I can think of no song more wretched
than Paul McCartney's 1979 holiday themed seizure, "Wonderful
Christmas Time". It's not just the worst Christmas song, and
worst video, but it may be one of the most awful songs ever recorded,
I love how the video shows 15
different musicians, but all we hear is that shitty keyboard music
and Linda McCartney shaking sleigh bells. It even features Paul
strumming away on a guitar, but I can't for the life of me hear one
guitar note in the entire song.
Seriously, that keyboard is one of the
most annoying accompaniments ever captured on audio. It sounds
like some drunk with hammers for fingers on some used Casio that Paul found at a thrift store.
Those echo effects that kick in make me want to shove candy canes
into my ears to make the pain stop.
And if the song weren't bad enough,
the video is chock full of effects so cheezy they make Xanadu look
like Peter Jackson's finest work. Yeah, nothing says Christmas
like random pink jewels and sparkly people making out in space.
There's a particularly disturbing
scene where two Paul McCartneys sing to each other with a bonfire
burning between their faces. Just like the very first Christmas!
The video moves on to Paul and friends
wandering the streets and spray painting Merry XMAS on a Muslim
family's home. Don't worry, it's not offensive if you spell it
They sing the chorus "Simply Having A
Wonderful Christmas Time" nearly 666 times, suggesting they are
trying to open a portal for Satan to return to the world, or as some
sort of positive affirmation to make them believe they really are
having a good time, despite the bored looks on everyone's faces.
Though I don't believe his soon to be
ex wife Heather Mills deserves the $250 million in spousal support
she seeks, I feel that anyone who's ever had to suffer through this
yuletide abortion should at least get a fat check from Sir Paul as a
NOTE: I am so sorry to have
offended anyone by the comments about Parkinson's Disease and The
Special Olympics in the original version of this article. In my
efforts to be funny, I took a mean spirited approach that wasn't
intended to insult anything except this song.
Holy cow! This one is pretty
damn horrible, too! I was discussing this with several of the
cool folks in the Something Awful Forums, and had to see it to
believe it. Basically we have a kid who's mom is dying so his
dad sends him to the shoe store to BEG FOR FREE SHOES so his mom can
look pretty when she meets Jesus!