| 100 |
 |
CELINE DION
and ANNE GEDDES COLLABORATE ON A CD the world can enjoy
the wonderful mix of shitty music and creepy dead baby
pictures at last, let's just hope this doesn't give Yanni and
Thomas Kincade any ideas |
| 99 |
 |
VAN HELSING
how could you screw up a movie with Wolverine killing
vampires? Oh yeah, they shouldn't have paid a 2nd grader
to write the script |
| 98 |
 |
YOUR MOM
let's face it, she's a dirty whore |
| 97 |
 |
FLU SHOT
SHORTAGE only in America can there be enough Viagra for
every male citizen to have a year long boner, but not enough
Flu Shots for old people |
| 96 |
 |
KEVIN SPACEY
because America was demanding a movie about Bobby Darin (by
America I mean Kevin Spacey) |
| 95 |
 |
NBC'S TIME
DELAYED OLYMPIC COVERAGE with the actual events "broadcast
live" nearly 2 years after they really happened, there was no
reason to watch them on TV, except for looking at the loving
mouth of Bob Costas |
| 94 |
 |
PEOPLE WHO
STILL WRITE CHECKS why on earth in this age do people still
write paper checks and hold up the grocery store line?
Thank god they left their abacus to calculate the change at
home! |
| 93 |
 |
TELEMARKETERS
FROM OTHER COUNTRIES it seems a clever way to get around the
"Do Not Call" list is to have people from India call you while
you're eating dinner now. I guess when you have gods
with 8 arms it's easier to dial quickly. |
| 92 |
 |
CLEAR CHANNEL'S
MEDIA MONOPOLY It's official, they now own the broadcast
rights to that guy down the street with a Mr. Microphone
saying, "Hey Good Looking, I'll See You Later!" |
| 91 |
 |
THE IRISH
they come here and take all of our good jobs (EDITOR'S NOTE:
Sorry, this was left off of "The 100 Most Annoying Things of
1804" list and I had to find a place for it) |
| 90 |
 |
DONALD TRUMP
you'd think with those billions he could buy something besides
that hairpiece designed by H.P. Lovecraft |
| 89 |
 |
EMINEM shows
off his power with a video encouraging people to band together
and vote Bush out of office. To save face after the election,
he re-edited the ending to show him chain sawing his wife and
mother in the trunk of his car. |
| 88 |
 |
CATWOMAN
Hmmm...a movie about Catwoman with no mention of Batman, and
73 year old Sharon Stone as the bad guy. How could it
fail? |
| 87 |
 |
TERESA HEINZ
KERRY Just when you thought Arianna Huffington had the most
annoying accent in politics comes this crass harpy with a bad
attitude. She makes Hillary Clinton seems like Audrey
Hepburn. |
| 86 |
 |
AMBER FREY
listening to her idiocy on tapes with wife-killer Scott
Peterson made you lose IQ points. |
| 85 |
 |
DIOXIN as newly
elected Ukrainian president Harvey Dent just fount out, this
stuff will make you look pretty ugly. At least we can
now explain the mystery of Edward James Olmos. |
| 84 |
 |
FRIENDS SERIES
FINALE HYPE gosh, it was the most watched mediocre show of
them all. And the "special" episode was on DVD the very
next day, so you could relive the magic from the previous
night. |
| 83 |
 |
THE NUMBER 82 I
skipped it while typing this list, and damned if I'm going to
rewrite this whole damn thing! |
| 81 |
 |
THE EVER
INCREASING DELUGE OF JUNK and PORN EMAIL After putting the
words "Nigeria", "MILF", "VIAGRA" and "BLUMPKIN" in my email
filter, I stopped getting message altogether. |
| 80 |
 |
RON ARTEST If
you're gonna go psycho and punch out a fan that threatened
your life by throwing beer at you, at least pick the right
guy. A promising career at Circuit City awaits. |
| 79 |
 |
HOSTAGE
BEHEADING VIDEOS I made the mistake of watching one of
these and could barely sleep the next night. It sure is
convenient how Al Jazeera manages to get so many of these
videos to air, but has no idea where they came from, isn't it? |
| 78 |
 |
LINKIN PARK
they donate $100,000 for Tsunami aid, but refuse a group
suicide to perform an even greater good for the world. |
| 77 |
 |
HOLIDAY SPICE
PEPSI this foul brew of Pine Sol, Piss, and moldy tobacco
juice failed to catch on with the Christmas beverage buying
public. Let's hope their plans for Gefilte Fish flavored
PASSOVER PEPSI is just a rumor. |
| 76 |
 |
YASSIR ARAFAT
DEATH WATCH the 2 week long coverage of this event was like
being trapped in a van full of reporters asking "Is he dead
yet?" over and over again. |
| 75 |
 |
IRAQI
INSURGENTS Why won't these guys just relax and let America
finish blasting freedom into their country? |
| 74 |
 |
ELTON JOHN
without any new famous dead blondes to write tribute songs
about, he made news by insulting people in Asia for being
annoying. |
| 73 |
 |
KIRSTIE ALLEY
WEIGHT HEADLINES after Anna Nicole Smith got skinny, the
tabloids needed their fat girl fix by showing Kirstie
swallowing submarine sandwiches and gardening with her
gigantic velour-covered ass sticking in the air. |
| 72 |
 |
TV SERIES
SPINOFF OVERLOAD I can't wait for "CSI: Fresno" and "LAW and
ORDER: TRAFFIC SCHOOL" next season. |
| 71 |
 |
THE GUY WHO
PARKS HIS CAR IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE Seriously, dude, that's my
space! |
| 70 |
 |
THE CULT OF
DALE EARNHARDT I still don't understand how a guy that kills
himself crashing a car into a wall can get Christmas Stocking
holders with his face on them. |
| 69 |
 |
CELEBRITY POKER
few things are more exciting than watching rich famous people
gamble (and by famous I mean those red-headed girls from
either News Radio or Suddenly Susan that I get confused with
each other). BRAVO is set to debut CELEBRITY PARCHEESI
soon. |
| 68 |
 |
DONALD RUMSFELD
doesn't this guy have anything to smile about? He
puckers with such an evil scowl, you'd think someone rubbed
lemon juice on his dildo collection. |
| 67 |
 |
THE VILLAGE the
surprise twist at end of this movie is that director M Night Shyamalan is laughing at you for watching this shitty movie
while diving into a swimming pool of your money. |
| 66 |
 |
THE GILLIGAN'S
ISLAND REALITY SHOW the only combination of five words that
should never be used together worse than this is "tarantulas
hatching in my eyes!" |
| 65 |
 |
OLIVER STONE
takes the epic tale of one of history's most fascinating men
and turns it into a gay soap opera. When you cast
Angelina Joile as Collin Farrell's mother and blame DVDs for
the downfall of American films, it's time to get a reality
check. |
| 64 |
 |
THE NHL LOCKOUT
at least the hockey strike might signal an end to the exciting
Mighty Ducks film saga once and for all. |
| 63 |
 |
RETRO OVERLOAD
we obviously love retro-culture as much as anything, but when
VH1 is busy doing "The 100 Coolest Things That Just Happened
This Morning" specials, it's time to rethink things. |
| 62 |
 |
FLORIDA
HURRICANES and you thought Jeb Bush was the most destructive
thing that could happen to the state. |
| 61 |
 |
BLADE TRINITY
the movie was bad enough, but the galling product placement of iPod music players in the film was just ridiculous, as Jessica
Biel's character is shown downloading songs and shining up her
headphones before going into battle. |
| 60 |
 |
POCKET SIZED
MOTORCYCLES the perfect thing to match your pocket sized head.
I eagerly await the pocket sized Winnebago craze of 2005. |
| 59 |
 |
TERRELL OWENS
demands to be traded to The Philadelphia Eagles so he can
finally watch a team win The Super Bowl while he nurses his
broken leg back to health. |
| 58 |
 |
TOM RIDGE His
legacy of false alarms and ambiguous warnings as Secretary of
Homeland Security may not have made us a safer place, but at
least we know what color it is. |
| 57 |
 |
JERRY SPRINGER
while Oprah gave her entire audience a new car, Springer gave
everyone in his studio scabies. |
| 56 |
 |
DEAD
CELEBRITIES IN COMMERCIALS There's a special place in hell for
ad executives who think it's OK to use a digitally recreated
Steve McQueen to sell cars. |
| 55 |
 |
THE MEDIA'S
OVERPLAYING HOWARD DEAN'S SCREAM an enthusiastic gaff at a
speech replayed thousands of times on the news pretty much
costs him the election. Glad to see we focused on the
issues this time around. I would have loved to see
1/10th of that emotion from the comatose Kerry campaign. |
| 54 |
 |
MICHAEL EISNER
Disney head screws up the relationship with Pixar and sends
them packing, while Roy Disney insults him in his resignation
letter. Word has it Mickey and Goofy are ready to accept
a lucrative offer from FOX NEWS. |
| 53 |
 |
PILL
COMMERCIALS We won't tell you what it does, but ask your
doctor if it's right for you (May have harmful side effects
including schizophrenia, hypothermia, gingivitis, premature
ejaculation, dry heaves, and scientology). |
| 52 |
 |
TARA REID'S
HIDEOUS NIPPLE The last time I saw a floppy misshapen
monstrosity like that, I was eating a Grand Slam Breakfast at
Denny's. |
| 51 |
 |
TOBY KEITH sure
he's a patriot, but do we really need songs like "Rapin'
Saddam With My Shotgun" and "Love Your Cousin For America" to
feel pride about your country? |
| 50 |
 |
THE DISH
NETWORK decides to remove all Viacom channels from its lineup
in a pricing dispute with that company, refused to give
refunds, and told its angry customers to call Viacom and
complain. Hello DirecTV! |
| 49 |
 |
THE UPCOMING
2PAC ALBUM SHORTAGE more than a decade and 643 posthumous CD
releases, Death Row Records has announced that they may run
out of new material by the year 2009. |
| 48 |
 |
SMALL DOGS IN
PURSES Hopefully this trend will be replaced with the more
entertaining "Rotweillers In Fanny Packs" fashions next year.
|
| 47 |
 |
DICK CHENEY'S
LESBIAN DAUGHTER it's sad that folks name-dropped her during
the Election for political gain, while his transsexual bondage
loving bestiality addicted son got almost no press at all. |
| 46 |
 |
COLIN FARRELL
Can point his finger at any woman in America and she'll hand
over her panties and room key simply by doing bad Lucky The
Leprechaun impersonations. Wait a minute, he's the coolest guy
alive! |
| 45 |
 |
JOAN RIVERS her
face is pulled so tight you can almost see the skin ripping
when she talks. This cranky banshee has about as much
business saying how good celebrities look as Dr. Phil does
writing a dieting book. |
| 44 |
 |
OCEAN'S 12 I
thought this was about a guy with a monster cock that sang "Carribean
Queen". I was sadly mistaken. |
| 43 |
 |
MIKE NICHOLS
What sort of fool director agrees to cut nude Natalie Portman scenes
from a film (Closer)? Mike Nichols is Satan himself. |
| 42 |
 |
I, ROBOT
Bearing almost no resemblance save the title to Isaac Asimov's
Sci-Fi classic, a more apt name for the film which was 2 hours
of Will Smith grimacing and shouting, "Oh Hell NAW!"
would have been I, SUCK. |
| 41 |
 |
PUFF DADDY His
"Vote or Die" campaign failed to inspire the masses to go to
the polls, so he plans to sample results from the 1996
election and call it a success. |
| 40 |
 |
MONSTER CABLE
News flash! An $80 Gold Plated cable filled with magic
gas and Hobbit Juice still makes "The Blue Collar Comedy Tour"
lame to watch. |
| 39 |
 |
HARRY KNOWLES
years after an infamous review of BLADE 2 where he compared
watching the film to a hideous explanation of going down on
some unfortunate woman, he spent half of his review of KILL
BILL 2 talking about how he was stuck on his toilet and almost
missed the premiere. IT AIN'T COOL. |
| 38 |
 |
JOEY Only a
show about Ross could have been a more pathetic spin-off of
Friends than this insipid mess. |
| 37 |
 |
SWIFT BOAT
VETERANS FOR THE TRUTH Commercials with old guys who once saw
Kerry's picture in a magazine questioning his military service
were just insane. And they worked! |
| 36 |
 |
FRIENDLY FIRE
Nothing like quitting a promising career in the NFL to go over
and get shot by your own men in Afghanistan. Tillman's
story reads like a footnote in the credits of Animal House. |
| 35 |
 |
PRINTER
ACCESSORY PRICES When buying new ink for your printer costs
more than your entire printer did, something's not quite
right. |
| 34 |
 |
MT. EVEREST
SURVIVOR STORIES When you risk your life to climb a dangerous
mountain that hundreds of others have conquered long before
you and write a story about your harrowing tale, it makes you
a jackass, not a hero. |
| 33 |
 |
BARRY BONDS The
debate as to whether he was a greater player than Babe Ruth is
silly. The only juice Babe was on had gin in it. |
| 32 |
 |
THE DAY AFTER
TOMORROW Easily the worst movie of the year. You could
easily raise the nation's IQ by asking people if they liked
this film, then cart them away somewhere mysterious if they
agreed. |
| 31 |
 |
HANNITY AND
COLMES An arrogant asshole Republican "balanced" with a
liberal with the charisma of Ichabod Crane. |
| 30 |
 |
KABALLAH This
ancient Jewish mysticism cult grants its users peace and
harmony by paying $50 to tie a red shoelace around their
wrist. Though anything that stopped Madonna from using
her phony British accent can't be all that bad. |
| 29 |
 |
COURTNEY LOVE
From spending away her murdered dead husband's millions to
letting random strangers suck on her varicose heroin tits on
camera, her hideousness has reached an all time high.
Watch for her to make love to baseball bats at next year's
Grammy Awards. |
| 28 |
 |
MICHAEL MOORE I
loved Fahrenheit 9/11, but you'd think with all that cash,
he'd be able to afford a razor. He's beginning to
resemble Mama Fratelli from "The Goonies." |
| 27 |
 |
BILL O'REILLY I
haven't enjoyed watching a newsguy get in trouble for sexually
harassing a coworker this much since that infamous Ed Bradley
and Andy Rooney incident in the 80s |
| 26 |
 |
ASHLEE SIMPSON it's bad enough that she wears her lip
syncing scandal like it's some sort of badge of courage, but
she's nowhere near as charming as her sister, and frankly has
been disappointing to her parents as of late. |
| 25 |
 |
THE SCOTT
PETERSON TRIAL no clever catchphrases from the defense, gloves
that don't fit, evil racist cops...what gives? Oh yeah,
while you were reading this, 10 people who weren't pretty just
got murdered and TV won't even care about it. |
| 24 |
 |
DAN RATHER how
shitty of a reporter do you have to be to MAKE UP things about
George Bush to make him look bad? Look for Dan to start
his new job at GRIT newspaper this summer! |
| 23 |
 |
THE STAR JONES
WEDDING why anyone cared that she got married is beyond me,
but I hope she has a long and happy life with her husband,
Salacious Crumb. |
| 22 |
 |
ZELL MILLER
practically challenges "Hardball" host Chris Mathews to a duel
on live TV after betraying his party and supporting Bush, only
moments before forgetting his own name and trying to turn off
the cameras with The Clapper. |
| 21 |
 |
QUEER EYE FOR
THE STRAIGHT GUY When are these guys going to realize that
straight guys don't care how they look as long as there's
enough booze around? |
| 20 |
 |
BLOCKBUSTER
VIDEO The good news...no more late fees! The bad news,
the entire store is now 5,000 copies of Daddy Day Care. |
| 19 |
 |
KOBE BRYANT
normally a basketball player will get praise for his inside
penetration, aggressive ball handling, and working above the
rim. Just not when it's a part of the prosecutions rape
case. |
| 18 |
 |
THE OLSEN TWINS
how did these cute little girls grow up to be hybrids of Chip
and Dale? |
| 17 |
 |
MISUSE OF SUVs
why does a family of 2 need to drive these deadly tanks that
get 8 miles per gallon, anyway? They should make 4 years
of military service mandatory to anyone that wants to buy one. |
| 16 |
 |
TUCKER CARLSON
totally owned by The Daily Show's Jon Stewart on Crossfire
when his ill-fated attempts to make him look bad just blew up
in his face. The only other newsman I know of that wore
a bowtie worked for WKRP, cool guy! |
| 15 |
 |
STARBUCKS This
just in, Starbucks has now opened a new location in my
bathroom! |
| 14 |
 |
MICHAEL JACKSON FANS I'll leave the freak himself alone
but how stupid and blind do you have to be to still support
this guy? You'd think he was paying fans to show up at
his court appearances. Oh wait... |
| 13 |
 |
WHORE CULTURE Why is it kids have to look like Jodie
Foster's preteen hooker character in Taxi Driver instead of
like kids anymore? |
| 12 |
 |
JOHN KERRY remember when Al Gore used to be the most
boring man in politics? What should have been a slam
dunk victory was totally mishandled as Kerry showed all the
warmth and charisma of a totem pole. Maybe next time the
Democrats can come up with someone that can inspire slogans a
bit better than "Anyone but Bush!" |
| 11 |
 |
PAUL HAMM hearing his whiny voice defend his Gold Medal
victory in gymnastics, despite a scoring gaffe that should
have cost him the victory made me want to pull my ears off.
I never thought there could be such a thing as a sore winner. |
| 10 |
 |
CELEBRITIES
HAVING BABIES I just don't get the media's fascination
with the miracle of celebrities that can actually reproduce
like any other person, especially when much more stories about
celebrities eating babies get no press at all. |
| 9 |
 |
WILLIAM HUNG Since when did making fun of retarded
people become cool? At least we know if he ever becomes
a serial killer with a biting fetish, he'll be easy to track
down because that mouth full of crooked Yahtzee dice teeth
would leave an unmistakable mark (thoughts like this are why I
have trouble sleeping at night, and maintaining a stable
relationship). |
| 8 |
 |
ANNA NICOLE
SMITH Sure she looks great, but that Trim Spa diet
apparently can't tell the difference between fat and brain
tissue. |
| 7 |
 |
LYNDIE ENGLAND Let this be a lesson to never let
puppets from The Dark Crystal movie serve in the military! |
| 6 |
 |
BLOGS It's a sad day when a gothic kid with an online
diary written in his parent's basement is given the same
journalistic integrity as Fox News. Seeing Political
Blog commentary during the debates like, "KERRY IZ A FAG LOL"
just doesn't quite do the job. |
| 5 |
 |
JANET JACKSON'S
BREAST You'd have thought it was the beginning of the
Apocalypse the way America reacted to her flooby brown
monstrosity that popped out during the Super Bowl Half-Time
Show. The NFL is playing it safe next year with Paul
McCartney handling the entertainment responsibilities, but the
rumors of him giving Ringo Starr a Dirty Sanchez after he
sings "Band On The Run" are troubling. |
| 4 |
 |
THE FCC The talk of Miss Jackson's breast was bad
enough, but the FCC's ridiculous fines for the mishap and any
radio DJ that even thought about swearing was just plain
stupid. Michael Powell's boneheaded attacks on "dirty
things" was downright scary, and when you realize that 99% of
the complaints they act on come from a single conservative
parent group, it's even scarier. They claim to protect
the airwaves, while changing the law to let just a handful of
companies control every bit of media out there. It's
time to scrap this antiquated bunch of thought police once and
for all. |
| 3 |
 |
TSUNAMIS I don't know how to justify the level of
"annoying" for what may be the worst disaster the world has
ever seen, but it seems wrong to leave them off the list.
At least I'm thankful I'm not seeing magnetic tidal waves
stuck on cars with "Never Forget" tags on them....yet. |
| 2 |
 |
PARIS HILTON I remember when people who were famous
just for being famous were at least confined to the set of The
Match Game. Why the hell do people keep paying attention
to this lazy eyed no talent jizz-gobbler? At least at
this rate she'll die of a rare combination of 40 different
sexually transmitted diseases before next year is through. |
| 1 |
 |
THE ATKINS DIET you can't even eat an apple anymore
without some bacon chugging ketosis-zombie telling you about
the insane amount of carbs inside. It's bad enough that
they're selling low-carb toilet paper in the grocery stores to
appeal to these idiots, but they're putting such a drain on
the beef supply that I can't buy a good steak without taking
out a second mortgage on my house. I just keep thinking
about the line Daniel Stern's character said in "City
Slickers" after Curly died, "The man ate bacon at every
meal...you just can't do that!"
Here's a tip, when the autopsy they performed on the guy that
founded your diet shows that his veins had turned into a
network of Slim Jims and Vienna Sausages, it's time to rethink
your plan. |
