2005 is over and
not a moment too soon. We've been doing this since 2000 and I
can't think of a year where the bad outweighed the good to this
extent in quite a while. And of course, that's great news for
putting together a list of annoying things! Let's hope that
2006 will live up to this banner year of annoyingness.
UPDATE: Day 1 and the entry that's generating the most
hate mail is surprisingly...WIKIPEDIA! I'll admit that I use
it regularly and love it, but with several high profile stories
about bogus entries and celebrities editing their own items, I
thought it could use a good natured tweak.
The world’s best online encyclopedia…if you want to learn that
Bigfoot got Hitler pregnant in 1876 while writing The Little
House on The Prairie series and shooting JFK with a bullet made
out of Charles Lindbergh’s teeth.
When will people realize that making your face look like droopy
silly putty is hardly the most attractive cosmetic update? And what
kind of trial and error did doctor’s go through before they decided
to injecting botulism was a good idea?
98 ANN COULTER
I’ve got nothing against the woman’s politics, but that restraining
order she filed against me is way out of line. Sorry, Ann, but if
it’s in your garbage can it’s up for grabs!
In response to Hurricane Katrina, the website Something Awful raised
nearly $28,000 for the Red Cross. Paypal locked up the funds,
offered to give it to The United Way, and had to refund every single
donation instead of letting it go to its intended use.
96 FRED PHELPS
If this extreme homophobic Baptist preacher would read the original
Hebrew scripture more carefully, he might find the exact translation
of his favorite phrase is actually “God Hates Fred!”
Finally, a racist teenage singing group that’s too cute to hate!
Their strategy to have non-whites who listen to their music end
their misery by committing suicide might actually work!
94 ANNA NICOLE
Putting Anna on this list is a like saying lemons are sour. She
lost a ton of weight with TRIMSPA, but unfortunately her special
celebrity formula with souvenir razor blade and mirror isn’t
available to the general public.
A ludicrous movie about a parent who loses their annoying kid on an
airplane, and actually tries to find her! 8 hours of “Are We There
Yet-free travel” is the parental equivalent of flying first class.
Sure, it happened 2 years ago, but it still doesn’t make it suck any
less. Though he did an admirable acting job in Walk The Line,
Joaquin Phoenix is no substitute. Rock on, Johnny!
91 THE LOGO
How can they call themselves an all-gay cable channel without a
single “Golden Girls” rerun in their lineup?
90 ANNE RICE
Finally exhausting the vampire genre, she’s moved on to writing
books about 2000 year old zombies.
and AEON FLUX How
could two different films about hot chicks with guns be this boring?
Watching legions of undead corporate slaves walk around with these
cellular phone Borg implants hanging out of their ears is a sad
BUTTERWORTH’S SYRUP BOTTLES
Don’t believe the commercials. She won’t talk to you no matter how
rich, creamy, and buttery smooth you tell her she is.
Though I can understand paying $300 for a top of the line iPod, I
draw the line at paying $30 for iPod Socks to put them in! When
your iPod is dressed more warmly than some homeless guy, something’s
Getting advice on being a star from Paula Abdul is like getting
driving lessons from Lindsay Lohan.
Just when you think you’ve bought a nice version of your favorite
film on DVD comes the “Superbit Deluxe Gold Director’s Cut This Time
We Mean It’s The Ultimate Version” making yours obsolete.
83 #3 PENCILS Too
light for Scantron tests, too dark for drafting. Oh #3 pencil, why
hast thou forsaken me?
82 THE BLACK
These hacks are bigger sellouts than the XBOX 360. Please enjoy
their upcoming CD “Songs That Will Be Used to Advertise Crap” next
year. Also their song, "My Humps" rivals "Hollaback Girl" as
one of the year's most irritating. You know, if you have
lumps, you should really get a mammogram instead of bragging about
them in a song.
How this “alleged” child molester is allowed to walk the streets is
astounding. The only CD he’ll be on anytime soon is the Meagan’s
Law ROM at the local police station.
80 THE NBA
What better way to improve the NBA’s image by having the players
wear nice suits off the court? Ditching Ron Artest in the middle of
the Nevada desert would go a lot further to win the public over.
79 DOOM: THE
Why the never ending quest to make movies out of videogames? Before
long we’ll be watching Pong:The Motion Picture.
78 MY OBESSIVE
COMPULSIVE HABITS Did
I really lock my doors? I forgot to tell myself that I locked each
door out loud so I’ll remember that I actually did it. Or maybe the
memory of locking that door is just a dream and I really didn’t do
it. Why am I wasting time writing this while my iron is burning my
77 TV SHOWS
THAT AREN’T ON DVD
Sometimes I wonder if I really want to live in a world that releases
a “Charles in Charge” Season 1 boxed DVD set, but keeps “Batman” and
“WKRP In Cincinnati” in permanent legal limbo.
Because there just wasn’t enough room at Livejournal for
self-obsessed attention whores to show off to the world.
You knew his marriage to Renee Zellweger was in trouble when he
booked a honeymoon getaway to Brokeback Mountain.
74 NICK AND
1,000 years from now, archaeologists will look at our news
publications and figure that this celebrity duo must have been king
and queen of the world. Why anyone is interested in these empty
headed no-talent morons is a mystery to all mankind. I’m against
The Patriot Act, but I’d be willing to sacrifice our civil liberties
a bit to permit the government to put anyone who ever bought a
Jessica Simpson record on a special island and do some bomb
testing. Not only would you collectively increase the nation’s IQ,
but you’d stick it to Wal-Mart by getting rid of 80% of their
What good is crystal clear realistic television when you’re just
going to watch “Mind of Mencia” on it? Plus the high-def face of
Edward James Olmos should not be witnessed by any human being.
72 CEDRIC THE
Why hasn’t somebody sued him for false advertising yet?
The round the clock coverage of both sides of the argument of
whether or not to pull Shiavo’s feeding tube was shameful. A South
Park episode in which Kenny was on life support summed it up
perfectly…you can’t die with dignity with 8,000 cameras pointed at
How stupid do you have to be for this dope to pull a prank on you?
If he’s not a gay elf, I don’t’ want to see him in an action film!
Ridley Scott trading down from Russell Crowe to Orlando Bloom with
Kingdom of Heaven
movie is like recasting Spartacus
with Burt Ward.
The subversive, funny, and profitable Tech TV was dismantled and
merged into this horrible network, that paid $7 million for reruns
of “The Man Show” and has ratings so low, they’re frequently beaten
by The Dumont Network (If you get that joke, happy 75th
birthday to you!).
67 COREY CLARK
So you slept with Paula Abdul. Get in line, buddy!
STANDARDS FOR CELEBRITY STATUS
Remember when being a celebrity meant having something more than a
tryout for an Old Navy commercial on your resume?
65 STAR WARS
Though the entire “prequelogy” was a giant toy commercial, did
George Lucas really need to whore out his characters as Darth Tater
and toys of M&M’s dressed up like Chewbacca?
We’ve become a new nation of indentured servants, signing gigantic 2
year deals with ridiculously high early cancellation fees. All for
a shitty camera phone with Hillary Duff ring tones.
I’ll never understand the obsession with these skinny freakish
zombies. In comic books, you need special powers to be called
super. Apparently the power to live on a diet of cocaine and saliva
is enough for these gals to achieve that status.
62 50 CENT
Nothing says gangsta like your own flavor of Vitamin Water. Maybe
its better to die tryin’, after all.
When your religion gets an energy drink named after it, perhaps its
time to rethink your beliefs.
The literary world was treated to her tell all book as empty and
worthless as the author. You know you have issues when your
autobiography weighs more than you do. Hopefully this era of being
famous for being famous will be over soon.
Also known as “robo calls” these pre-recorded messages from
politicians and celebrities pollute answering machines across
America during election time. I never thought I’d see the day when
I missed telemarketing calls.
After 11 seasons and no deaths it’s time to up the ante on this
formulaic bore. CBS needs to spice things up and set the next
episode in Iraq.
Aside from the Weekend Update segment with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler,
the 2005 season is among the series’ worst. Sorry Lorne Michaels,
but I think its time for some new blood up top.
As if listening to Britney Spears’ CDs wasn’t bad enough, Sony put
virtually undetectable secret software on the disc and numerous
others in their catalog that rendered computers unfortunate enough
to play them susceptible to hacker attacks. Meanwhile Sony faces
speculation that their PS3 system will be released shortly after the
XBOX 720 comes out.
Spends tens of millions of cash strapped California’s dollars to
hold an election for special initiatives that “the people demanded”
only to see them overwhelmingly defeated at the polls. And despite a
bill he signed outlawing sex with corpses, he continues to share a
bed with Maria Shriver. Sorry, I should have listened to my wife
and left this joke out.
PRESIDENT VINCENTE FOX
Angered many with his remarks that Mexicans have to take jobs that
“not even blacks would want to do”. Of course his comment was off
base, ‘cause the number of Mexicans in the National Hockey League is
still rather low.
Not only are there some places in America where there are twin
Starbucks locations directly across the street from each other, but
their tactics of opening up next to local established coffee shacks
are making them the Wal-Mart of the hot beverage world. And damn if
I can remember their Venti to English size conversion chart when
ordering their drinks.
52 ALAN COLMES The
Ichabod Crane of the liberal media is hardly a formidable foil to
his overbearing and pompous partner Sean Hannity on their creatively
titled TV show, Hannity & Colmes.
51 DICK CHENEY
Not since Asslick Johnson has there been a more aptly named Vice
President in our country’s history.
can understand people with no singing talent getting record
contracts based on looks and sex appeal, but Ashlee Simpson doesn’t
even have that going for her. It makes you wonder if someone at her
record company lost a bet.
LEAGUE BASEBALL How
can anyone get excited about this league full of cheating,
corruption, and abuse. Hey! It really is America’s sport!
After having her breasts digitally reduced by Disney for the new
Herbie movie, she had them reduced for real by using one of those
wacky “stop eating stuff” diets.
MAKOVER: HOME EDITION You
know, it doesn’t seem like building an $800,000 dream homes for a
family who’s father lost his job as a professional rope skipper
because he twisted his ankle is the best use of resources to help
out America’s neediest people.
MORRIS ANTI-SMOKING ADS
Really want kids to stop smoking? Stop showing commercials with
kids saying how uncool it is, and have Bea Arthur in a thong smoking
a pack of Newports exclaiming how cool cigs really are. Either
that, or stop making cigarettes.
45 TOP 100
When VH1 runs The 100 Wackiest Left Handed Chinese Bass Players,
perhaps its time to rethink this whole Top 100 countdown thing.
44 BABY BRATZ
Not satisfied with making dolls of teenagers that look like hookers,
we now have slutty toddler figures for the kids to enjoy. I knew it
was a mistake putting Michael Jackson on Hasbro’s Board of
Watching “celebrities” like that redhead lady from Suddenly Susan
and “that guy who was in that show about those guys” play bad poker
makes for some of the most horrible television ever broadcast.
CLICK HERE TO BUY THIS KICKASS BEAR
Their era of usefulness is over. Plus, woe be to he who forgets
what type it is!
41 ENZYTE ADS
When a guy has trouble getting erections, he should deal with it the
old fashioned way and buy a new Hummer.
It saddens me to think there’s people who were actually looking
forward to see Deuce Bigelow: European
During the opening weekend, it opened at #48 and was outgrossed by
an art film of Jm. J. Bullock playing solitaire.
39 FOX NEWS
President Bush could drive a flaming van full of babies off a cliff
and FOX would find a way to spin it as a liberal attack on family
38 SIX FLAGS
Is there such a shortage of real old guys that Six Flags has to use
this latex makeup appliance covered freak in their commercials?
Sometimes it just seems better to complain about the root cause of
36 ADULT HARRY
Harry Potter is a fine series to read…when you’re twelve years old!
Actually I just put this here to see how much hate mail I’ll get
from stupid people who just skim read the list. I actually enjoy
reading the books and wish J.K. Rowling was my Sugar Mommy.
SERVICE VOICE RESPONSE LINES
Not content with letting you push buttons, most company service
numbers require you to shout out answers to a menu of options that
make you feel like you’re in some corporate responsive prayer
meeting. “Wait a minute…I think you said, ‘Yuck Foo’…is that
SPEARS and KEVIN FEDERLINE The
worst of the vapid celebrity couples out there. From their stupid
reality show, to the non stop tabloid coverage of their
relationship, I’ve had enough.
One of my biggest laughs of the year was hearing that a local film
critic shouted “If I have to watch one more movie with that ugly no
talent buck toothed Jack-O-Lantern, I’m going to scream!” I think
she’s a fine enough actress, but she’s managed to guest star in
every single film of the year. It doesn’t seem possible, but I
think I even saw her in my 1987 high school graduation video.
ABOUT GIANT SIZED FAMILIES
I just don’t get the fascination with movies like Cheaper
By The Dozen 2
and the not to be outdone 18 kid remake of Yours, Mine, and
Look for Disney’s upcoming, Sweet Lord, My Uterus Exploded!
(starring Dakota Fanning, of course) to come out next summer.
When did America become so feeble that it needed to chug down high
caffeine ginseng guarana voodoo juice sodas to stay awake? I recall
a fonder time when all a lad needed to stay up all night was a cup
of coffee and trucker pills.
30 DAVID LEE
ROTH AND EDDIE VAN HALEN For
the good of all mankind, would you two jerks make up and record some
music together again?
year long commercial for how good his show is going to be once he
moves to satellite radio was tedious indeed. Here’s hoping he lives
up the hype.
He single-handedly torpedoed one of TV’s funniest shows for no
apparent reason. Apparently having 50 people shout, “I’m Rick
James, Bitch!” in your face every day takes its toll.
27 E HARMONY
FOUNDER DR. E CLARK WARREN
Watching this creepy fellow hawk his online dating service is like
hearing your grandpa talk about how hot grandma is.
THANKSGIVING NEWS BROADCASTS
This just in…airports are crowded, and traffic is really bad on
Thanksgiving Day! British Parliament could get nuked on that day,
and the story would still follow this insipid coverage.
Record profits for all the companies while prices mysteriously
increase across the country. OK, I’m just bitter because I
accidentally drove away from a pump with the nozzle still in my tank
TWICE this year.
After getting his ass kicked by Jon Stewart on CNN’s Crossfire last
year, he’s been relegated to a little watched show on MSNBC. I’m
not making this up, a few weeks ago I skimmed past his show and saw
him talking to a chimpanzee. Though it may have been Bob Novak, now
that I think about it.
Every religion has a bit of the hard to believe associated with it,
but Scientology takes the cake. Imagine spending tens of thousands
of dollars to work your way up into their program (salvation through
cash) to learn that 75 million years ago, an evil space demon named
Xenu enslaved aliens in a Hawaiian volcano (even though the island
hadn’t been formed yet) and all of our problems are a result of
their ghosts that are trapped within our body.
Minority comedians making fun of their own ethnicity is a time
honored tradition made famous by Richard Pryor and Cheech and Chong.
But the way that “Carlos Mencia” (who
according to fellow comedian Joe Rogan is a German/Honduran hack
named Ned Holness) gets away with making fun of “beaners” on his stupid
Comedy Central show “Mind of Mencia” just blows my mind.
It’s one thing to look the other way if a celebrity you like strays
from honor once or twice, but what kind of world do Michael Jackson
fans live in where they think this guy is great? The only folks
stupider were on the jury that acquitted him. Let’s hope those
rumors of his launching a “Jesus Juice” white wine label aren’t
From the wacky blathering right wing shows to the insipid conspiracy
laden paranoia-fests from the left, political talk radio has become
completely unlistenable. How is it so hard to believe that a
country that makes “Dancing With The Stars” a #1 show, could have
simply put Bush in office for a second term by voting for him? And
the conservative shows’ continued blame of all things bad on Clinton
and Carter has become laughable.
Only Eva Longoria’s character is an actual housewife, and her
husband was in jail for half the season. And Teri Hatcher’s
character is one of the most unwatchably stupid women to ever appear
18 TOM DELAY I
thought politicians this corrupt only existed in Dick Tracy comic
Whoops! The yellow dye in those LIVESTRONG bracelets causes
cancer. Sorry, folks!
16 FORMER FEMA
HEAD MIKE BROWN
While the Hurricane Tragedy was on TV nonstop for 4 days, Brown
actually tried to pass off the BS line that he only learned about
the extent of the damage after that point. There hasn’t been a guy
more unqualified for the job since Don Adams worked as a spy on “Get
15 LARRY THE
Some of the redneck comedians are funny in doses, but this
spokesperson for Deliverance extras who isn’t really named Larry, or
from the South, is just an embarrassment to humanity. SHUT-R-UP!
14 CAR MAGNETS
Cause nothing says patriotism than ribbon shaped flags. Every time
you stick one of these on your car, you’re sticking it to
13 PEOPLE WHO
WALK DOWN THE STREET EATING PEANUT BUTTER AND DON'T WATCH WHERE THE
FUCK THEY'RE GOING!
If I bump in to one more of these assholes while I'm trying to enjoy
my chocolate bar, I'm going to go nuts!
Just because she worked as a puppet on "Mister Rogers Neighborhood"
for decades doesn’t mean she’s qualified to serve on the highest
court in the land.
The extent in which this plastic empty souled waste of space
continues to get crammed down our throats is mind-boggling. Ha! I
said “crammed down our throats” and “Paris Hilton” in the same
I liked this song better the first time, when it was called “Hey
Mickey!”, but it’s about the best song featuring fecal matter and
bananas since Lobo’s ‘70s hit “Me and You And a Shitty Banana Named
BRIDE, JENNIFER WILBANKS
After concocting a fake kidnap story to get out of a wedding,
Jennifer Wilbanks’ bug-eyed face became the most frightening image
on TV since The X-Files was canceled.
8 BIRD FLU
Frankly, they’ve crapped on my car one too many times, so I’m all
far it! Watch for Fred Phelps’ extreme followers to explain that
this is God’s punishment for gay birds.
7 RACIST FLOOD
While much was made about the black “looters” and white “gatherers”
in the media’s coverage of the Katrina flooding, why wasn’t there
any outcry about the unfair portrayal of failed lesbians as the
source of the flooding? And calling them “dykes” on national TV was
You’d think we’d ended the War in Iraq or elected a new Pope with
the level of attention Martha’s release from prison got.
If this guy would put just 10% of the energy he spends being a prima
donna into just shutting up and playing the game, he’d be one of the
greatest football players of all time. As it stands, he’s about
ready for a career of celebrity poker with Dennis Rodman.
DYNAMITE T-SHIRTS I think it's time to impeach Pedro.
3 ARUBA KIDNAP
VICTIM, NATALEE HOLLAWAY The
media was never more racist than it's coverage of the missing white
Alabama teen. News channels covered her disappearance round the
clock, while Hispanic woman Carmen Sandiego remains missing with no
media attention whatsoever.
2 TOM CRUISE
Tom Cruise is completely sane, virile, exhibits self control, is a
member of a totally rational non-cult religion, does not eat babies,
and does not use mind control to trick Hollywood starlets into
carrying the seed of space-demons.
They proved to be a bit inconvenient this year, to say the least.
Hopefully next year’s deadly locust plagues and rivers of blood will
help put it all behind us once and for all.
I did a special
Sacramento's 10 Most Annoying Things of 2005 for the Sacramento News
CLICK HERE to check 'em out!
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