P
UNK BAGPIPES FOR SCOTTY

Scotty …
Many a great hero has passed
And certainly
Your vehicle was well used
But some heroes

Never go away
We simply won’t let them
Superman
Hawkman
Green Arrow
All came back from the beyond

And I believe
As morbid as it may seem
So too will Scotty
Reappear always
As the minds of all those fans
Never phase out
Forever locked in
On your groovy coordinates, baby
You were priceless
Amongst the highest royalty
Of characters that reached
Beyond the stars, amigo
You found the mystery switch
That turned us on
And we will never lose

The power
You shared with the universe
Which is simply

That crazy warm smile of yours
Shaking your fist at failing engines
And disrespectful Klingons
You were the original bomb
The atomic Kool-Aid
Of a generation
Waving goodbye
Sailing
Where so many others have traveled
And yet you, Scotty
James,
Mr. Doohan
I am positive
You, will find a way
To come full circle
And show the rest of us
Where we make that wrong turn
In space,
I once wrote a song about you, man
It was called: “Scotty Do Karate”
But I was kicked out of the band
Before we could ever bring it alive
I hope you can hear it now
In the psychic void …
Had crazy bagpipes wailing
Inside a mix of punk guitars
And happy drums beating
A song of the wild for you …
Doohan,
You were one of the keys
To the complex puzzle
Of why people
Love pop culture
And we will be
Eternally grateful

Until we see you again,
I salute you.


Bradley Mason Hamlin
brad@retrocrush.com

NAME THAT ALBUM COVER

Think you're an album cover expert?  Take our challenge!  If you can identify all 50 of the close-up detail pictures in our contest, you'll be entered in a drawing to win ALL THREE SEASONS of The Greatest American Hero on DVD! 

CLICK HERE FOR TO SEE THEM ALL AND TRY YO LUCK!

POINTLESS and TIRESOME
TIM BURTON'S WONKA REMAKE IS A BAD NUT

It's not like Willie Wonka And The Chocolate Factory is some untouchable classic film that should never have been remade. When Tim Burton was first connected with the project, many folks were intrigued by the darker take on the tale that was to be the expected product. And with Marilyn Manson as an early rumored choice to play the elusive Mr. Wonka, it sounded even more crazy. Personally, I wasn't all that keen on making a new Wonka film, but you had to trust that Johnny Depp could pull it off. The Burton/Depp combo is almost as foolproof as Scorsese/DeNiro. From Edward Scissorhands, to Ed Wood, they've made remarkable movies together, and with the exception of the Planet of the Apes, Burton has rarely had a mis-step. Ultimately, the remake curse strikes again, however, as Charlie and The Chocolate Factory is merely pointless.

CLICK HERE FOR THE REST OF THE REVIEW

CEREAL BOX TREASURE
BY BRADLEY MASON HAMLIN

Here's the thing, the key of why I love cereal: it's that irresistible sort of junky-gambler high as you open the cereal box, reach in and dig through that great smelling grain (and most likely sugar) until your fingers close around the prize and you pull out that little piece of treasure as if unearthing an ancient artifact from unknown and mysterious sands.

Crap, I have that one already you think, but that's okay, just a few bowls later and back at the store for another roll of the dice. Maybe this time you'll get the elusive Mickey Mouse toy rather than just another Timon, that annoying little meerkat from the Lion King. I can't say exactly what this obsessive compulsion is and I won't try. I can only relate the feeling, and the feeling is tied to mystery and an immediate sort of euphoria of discovery combined often with a letdown when you don't get the prize you're searching for, but if you're like me you've learned to immediately dismiss that feeling and go back to the hunt. One good rationalization is that if you accidentally stock up too much cereal you can feed the older stuff to the ducks in the park-and hey-that's just good family fun.

CLICK HERE FOR THE ENTIRE ARTICLE and a TON OF CEREAL BOX PIX

THE TOP TV SHOWS
THAT AREN'T ON DVD

One of the best things about the DVD format is that great TV shows from yesteryear get released in nice boxed sets that you might otherwise never see again.  Sure TVLAND or Comedy Central drudge up the classics from time to time, but they're often trimmed to jam more commercials and usually have the annoying network logo plastered all over it.  In recent months, sets I've been waiting a long time for like The Brady Bunch and The Partridge Family have been released, but there's many that have inexplicably remained in limbo, and don't show any signs of hitting stored anytime soon.  Here's a list of the Top 20 shows that deserve the DVD treatment.

CLICK HERE FOR THE ENTIRE FEATURE

H.G. Wells was a genius for sure.  It seems inconceivable that War of the Worlds, an exciting, horrifying, and truly groundbreaking tale of a Martian invasion of Earth, was written 107 years ago.  It's a story that's thrilled the world since its debut.  It's a story that drove the masses into hysteria in 1938 when Orson Welles tricked America with a dramatization of the classic disguised as an actual news broadcast.  And in the hands of Steven Spielberg, it's a story that makes one kickass edge of your seat adrenaline overdose that finally gets it right on the big screen.

CLICK HERE FOR THE ENTIRE REVIEW

"Ladies and gentleman, George Romero does not disappoint. I’ve seen most horror films ever made, and would consider my taste to be pretty discerning, and with only very minor nitpicks of the ending, I’d say Land of the Dead is a severed head slam dunk. It’s a perfect mix of horror, action, humor, and gore that’s so important in the recipe for a good zombie movie. And just when you thought you’d seen it all, there’s brand new gore effects that blew us away, and made a theater full of obvious hardcore splatter fans squeal and groan with lusty laughter and applause the whole film."

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THE REVIEW


LAND OF THE DEAD
FILM REVIEW BY GENE SISKEL

Hugnl...hrllll ughnnn?  Ughnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ahhhh ughhh uuuuuuuuhhhh mnrglthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhthhh!  Uhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Uhhh grghlthhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhh! Uhhhhhh!  NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!  Grraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagth!  nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ahhhh ughhh uuuuuuuuhhhh mnrglthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhthhh!  Uhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   uuuuuuuuhhhh mnrglthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhthhh!  Uhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Uhhh grghlthhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhh! Uhhhhhh!  NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH! hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Uhhh grghlthhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhh! Uhhhhhh!  NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!  Grraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagth!nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ahhhh ughhh aaaagth!nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ahhhh ughhh uuuuuuuuhhhh mnrglthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhthhh!  Uhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Uhhh grghlthhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhh! Uhhhhhh!  NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!  Grraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagth!  BRAINS!



retroCRUSH INTERVIEWS THE STAR OF FASTER PUSSYCAT, KILL! KILL!

Tura Satana is one of the sexiest, toughest ass-kickers to ever grace a movie screen.  Her role as Varla, the badass tough girl with out-of-this-world cleavage in Faster Pussycat, Kill! Kill! (which celebrates it's 40th Anniversary this year), is forever cemented as one of the greatest bad-girl roles in film history.  Had Uma Thurman's Bride character come across Tura during one of the Kill Bill films, she would have most certainly met her match. We got a chance to ask some hard-hitting questions of this sexy film legend, from her days as a burlesque dancer, to her relationship with Elvis Presley, and she didn't pull any punches with her answers!

HERE'S THE LINK FOR THE INTERVIEW, CLICK! CLICK!

MY SHORT CAREER AS A BLACK POET

Back in the early 90s, I was having fun going to open microphone poetry readings in Sacramento and generally making an ass of myself.  At one point, I jokingly submitted some work to an all-black poetry journal and was not only accepted, but they made "Brother Robert Berry" the centerpiece of that whole issue.  The whole experience was pretty funny, and that entire era really laid out the groundwork to get me writing about pop culture in the first place.

CLICK HERE TO READ THE REST OF THIS AMAZING TALE!

NEW retroCRUSH SHIRTS FOR SALE

Hey...it's about time we had some new t-shirt designs up for sale, and we're going to come back with a vengeance by offering THREE DIFFERENT MODELS for your purchasing pleasure. And because I got a ton of feedback and requests for some ladies-only models, we will happily oblige.  We really want folks to pre-order these today so you can be guaranteed the size you want!  CLICK THE LINK BELOW to see larger images of the shirts, and get your pre-order savings today!

CLICK HERE TO BUY YOUR retroCRUSH SHIRTS TODAY!


 

 

 

BANANAS GONE WILD!

CLICK HERE FOR HOT BANANA ACTION!

GET FREAKED!

At last! Alex Winter's underrated cult-classic comedy Freaked is finally coming out on DVD July 12th.  Where else can you see Mr. T as a Bearded Lady (Aside from my fantasies) We're giving away 2 copies to the retroCRUSH readers who can send us the ugliest picture they have of themselves (this should be easy for many of you).  The 2 ugliest pictures will win a Freaked DVD!  The 2 disc set is full of great audio commentary and extras, which we'll be reviewing here shortly.  In the meantime, email your entry to contests@retrocrush.com.  All entries must be accompanied with a written statement that you are the person depicted in the photo, your full name and address, and that you give retroCRUSH permission to reprint it.  GET YOUR FREAK ON!


CREATURE CREATURE CREATURE!
BRADLEY MASON HAMLIN REVIEWS THE ENTIRE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON TRILOGY!


(Butch Patrick audio interview, click to listen)


CLICK EACH MOVIE TO GET THE FULL REVIEW

"You already know what happens to these characters, so the only point of these stories is to come up with a compelling character study saga. Bad casting, bad writing, and bad directing kept that from happening."  CLICK HERE for the whole review

"I'm not exaggerating when I say that The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy deserves a seat at the same table as Monty Python's Quest For The Holy Grail, as one of the all time great adventure comedies." CLICK HERE for the whole review

"..taken right out of a universe where characters from a Mickey Spillane novel are allowed to run around unchained and uncensored...Sin City is relentless from beginning to end." CLICK HERE for the whole review

"If you are a monster and/or science fiction fan Matango is a must-see film—from the people who brought you no less than Godzilla himself." CLICK HERE for the whole review

"The best hobo-killing movie of all time!" CLICK HERE for the whole review

 

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