If your friend wants to see Cheaper By The Dozen 2
PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE!

Was there truly that many people that enjoyed the remake of Cheaper By The Dozen that made a sequel necessary?  How can Steve Martin continue to give us inspired work like Shop Girl, then pad his career with complete crap like this film?  As a DVD, the first cheaper remake is one of those "OK to watch with your kids" movies, but this sequel is so truly utterly completely excessively adjectively awful it made me want to reach into the screen, shake Martin violently and scream, "You freaking sellout, quit phoning in these 'gimme a paycheck' performances!  You are a great actor and if you're not going to do any of your brilliant stand up comedy anymore, the least you can do is say 'No!" once in a while to these super shitty 'can't lose' family films you insist on making!"

Cheaper By The Dozen 2 is comedic filmmaking at its worst.  The Bakers and their twelve kids (get it, a BAKER'S DOZEN...but there's not 13 of them) go back to a lakeside vacation spot that they enjoyed 10 years prior.  Nothing is the same when they return, except Dad's desire to be competitive rival "better" father Eugene Levy (another incredibly talented actor who insists on being in some of the shittiest movies ever released).  Insert contrived setups to slapstick gags so bad they'd make Pauly Shore wince, and you've got one of the holiday season's worst films.

The film starts with the cash-strapped family holding a lavish graduation party at their house for Hilary Duff, who's ghoulish new appearance looks to be the result of massive facial liposuction.  Her purpose in the film is to put, read Allure magazine, and put makeup on her sister's face.

There's a single compelling story with the charming Alyson Stoner playing a tomboy who falls in love.  Frankly if they just made the whole film about her struggles, it might have been a sweet and meaningful film, but choreographer turned director Adam Shankman can't go 5 minutes without someone getting whacked in the nuts or spilling food all over someone, so any chance for depth is immediately destroyed.


THIS SCENE WAS FUNNIER WHEN I FIRST SAW IT ON THE BRADY BUNCH

Cheaper 2 is full of inorganic elements that serve no other purpose than to setup some stupid gag.  A kid brings a backpack full of fireworks to a clambake, for no other purpose than to have it explode there and cause trouble.  Instead of logically leaving him behind at the cabin, the Baker family brings their out of control dog to Eugene Levy's mansion for a nice dinner, only to have him break his leash and wreck the fine china which was a gift from the King of Thailand (a fact that we're reminded of no less than THREE TIMES before the inevitable dog vs. table carnage).

For the love of all that is good, please don't see this movie, don't rent this movie, and discourage anyone you know from doing so.  Hollywood needs to get the message to stop throwing this sort of garbage out there.  And the annoying trend of "I Have So Many Kids My Uterus Is Going To Explode" movies is one that we can all use a break from.

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com


RETURN OF THE KING

I hold the 1933 original Kong dear to my heart. It's one of my favorite movies of all time, and I never tire of watching it. It's high adventure at its finest and the first real American monster movie. The 1976 remake was one of the most shameful and embarrassingly stupid movies ever released and its stigma has been a tough one to shake. You gotta give credit to Peter Jackson for using his Lord of the Rings clout to remaking his favorite childhood film. His love and respect for the source material coupled with his unequalled skill at telling exciting stories, make King Kong 2005 a fantastic work of art.

CLICK HERE FOR THE ENTIRE REVIEW

PAC-MAN FEVER
AN INTERVIEW WITH  BUCKNER AND GARCIA

In 1982, Pac-Man was a worldwide phenomenon. With everything from Pac-Man cereal, to Pac Man air-fresheners (the sure sign of an 80s phenomenon) the little yellow guy was everywhere. But nothing captured the craze like Jeff Buckner and Gary Garcia's song, "Pac-Man Fever".

A worldwide hit, it soon spawned an album with the same title that contained 9 other arcade game influenced songs: "Goin Berserk", "Do The Donkey Kong" (their follow up single), "Ode to a Centipede", "Mousetrap", "Froggy's Lament", "Defender", and "Hyperspace".

I was honored to interview these legendary performers to find out some of the behind the scenes info and learn a lot about what they've been up to since.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE ENTIRE INTERVIEW

RICHARD SALA'S MAD NIGHT IS ONE THRILLING SPOOKY ADVENTURE

Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com

I've never read anything quit like Richard Sala's "Mad Night" before.  The black and white artwork is a mixture of Archie comics and creepy woodcuts and the story is like a Nancy Drew adventure with David Lynch as a guest writer.  In the opening pages, a gorgeous raven haired girl with glasses is quietly exploring her college library when quickly murdered by some dark creepy dude with a mechanical hand who proceeds to extract some fluid from her neck with a hypodermic needle.  He returns to his underground laboratory and uses it to create some sort of mysterious formula.

The twists and intrigue keep on coming throughout the 232 page graphic novel from Fantagraphics which was originally serialized between 1998-2005 in Sala's book "The Evil Eye".  Priced at just over $16, it's one of the more thrilling and original comic book adventures I've enjoyed in quite some time.  An evil puppet lady, an army of sexy pirate girls, a giant killer octopus, and a precocious heroine named Judy Drood who's a great detective with a mean right cross all add up to an exciting story that I'm eager to shortly read again.  If you're looking for something unusual and fun for an adult comic book fan, or someone that just digs a good mystery, you can't do much better than this.  CLICK HERE to look at and buy all of Richard Sala's catalog at Fantagraphics.  Also, visit Richard's site at RICHARDSALA.com for more mysterious goodness.

THE SPIDER PIT SCENE
A HISTORY of the LONG LOST SCENE FROM KING KONG
AND PETER JACKSON'S ATTEMPT TO RECREATE IT

The original King Kong is one of America's greatest movies.  Though the versions that have existed through the years have gone through dramatic edits.  In 1938, 5 years after its original release, there was wholesale chopping of over 4 minutes of footage deemed too shocking and violent for the audiences.  We detailed much of this in an article on The Censored Scenes of Kong a couple years back.  Luckily dedicated film preservationists were able to track down those scenes, but there's long been a sequence that was cut after an initial screening by the film's director himself, Merian C. Cooper, that's never been found.  Known as the "Spider Pit Scene", a thrilling segment in which men are eaten alive by various creepy crawly creatures after Kong shakes them from the log into the ravine, had been spoken of by folks who read the script, with only scant evidence of its existence.

CLICK HERE FOR THE ENTIRE EXCITING ARTICLE

THE AQUAMAN ARGUMENT
BY BRADLEY MASON HAMLIN

As a kid in the 1970s, Aquaman became my favorite character in the comics—and his comic book had already been cancelled! I read the back issues and followed his terrific series in Adventure Comics, written by David Micheline, which included the incredibly dramatic death of Arthur, Jr., otherwise known as Aquababy. But most importantly, Aquaman was a founding member of the Justice League of America, the best comic book team ever!

Perhaps the highest achievement of Aquaman, and certainly what made him a household name, was his involvement within animation. Filmation Studios created a truly faithful version of Aquaman for the Superman-Aquaman Adventure Hour in 1967. That’s right, not the Superman-Batman Adventure Hour, Aquaman! The Adventure Hour was my first experience with Aquaman and remains without a doubt the definitive version of the character for me. Later, Aquaman teamed up with the exclusive cast of headliners to form the Super Friends—his place forever cemented in pop culture history.

So, what happened?

CLICK HERE FOR THE ENTIRE ARTICLE, INCLUDING A TON OF COOL PHOTOS, AND A COMPLETE COVER GALLERY OF THE ORIGINAL SERIES

 

 
Web www.retrocrush.com

Macgyver Season 4 is out on DVD, and we're giving a copy away to a lucky retroCRUSH reader.  Just email contests@retrocrush.com and let us know what you could invent using a paperclip, a chocolate bar, a silicone implant, and a jar of anal lube and the best entry will win the set.  Deadline for entries is Dec 23rd!  GO FOR IT!  It's the best TV series to star a Richard Marx lookalike since the ill-fated Super Mullet Man from 1981, so don't miss out!


ATTACK of the ANT-MAN!

He could shrink so small he could actually ride on the back of an ant...Ant-Man was one of those pure fantasy characters dreamed up of the best kind of science fiction, the kind that springs forward directly from the imagination and takes you for a ride.

CLICK HERE for the ENTIRE ARTICLE


GET INFECTED!
retroCRUSH INTERVIEWS MARTIN SARGENT

We caught up with Martin Sargent who hosted the wonderful Unscrewed show on Tech TV, and currently has a kickass new podcast called Martin Sargent's Infected, for our latest podcast.  Just click the link below to subscribe via iTunes to listen (Episode #50).  Or CLICK HERE for instructions on getting the episodes manually!

GET ON OUR MAP!

Let's see how widespread retroCRUSH fans really are!  Click the map above and you can see the worldwide map of everyone that's checked in so far.  Add your own name and location with amazing ease.   

"HOLO" COST? $10!

Comic Book Holocaust 2—the spanking-new sequel to Comic Book Holocaust, published in Summer 2005—is a limited edition comic recently self-published by retroCRUSH's favorite artist Johnny Ryan, which will debut at 2005 Bazaar Bizarre L.A. (Dec. 11, 1-9pm). CBH collects 24 comic book parody strips Johnny has drawn into one gorgeous package, with a display-worthy three-color wraparound letterpress cover produced by Buenaventura Press. Only 200 copies were produced, and each copy is signed and numbered. Various ink colors and papers were used, the pic above is just one sample of what you might receive. (Better pic to come.) Please note that Johnny's last two parody books sold out extremely fast (and CBH I is nearly gone); also these are not available in stores. Only $10. 

CLICK HERE TO BUY YOURS

PSP UMD VIDEO WINNER 

Congratulations to Russell from Pennsylvania for winning our UMD Video Prize Package!  I'm so sorry you actually have to watch Universal Soldier now!

COOL FIREFLY LIGHTS!

Not too long ago, I was really missing how cool fireflies looked at night. They don't exist where I live anymore, so in desperation I turned to the internet to see if there was a way to order live fireflies, and release them in my backyard.  I figure one night of firefly magic might be worth it.  They're one of the great nostalgic things from my childhood that I wish I could have again.  Of course, fireflies can't survive a night in a glass jar, let alone UPS shipping, so I came up dry. 

What I did find, though, is a kickass company called Firefly Magic that sells sets of custom made LED lights that you can put in your yard and enjoy the same eerie firefly light effects every night of the year!  I got a solar powered set of 12 lights that I had fully installed within 30 minutes of taking them out of the box.  They're now one of my favorite things, as my friends and I love just staring at them in my backyard at night.  They have the same color and random pulsing pattern as the real thing.  I've got a short video of them in action that you can watch if you CLICK HERE. Give the fine folks at FIREFLY MAGIC a visit and check them out for yourself.  I can't think of a more unusual and rewarding gift you could give.

RETROCRUSH INTERVIEWS

Alison Arngrim TV's "Nellie Olesen" from Little House on The Prairie
Audrey Landers
Brandon Bird pop culture painter extraordinairre
Brian Cutler from TV's Isis
Bruce Campbell cult classic icon
The Chapman Brothers the creators of internet sensation Homestar Runner
Cindy Morgan from Tron and Caddyshack
David Teague Filmation studios animator
Dean Cameron Rockula & Summer School
Drew Curtis creator of FARK.com
Hank Garrett veteran character actor
Jack Hill exploitation film direcdtor
John Waters trash cinema god
Johnny Ryan Angry Youth Comix and Blecky Yuckeralla comic book artist
Judy Landers 80s icon and sex symbol
Keith Carradine star of stage and screen
Lana Wood Bond girl and sister of Natalie
Lance Kerwin James at 15 star
Lloyd Kaufman founder of Troma Pictures
Lydia Cornell Too Close for Comfort star
Nichelle Nichols Star Trek's Lt. Uhura
Paul Lekakis "Boom Boom Boom" singer
Pauly Shore 80s comedy icon
Princess Superstar bad girl rapper
Randy Johnson The Village People's cowboy
Ron Jeremy porn star god
Ruth Buzzi comedy icon
Sherwood Schwartz Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island creator
Stella Stevens actress & hostile interviewee
Susan Powter Stop The Insanity fitness icon
Tammy Faye scandal and cancer survivor
The Unknown Comic Gong Show staple
Tony Jaa Muay Thai Warrior
Tura Satana Faster Pussycat sex icon!

 

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