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THE WORST CHRISTMAS SONG OF ALL TIME

 

I can think of no song more wretched than Paul McCartney's 1979 holiday themed seizure, "Wonderful Christmas Time".  It's not just the worst Christmas song, and worst video, but it may be one of the most awful songs ever recorded, to boot.

I love how the video shows 15 different musicians, but all we hear is that shitty keyboard music and Linda McCartney shaking sleigh bells. It even features Paul strumming away on a guitar, but I can't for the life of me hear one guitar note in the entire song.

Seriously, that keyboard is one of the most annoying accompaniments ever captured on audio.  It sounds like some drunk with hammers for fingers on some used Casio that Paul found at a thrift store.  Those echo effects that kick in make me want to shove candy canes into my ears to make the pain stop.

And if the song weren't bad enough, the video is chock full of effects so cheezy they make Xanadu look like Peter Jackson's finest work.  Yeah, nothing says Christmas like random pink jewels and sparkly people making out in space.

There's a particularly disturbing scene where two Paul McCartneys sing to each other with a bonfire burning between their faces. Just like the very first Christmas!

The video moves on to Paul and friends wandering the streets and spray painting Merry XMAS on a Muslim family's home.  Don't worry, it's not offensive if you spell it "XMAS"!

They sing the chorus "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time" nearly 666 times, suggesting they are trying to open a portal for Satan to return to the world, or as some sort of positive affirmation to make them believe they really are having a good time, despite the bored looks on everyone's faces.

Though I don't believe his soon to be ex wife Heather Mills deserves the $250 million in spousal support she seeks, I feel that anyone who's ever had to suffer through this yuletide abortion should at least get a fat check from Sir Paul as a Christmas gift.

NOTE: I am so sorry to have offended anyone by the comments about Parkinson's Disease and The Special Olympics in the original version of this article.  In my efforts to be funny, I took a mean spirited approach that wasn't intended to insult anything except this song.

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com

 

A CLOSE SECOND
"CHRISTMAS SHOES"

 

Holy cow!  This one is pretty damn horrible, too!  I was discussing this with several of the cool folks in the Something Awful Forums, and had to see it to believe it.  Basically we have a kid who's mom is dying so his dad sends him to the shoe store to BEG FOR FREE SHOES so his mom can look pretty when she meets Jesus! 

Got any other suggestions?  Email them to rberry@retrocrush.com and we'll add 'em!

 

 

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