most Annoying Things of 1804" list and I had to find a place for it)
90 DONALD TRUMP you'd think with those billions he could buy something besides that hairpiece designed by H.P. Lovecraft
89 EMINEM shows off his power with a video encouraging people to band together and vote Bush out of office. To save face after the election, he re-edited the ending to show him chain sawing his wife and mother in the trunk of his car. 
88 CATWOMAN Hmmm...a movie about Catwoman with no mention of Batman, and 73 year old Sharon Stone as the bad guy.  How could it fail?
87 TERESA HEINZ KERRY Just when you thought Arianna Huffington had the most annoying accent in politics comes this crass harpy with a bad attitude.  She makes Hillary Clinton seems like Audrey Hepburn.
86 AMBER FREY listening to her idiocy on tapes with wife-killer Scott Peterson made you lose IQ points.
85 DIOXIN as newly elected Ukrainian president Harvey Dent just fount out, this stuff will make you look pretty ugly.  At least we can now explain the mystery of Edward James Olmos.
84 FRIENDS SERIES FINALE HYPE gosh, it was the most watched mediocre show of them all.  And the "special" episode was on DVD the very next day, so you could relive the magic from the previous night.
83 THE NUMBER 82 I skipped it while typing this list, and damned if I'm going to rewrite this whole damn thing!
81 THE EVER INCREASING DELUGE OF JUNK and PORN EMAIL After putting the words "Nigeria", "MILF", "VIAGRA" and "BLUMPKIN" in my email filter, I stopped getting message altogether.
80 RON ARTEST If you're gonna go psycho and punch out a fan that threatened your life by throwing beer at you, at least pick the right guy.  A promising career at Circuit City awaits.
79 HOSTAGE BEHEADING VIDEOS I made the mistake of watching one of these and could barely sleep the next night.  It sure is convenient how Al Jazeera manages to get so many of these videos to air, but has no idea where they came from, isn't it?
78 LINKIN PARK they donate $100,000 for Tsunami aid, but refuse a group suicide to perform an even greater good for the world.
77 HOLIDAY SPICE PEPSI this foul brew of Pine Sol, Piss, and moldy tobacco juice failed to catch on with the Christmas beverage buying public.  Let's hope their plans for Gefilte Fish flavored PASSOVER PEPSI is just a rumor.
76 YASSIR ARAFAT DEATH WATCH the 2 week long coverage of this event was like being trapped in a van full of reporters asking "Is he dead yet?" over and over again.
75 IRAQI INSURGENTS Why won't these guys just relax and let America finish blasting freedom into their country?
74 ELTON JOHN without any new famous dead blondes to write tribute songs about, he made news by insulting people in Asia for being annoying.
73 KIRSTIE ALLEY WEIGHT HEADLINES after Anna Nicole Smith got skinny, the tabloids needed their fat girl fix by showing Kirstie swallowing submarine sandwiches and gardening with her gigantic velour-covered ass sticking in the air.
72 TV SERIES SPINOFF OVERLOAD I can't wait for "CSI: Fresno" and "LAW and ORDER: TRAFFIC SCHOOL" next season.
71 THE GUY WHO PARKS HIS CAR IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE Seriously, dude, that's my space!
70 THE CULT OF DALE EARNHARDT I still don't understand how a guy that kills himself crashing a car into a wall can get Christmas Stocking holders with his face on them.
69 CELEBRITY POKER few things are more exciting than watching rich famous people gamble (and by famous I mean those red-headed girls from either News Radio or Suddenly Susan that I get confused with each other).  BRAVO is set to debut CELEBRITY PARCHEESI soon.
68 DONALD RUMSFELD doesn't this guy have anything to smile about?  He puckers with such an evil scowl, you'd think someone rubbed lemon juice on his dildo collection.
67 THE VILLAGE the surprise twist at end of this movie is that director M Night Shyamalan is laughing at you for watching this shitty movie while diving into a swimming pool of your money.
66 THE GILLIGAN'S ISLAND REALITY SHOW the only combination of five words that should never be used together worse than this is "tarantulas hatching in my eyes!"
65 OLIVER STONE takes the epic tale of one of history's most fascinating men and turns it into a gay soap opera.  When you cast Angelina Joile as Collin Farrell's mother and blame DVDs for the downfall of American films, it's time to get a reality check.
64 THE NHL LOCKOUT at least the hockey strike might signal an end to the exciting Mighty Ducks film saga once and for all.
63 RETRO OVERLOAD we obviously love retro-culture as much as anything, but when VH1 is busy doing "The 100 Coolest Things That Just Happened This Morning" specials, it's time to rethink things.
62 FLORIDA HURRICANES and you thought Jeb Bush was the most destructive thing that could happen to the state.
61 BLADE TRINITY the movie was bad enough, but the galling product placement of iPod music players in the film was just ridiculous, as Jessica Biel's character is shown downloading songs and shining up her headphones before going into battle.
60 POCKET SIZED MOTORCYCLES the perfect thing to match your pocket sized head.  I eagerly await the pocket sized Winnebago craze of 2005.
59 TERRELL OWENS demands to be traded to The Philadelphia Eagles so he can finally watch a team win The Super Bowl while he nurses his broken leg back to health.
58 TOM RIDGE His legacy of false alarms and ambiguous warnings as Secretary of Homeland Security may not have made us a safer place, but at least we know what color it is.
57 JERRY SPRINGER while Oprah gave her entire audience a new car, Springer gave everyone in his studio scabies.
56 DEAD CELEBRITIES IN COMMERCIALS There's a special place in hell for ad executives who think it's OK to use a digitally recreated Steve McQueen to sell cars.
55 THE MEDIA'S OVERPLAYING HOWARD DEAN'S SCREAM an enthusiastic gaff at a speech replayed thousands of times on the news pretty much costs him the election.  Glad to see we focused on the issues this time around.  I would have loved to see 1/10th of that emotion from the comatose Kerry campaign.
54 MICHAEL EISNER Disney head screws up the relationship with Pixar and sends them packing, while Roy Disney insults him in his resignation letter.  Word has it Mickey and Goofy are ready to accept a lucrative offer from FOX NEWS.
53 PILL COMMERCIALS We won't tell you what it does, but ask your doctor if it's right for you (May have harmful side effects including schizophrenia, hypothermia, gingivitis, premature ejaculation, dry heaves, and scientology).
52 TARA REID'S HIDEOUS NIPPLE The last time I saw a floppy misshapen monstrosity like that, I was eating a Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's.
51 TOBY KEITH sure he's a patriot, but do we really need songs like "Rapin' Saddam With My Shotgun" and "Love Your Cousin For America" to feel pride about your country?
50 THE DISH NETWORK decides to remove all Viacom channels from its lineup in a pricing dispute with that company, refused to give refunds, and told its angry customers to call Viacom and complain.  Hello DirecTV!
49 THE UPCOMING 2PAC ALBUM SHORTAGE more than a decade and 643 posthumous CD releases, Death Row Records has announced that they may run out of new material by the year 2009.
48 SMALL DOGS IN PURSES Hopefully this trend will be replaced with the more entertaining "Rotweillers In Fanny Packs" fashions next year.
47 DICK CHENEY'S LESBIAN DAUGHTER it's sad that folks name-dropped her during the Election for political gain, while his transsexual bondage loving bestiality addicted son got almost no press at all.
46 COLIN FARRELL Can point his finger at any woman in America and she'll hand over her panties and room key simply by doing bad Lucky The Leprechaun impersonations. Wait a minute, he's the coolest guy alive!
45 JOAN RIVERS her face is pulled so tight you can almost see the skin ripping when she talks.  This cranky banshee has about as much business saying how good celebrities look as Dr. Phil does writing a dieting book.
44 OCEAN'S 12 I thought this was about a guy with a monster cock that sang "Carribean Queen".  I was sadly mistaken.
43 MIKE NICHOLS What sort of fool director agrees to cut nude Natalie Portman scenes from a film (Closer)?  Mike Nichols is Satan himself.
42 I, ROBOT Bearing almost no resemblance save the title to Isaac Asimov's Sci-Fi classic, a more apt name for the film which was 2 hours of Will Smith grimacing and shouting, "Oh Hell NAW!"  would have been I, SUCK.
41 PUFF DADDY His "Vote or Die" campaign failed to inspire the masses to go to the polls, so he plans to sample results from the 1996 election and call it a success.
40 MONSTER CABLE News flash!  An $80 Gold Plated cable filled with magic gas and Hobbit Juice still makes "The Blue Collar Comedy Tour" lame to watch.
39 HARRY KNOWLES years after an infamous review of BLADE 2 where he compared watching the film to a hideous explanation of going down on some unfortunate woman, he spent half of his review of KILL BILL 2 talking about how he was stuck on his toilet and almost missed the premiere.  IT AIN'T COOL.
38 JOEY Only a show about Ross could have been a more pathetic spin-off of Friends than this insipid mess. 
37 SWIFT BOAT VETERANS FOR THE TRUTH Commercials with old guys who once saw Kerry's picture in a magazine questioning his military service were just insane.  And they worked!
36 FRIENDLY FIRE Nothing like quitting a promising career in the NFL to go over and get shot by your own men in Afghanistan.  Tillman's story reads like a footnote in the credits of Animal House.
35 PRINTER ACCESSORY PRICES When buying new ink for your printer costs more than your entire printer did, something's not quite right.
34 MT. EVEREST SURVIVOR STORIES When you risk your life to climb a dangerous mountain that hundreds of others have conquered long before you and write a story about your harrowing tale, it makes you a jackass, not a hero.
33 BARRY BONDS The debate as to whether he was a greater player than Babe Ruth is silly.  The only juice Babe was on had gin in it.
32 THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW Easily the worst movie of the year.  You could easily raise the nation's IQ by asking people if they liked this film, then cart them away somewhere mysterious if they agreed.
31 HANNITY AND COLMES An arrogant asshole Republican "balanced" with a liberal with the charisma of Ichabod Crane. 
30 KABALLAH This ancient Jewish mysticism cult grants its users peace and harmony by paying $50 to tie a red shoelace around their wrist.  Though anything that stopped Madonna from using her phony British accent can't be all that bad.
29 COURTNEY LOVE From spending away her murdered dead husband's millions to letting random strangers suck on her varicose heroin tits on camera, her hideousness has reached an all time high.  Watch for her to make love to baseball bats at next year's Grammy Awards.
28 MICHAEL MOORE I loved Fahrenheit 9/11, but you'd think with all that cash, he'd be able to afford a razor.  He's beginning to resemble Mama Fratelli from "The Goonies."
27 BILL O'REILLY I haven't enjoyed watching a newsguy get in trouble for sexually harassing a coworker this much since that infamous Ed Bradley and Andy Rooney incident in the 80s
26 ASHLEE SIMPSON it's bad enough that she wears her lip syncing scandal like it's some sort of badge of courage, but she's nowhere near as charming as her sister, and frankly has been disappointing to her parents as of late.
25 THE SCOTT PETERSON TRIAL no clever catchphrases from the defense, gloves that don't fit, evil racist cops...what gives?  Oh yeah, while you were reading this, 10 people who weren't pretty just got murdered and TV won't even care about it.
24 DAN RATHER how shitty of a reporter do you have to be to MAKE UP things about George Bush to make him look bad?  Look for Dan to start his new job at GRIT newspaper this summer!
23 THE STAR JONES WEDDING why anyone cared that she got married is beyond me, but I hope she has a long and happy life with her husband, Salacious Crumb.
22 ZELL MILLER practically challenges "Hardball" host Chris Mathews to a duel on live TV after betraying his party and supporting Bush, only moments before forgetting his own name and trying to turn off the cameras with The Clapper.
21 QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY When are these guys going to realize that straight guys don't care how they look as long as there's enough booze around?
20 BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO The good news...no more late fees!  The bad news, the entire store is now 5,000 copies of Daddy Day Care.
19 KOBE BRYANT normally a basketball player will get praise for his inside penetration, aggressive ball handling, and working above the rim.  Just not when it's a part of the prosecutions rape case.
18 THE OLSEN TWINS how did these cute little girls grow up to be hybrids of Chip and Dale?
17 MISUSE OF SUVs why does a family of 2 need to drive these deadly tanks that get 8 miles per gallon, anyway?  They should make 4 years of military service mandatory to anyone that wants to buy one.
16 TUCKER CARLSON totally owned by The Daily Show's Jon Stewart on Crossfire when his ill-fated attempts to make him look bad just blew up in his face.  The only other newsman I know of that wore a bowtie worked for WKRP, cool guy!
15 STARBUCKS This just in, Starbucks has now opened a new location in my bathroom!
14 MICHAEL JACKSON FANS I'll leave the freak himself alone but how stupid and blind do you have to be to still support this guy?  You'd think he was paying fans to show up at his court appearances.  Oh wait...
13 WHORE CULTURE Why is it kids have to look like Jodie Foster's preteen hooker character in Taxi Driver instead of like kids anymore? 
12 JOHN KERRY remember when Al Gore used to be the most boring man in politics?  What should have been a slam dunk victory was totally mishandled as Kerry showed all the warmth and charisma of a totem pole.  Maybe next time the Democrats can come up with someone that can inspire slogans a bit better than "Anyone but Bush!"
11 PAUL HAMM hearing his whiny voice defend his Gold Medal victory in gymnastics, despite a scoring gaffe that should have cost him the victory made me want to pull my ears off.  I never thought there could be such a thing as a sore winner. 
10 CELEBRITIES HAVING BABIES I just don't get the media's fascination with the miracle of celebrities that can actually reproduce like any other person, especially when much more stories about celebrities eating babies get no press at all.
9 WILLIAM HUNG Since when did making fun of retarded people become cool?  At least we know if he ever becomes a serial killer with a biting fetish, he'll be easy to track down because that mouth full of crooked Yahtzee dice teeth would leave an unmistakable mark (thoughts like this are why I have trouble sleeping at night, and maintaining a stable relationship).
8 ANNA NICOLE SMITH Sure she looks great, but that Trim Spa diet apparently can't tell the difference between fat and brain tissue. 
7 LYNDIE ENGLAND Let this be a lesson to never let puppets from The Dark Crystal movie serve in the military!
6 BLOGS It's a sad day when a gothic kid with an online diary written in his parent's basement is given the same journalistic integrity as Fox News.  Seeing Political Blog commentary during the debates like, "KERRY IZ A FAG LOL" just doesn't quite do the job.
5 JANET JACKSON'S BREAST You'd have thought it was the beginning of the Apocalypse the way America reacted to her flooby brown monstrosity that popped out during the Super Bowl Half-Time Show.  The NFL is playing it safe next year with Paul McCartney handling the entertainment responsibilities, but the rumors of him giving Ringo Starr a Dirty Sanchez after he sings "Band On The Run" are troubling.
4 THE FCC The talk of Miss Jackson's breast was bad enough, but the FCC's ridiculous fines for the mishap and any radio DJ that even thought about swearing was just plain stupid.  Michael Powell's boneheaded attacks on "dirty things" was downright scary, and when you realize that 99% of the complaints they act on come from a single conservative parent group, it's even scarier.  They claim to protect the airwaves, while changing the law to let just a handful of companies control every bit of media out there.  It's time to scrap this antiquated bunch of thought police once and for all.
3 TSUNAMIS I don't know how to justify the level of "annoying" for what may be the worst disaster the world has ever seen, but it seems wrong to leave them off the list.  At least I'm thankful I'm not seeing magnetic tidal waves stuck on cars with "Never Forget" tags on them....yet.
2 PARIS HILTON I remember when people who were famous just for being famous were at least confined to the set of The Match Game.  Why the hell do people keep paying attention to this lazy eyed no talent jizz-gobbler?  At least at this rate she'll die of a rare combination of 40 different sexually transmitted diseases before next year is through.
1 THE ATKINS DIET you can't even eat an apple anymore without some bacon chugging ketosis-zombie telling you about the insane amount of carbs inside.  It's bad enough that they're selling low-carb toilet paper in the grocery stores to appeal to these idiots, but they're putting such a drain on the beef supply that I can't buy a good steak without taking out a second mortgage on my house.  I just keep thinking about the line Daniel Stern's character said  in "City Slickers" after Curly died, "The man ate bacon at every meal...you just can't do that!"  Here's a tip, when the autopsy they performed on the guy that founded your diet shows that his veins had turned into a network of Slim Jims and Vienna Sausages, it's time to rethink your plan.

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com

 

 

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