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REMEMBERING THE WORST TO BEST
HALLOWEEN CANDY TREATS

It’s Halloween time again and we all know what that means CANDY! Yes, maybe you’re older now and enjoy a nice prune cake or some other old person junk for a sweet treat, but we all at one time loved the sugary high of Halloween night. Here's a list of the good and the bad Halloween candy I got while Trick or treating last year as a kid. Hope it brings back a few good memories for you too.

At the bottom of the list has to be Candy Corn. The waxy sugar is like something pulled out of Willie Wonka’s ear. Next in line is the peppermint or spearmint flavored starlight mints. Wow, a candy you got for free after a big meal at a restaurant! I usually got them from an old person who thought they were good.

Another crap candy for me was Boston Baked Beans. YUCK! It tastes like burnt peanuts covered in a bumpy, tobacco sugar cocoon. They also instantly reminded me of the rat turds I once accidentally ate in a box of cereal. Honesty, they both pretty much taste the same. Another old person favorite is the Werther’s original butter flavor hard candy. Oh joy, a yummy butter flavored candy. Great to know they’ve been making bad candy like this for over 100 years. How about the pumpkin shaped Candy Corn? New shape - same crappy flavor! The wax lips were funny to wear once, then what do you do? Chew the wax into a candle?

With Red Hots maybe it was me, but little red pills of hot sugar were not my favorite. There were even some cheap assholes who would throw them loose into my pillowcase. You’d find them on the bottom all sticky and covered with lint.

You can’t forget the homemade Candy or Caramel Apple that occasionally got thrown into your bag too. There’s no way your parents were going to allow you to eat that. It was considered a dangerous treat that could have razor blades inside ready to slice your lips off with the first bite.

Can anyone tell me what was up with the smarty micro lollipops? Could they be any smaller? It looked like someone else licked them down and put the wrapper back on. They had a lot of flavors, but they all tasted the same. To this day I imagine it is the flavor of saliva.

Ah, the delicious Pixie Stick, a paper tube full of flavored sugar. I’d eat six or more and bounce off the walls for awhile. If you eat enough you can start to see Pixies. No way was I going to miss out on that sugary sweet goodness. I would also list the Necco wafers here. They where ok, but had no taste. My mom and uncle would always get nostalgic and remember when they played Holy Communion with them. Wow, those where the days huh? The candy is so old maybe they should change the name to Necro Wafers. 

Many times I got gum thrown into my pillowcase. Sometimes it was a single gumball. Wow, don’t break the bank Bill Gates. What cheap fucks give you one or two hollow gum balls?

 

I remember getting Dubble Bubble and Bazooka Joe too. Not bad if you got a handful, but by the time the rock hard gum was chewable the flavor was gone. If you were lucky you might get full packs of Bubble Yum, Double Mint, Big Red or Juicy Fruit gum. They where ok, but I never figured out what the hell the Juicy Fruit flavor is suppose to be...homosexual? Let’s not forget Razzles, the candy that became gum, yeah gum with no flavor. Many times I’d put the entire pack into my mouth and open my jaw so wide to chew it would start to ache, but the Razzles STILL had no flavor!

Then there were the Taffies like Wacky Taffy or the Now or Later candies. They where good, but not the stuff Halloween dreams are made of. The Jolly Ranchers candy pieces where a nice treat, especially the watermelon, sour apple, and grape. I love these flavors so much that when I go out to drink at a bar I try to order drinks that taste exactly like them. I had friends that liked the fire styx flavor, but I’m too gringo for that. Plus, many times when I did attempt to eat the fire styx I imagine that’s what my mouth would feel like while I'm burning in hell. If you lucked out you got the person that gave out the big Jolly Rancher sticks. Jackpot!

In this league of candy were the Lemon Heads and Alexander the Grape in the little boxes. They where stuff you took to school to eat at recess or to trade for other candy with your friends. The Spree colored sugar disks and Sweet Tarts are in this class too. Bite ‘em for the sweet tang. I remember a few times actually getting a puckered mouth and sores on the inside of my lips from the sour sugary taste of these candies. Bottle caps are also in this category, the best one being the root beer caps. Oh yeah!

Then there’s the tasty Mike and Ike in a fruit jelly hard candy shell and the evil Good n' Plenty black licorice filled bits of chalk. To this day I like Mike & Ike's so much that I can buy a jumbo pack from the dollar store and finish the whole box within an hour. I think another root canal or two is well worth the pleasure of eating a box of Mike & Ike’s.

Up the food chain there are the full sized lollipops like Charmes and Blow Pops. No not lollipops made of Cocaine, but gum inside a candy shell. The king of lollipops is the Tootsie Pop. How many licks? Go ask the owl if you don’t know sucka! The Tootsie Roll was a nice chocolate treat, the bigger the better. I once got the big eight inch full sized ones. I was in chocolate turd heaven.

The ring pop was fun, but I would never wear mine in public. I thought they made you look girlie, but I’d eat them in secret in the house. For the aspiring musician there’s the Whistle Pop! Blow that lollipop you cool cat! The lifesavers in the cute mini rolls are good and if you lucked out you might get a regular sized roll.

Junior Mints and Raisinettes are next. They have some chocolate and are tasty. I like the mint blast you get out of eating a whole little box at once and then breathing in with your mouth. Whoa, you can feel it in your sinuses! The Sugar Baby and Sugar Daddy candies were good, but man did that shit stick to your teeth! My grandma once pulled out her dentures that way when they stuck to her fake teeth. So much for Poly-Grip and forget them.

The Bit O’ Honey was most excellent if you like the honey sweet flavor. Another favorite is Starburst. Many times I got them single wrapped, like some cheap bastard just bought a few packs and opened them up to give away. They were hard to open, but the strawberry flavor was the bomb!

Mini Skittles bags allow you to enjoy a sugary rainbow treat! Then there’s the rabbit turd Milk Duds. What a bad name for a candy. They should have gone with Milk Stud or something. I believe Ron Jeremy's nickname is that for other reasons.

The goobers are well named if you’re a goober! The Whoppers malted milk balls were a nice chocolate crunch. One time I got them mixed up with my grandma’s Moth Balls and the weird thing is they tasted exactly the same. You might have gotten the chocolate coins leftover from last years Hanukkah and some Jewish family bought them in bulk so they could use them for Halloween too. Let’s not forget the cheap ass Brach candy, like the foil wrapped wax chocolate disks.

The Hershey's kiss were hard to open, but had a good chocolate taste. With the little Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, my uncle would eat them all up when he’d "check my candy for poison and razor blades!" Next, were little Hershey Bars. The dark chocolate was a little bitter, but so good.

Mr. Goodbar and the Krackel bar (I heard they are going to stop making the Krackel so now you only have the Nestle Crunch Bar to satisfy your puff rice and chocolate fix?) At this level any chocolate bar like Kit Kats, Oh Henrys, and Snickers are all good. The Three Musketeers are kind of an air filled rip off. Baby Ruth bars were good or Mounds and Almond Joy if you felt like a nut or not. Maybe a full size Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup or a full size bar of any size was like getting a million bucks. You’d tell all your friends the house where you could find the big bar! Of course the real trick of a treat for us adults is dropping in chocolate ex-lax re-wrapped in candy bar wrappers for that not so nice neighbor kid who lives next door. Go ahead and try it. I guarantee it’ll put a smile on your face this Halloween.

Well, this was a nice diabetic trip down candy lane, but looking back I’m surprised I have any teeth left in my head! Have a great Halloween and remember to eat lots of your favorite candy treats, but watch out for the razor blades and rat poison!

-Steve Graf
stevegraf@hotmail.com
-Randy Waage
randy@retrocrush.com

 

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