I’ve often been asked about my fascination
with skulls & crossbones, buried treasure, wenches, grog, island atmosphere,
sailing the high seas, and of course, pirates—and I suppose my natural reaction
has always been surprise.
What do
you mean—you don’t like bloody swords and peg legs? What’s not to love? However,
I believe popular culture has reflected back to us that we, both children and
adults, do by and large, have a longstanding adoration for at least the “golden
era” of piracy—where all those wonderful (and often true) clichés come from.
The pirate at Halloween is a standard, a classic.
What man wouldn’t want to drink rum with a right curvy lady in a sexy pirate
costume?
The Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland
is hands down the best amusement park ride ever—and a kick-booty movie to boot,
yes?
Anyway, the easy answer to the question of: “Why
pirates?” is that the fantasy of piracy seduces us with its apparent landscape
lacking “rules.” Ironically, that’s the same excuse I give for: “Why do so many
people write poetry?” They think poetry doesn’t include a set of laws, so they
scribble out a bunch of nonsense and think they’ve reinvented genius. Obviously
we can’t rob, pillage, and plunder (all of these words basically mean the same
thing) openly in society—or we’ll be punished. But in the fantasy world of the
pirate—these things are normal and even expected.
You do what you want; you take what you want.
Sound horrible?
Maybe that’s why so many people are in pirate
denial.
But truly, this sort of pirate envy is no
different than the idolization of movie “slasher” psychos. You may love to hate
the bad guy in a slasher flick, but you ain’t going to that movie to see the bad
acting performed by the other players.
Primarily, you’re there to get your fix of
murder.
So, what’s wrong with us?
Nothing. Not really. I believe it’s healthy to
vicariously relate to horror, rather than say, use a fright flick as a learning
manual of mayhem. Of course this love of witnessing the kill goes back to the
premise of “doing what you want.” The psychotic killer is fascinating because he
or she just doesn’t give a shit for the rules of society. If they want to kill
somebody, it’s hello, here’s an ax in your face.
Let’s
face it, somewhere inside all of us is one of those monsters wanting to get out
and take a whack at somebody. The fact that these internal (hopefully not so
external) feelings can be portrayed in a creative medium is a good thing and not
a destructive thing. But what about those skulls & crossbones? Do pirate lovers
have a death wish as well?
Consider this. Inside all of us is in fact one of
those real monsters that represents the big sleep itself, death in form of: the
skeleton. We wake up with a skeleton. We walk around with our crossbones all
day, and we go to bed with our very own personal Grim Reaper. So, again,
acknowledging the existence of this creature inside us, and not suppressing that
acquaintance, seems healthy to me. When you’re waving your Jolly Roger—death
becomes an adventure, rather than just a cruel fate pressed against us all from
birth, with the scythe falling against our necks, when? We don’t know.
That’s some scary data to roam around with
everyday.
Isn’t it better to collect your gold coins and
look at life with at least one eye open, while the other of course is patched,
because ye were fighting with a demonic crocodile, arrrrr. Or a bottle of groggy
grog. Ye must live, me hearties (friends, shipmates). Ye must gather your
plunder while ye may—because Grim is out there—and he’ll punch your ticket just
as soon as steal your girlfriend.
So, you say, I haven’t learned dick about pirates
reading thus far. What’s the gag? What’s with all this psychological mumbo?
THE COMPLETE COVER GALLERY of EC COMICS' SHORT
LIVED "PIRACY" COMIC BOOK
All right, well, for those of you too lazy to
look up pirates in your local library. Here be some pirate facts for ye:
Motley attire: Pirates often wore some pretty crazy clothing. Why? They used a
lot of different types of garments stolen from a variety of ships, therefore,
they often had mix-matched outfits. Besides, Nordstrom was closed to most
pirates due to that whole plundering thing, and a serious lack of washing in
most cases.
Pirate weapons of the lesser-known variety!
Stink pots: A stink pot is a clay pot filled with
stinky tidbits like sulfur, fish heads, garbage, and Celine Dion cds. Pirates
would throw these stench bombs on the deck of a ship to mortify and freak out
their victims.
Grape shot: You take a handful of cast iron
balls, wrap them in canvas, and throw them in the face of your victim. Arrr,
that smarts!
Tomahawks: Yep, pirates loved to throw tomahawks
at people! Now you don’t have to exclusively and prejudicially associate this
weapon with those guys wearing feathers in their hair on TV.
Grenades: Pirates liked to throw an early type of
grenade or bomb. You take a hallowed-out cast iron ball, (or clay if your
Captain’s cheap), add gunpowder and a fuse, light it, and throw it at your boss.
Crossbows: Thunk! Aiiieeee!
Ball & chain shot: Two cannonballs connected with
an iron chain, used to shoot holes in ship’s rigging. A favorite of Martha
Stewart.
Aside from the above, of course pirates loved
flint-lock pistols, other guns and rifles of all kinds, cutlasses, other swords
and knives of all kinds, axes, spears, and insults such as: scalawag, and your
mama wears combat boots.
Cool pirate lingo!
Booty: Dat’s yer pirate treasure. My pirate
treasure’s called Nicky’s booty.
Broadside: When you simultaneously fire all your
guns (preferably cannons) at the side of a ship you’re attacking—you are
“broadsiding” that ship.
Buccaneer: Hunters of oxen and wild pigs! These
guys from the West Indies were so wild, when they became pirates, the term
“buccaneer” became synonymous with “pirating.”
Bumboo: Rum, water, sugar, and nutmeg. Beware
mateys, causes hangovers.
Davy Jones’s Locker: Davy Jones is an evil
spirit, living at the bottom of the sea—waiting for you! He is also that cute
little English guy from The Monkees.
Grog: Rum and water! Serve chilled in a carved
out coconut with party umbrella. Yum!
Land ho!: A traditional term for a streetwalking
hooker—or that’s what pirates said when they were out to sea and saw land.
Salmagundi or Solomon Grundy: Basically a salad
made of fish, turtle meat, herbs, and spiced wine. Note: Be sure to consume a
goodly portion of grog first.
Well, enough of that scurrilous banter, here’s
one of me favorite sea shanties entitled:
DRUNKEN SAILOR
Way, hay up she rises,
Way, hay, up she rises,
Way, hay, up she rises,
Early in the morning!
What will we do with the drunken sailor?
What will we do with the drunken sailor?
What will we do with the drunken sailor?
Early in the morning?
Put him in the scuppers with the hosepipe on him
Hoist him aboard with a running bowline
Put him in the brig until he’s sober.
Make him turn to at shining bright work.
I could always relate to “Drunken Sailor” while
sailing the grand ocean of the early 1980s in the United States Navy, but “Blow
the Man Down” I had issues with.
Here be some famous pirates for ye!
Blackbeard (Edward Teach): The most famous of the
Caribbean pirates! He liked to light his beard on fire, etc. Look ‘im up,
kiddies. Look ‘im up!
Captain Kidd (William Kidd): This scurvy dog was
what is known as a “privateer.” Privateers were hired by the English government
to go out and capture or kill other pirates.
Eddie Crossbones: Eddie Crossbones is a pirate
who became cursed to live the life immortal as a walking, talking skeleton. In
the 21st century he joined Mystery Island’s Secret Society as a metaphysical
crime fighter known as: Eddie Crossbones the Living Skeleton!
Edward England: This bilge rat was the pirate
most famous for flying an actual skull & crossbones Jolly Roger. There were many
variations on this theme, but his is essentially the classic bone flag we
associate with pirates.
Jack Sparrow: Captain of the Black Pearl and one
of the ugliest pirates west of the Mississippi delta.
Well, fellow travelers, I fear I’m all out of grog and bumboo and me wife is
about to make me walk the plank. Fare thee well, and don’t forget, when you’re
feeling bluer than the ocean’s bottom belly, you can always sing this little
ditty from 1967. I think it’ll make ya feel better. I know it helps me.
“We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot.
Drink up me ‘earties, Yo Ho!
We kidnap and ravage and don’t give a hoot.
Drink up me ‘earties, Yo Ho!
Yo Ho, Yo Ho! A pirate's life for me.”
Well, I reckon you can look up (and pirate) the rest of the lyrics your own
self, so we don’t run into a broadside of copyright infringement.
“A Pirate’s Life For Me” was written by Xavier
Atencio and composer George Bruns in 1967 exclusively for the Disneyland Pirates
of the Caribbean ride.
Avast mateys. I got nothing else to say. I’m dead tired and as they say, dead
men tell no tales.
Let’s
face it, somewhere inside all of us is one of those monsters wanting to get out
and take a whack at somebody. The fact that these internal (hopefully not so
external) feelings can be portrayed in a creative medium is a good thing and not
a destructive thing. But what about those skulls & crossbones? Do pirate lovers
have a death wish as well?
