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THE 100 MOST ANNOYING THINGS OF

Another year and another list of things that bugged the crap out of us.  We've been doing this for six years, and our crack team of annoying specialists have uncovered a virtual bushel and peck of mind bendingly awful items for your annoying pleasure.

100 The “Left Behind” Videogame
You get to kill people who don’t convert to Christi
anity. What happened to the good old fashioned games where you just ran over hookers and shot cops? 

99 Tim Allen

Just stop making movies, please.  You stopped being funny when…you started making movies. Because of Geneva Convention rules, they won't even show The Santa Clause 3 at Guantanamo Bay.

 

98 United 93

What a depressing movie. No mile high sex scenes or snakes during the entire film.

 

97 Batwoman

DC comics reintroduced Batwoman as a lesbian in 2006, completely ignoring her historical past as a tranny.

 

96 Audrey Hepburn Gap Commercials

What's next, bringing Steve McQueen back from the dead to sell cars?

 

95 Connie Chung

Performed on top of a piano wearing a slinky dress on the final episode of her news show making a mockery of the sterling reputation her husband worked so hard to earn.

 

94 Miami Vice The Movie

Let's remake a classic '80s TV show with absolutely nothing from the original series within. You know a movie sucks when you actually wish Phillip Michael Thomas was in it.

 

93 Basic Instinct 2
With all the celebrity crotch shots available for free on the internet, who wanted to pay $10 to see Sharon Stone’s again?

 

92 Making Fun of Easy Targets Just To Get Hate Mail

Some websites like to attack overly sensitive groups just to get laughable hate mail in response. Sure, finding things to ridicule about Scientologists, Juggalos, Furries, Hentai fans, and The Irish is like shooting fish in a barrel, but it's just an easy way out. And when is PETA going to do something about these assholes that shoot fish in a barrel, anyway?

 

91 Madonna

Madonna's plan to adopt new backup dancers is so transparent.

 

90 Uwe Boll

The world's shittiest film director proved his critics wrong by challenging webmasters to boxing matches.  But maybe he's onto something. Time to activate "Project Insult Jenna Jameson!"

 

89 Elisabeth Hasselbeck

The former Survivor all-star's only purpose on The View is to make Rosie O'Donnell look like the smart one.

 

88 Botox

Heads up, ladies! There's not a guy in the world that thinks your freakishly bloated wrinkle free face looks good. And guys, see #76 on this list.

 

87 Fauxhawks

Mohawks for people that want to show that they're edgy, but still need an exit plan if it doesn't work out. Fauxhawks are the clip-on ties of the punk rock world.

 

86 Perez Hilton

He built an empire out of drawing crude fart scribblings on celebrity paparazzi pictures.  I'm just annoyed that I didn't think of it first.

 

85 Late Night News Teasers

”Find out what neighborhood street is going to blow up at 10PM, Tonight at 11!”

 

84 The Second Coming of The Messiah
How screwed up does the world have to get for him to come back?  I'm giving him until the end of '07, then I'm settling for Oprah.    

 

83 Taylor Hicks

If this is the best singer America can come up with in a nationwide talent search, it's time to just give up on new music forever. It's as if someone threw Kenny Rogers and Air Supply into a blender, then threw what little talent was there away and kept the hair and awkward dancing.

 

82 Nancy Pelosi

Perhaps if America knew they were putting The Crypt Keeper just two heartbeats away from The Presidency, the November election results would have been a little different.

 

81 Kid Rock

Pam Anderson gave her the best weeks of her life, and he screwed up a perfect marriage.  Luckily the prenuptial agreement still gives Rock half of her Hepatitis C.

 

80 David Chappelle

The lost episodes of The Chappelle Show were funny and made us miss him even more.  The only comedian currently working in America that actually got more successful for using the N word.

 

79 Justin Timberlake

Just when the sexy got put away, this joker has to bring it back.

 

78 Nigeria

A recent audit of my email files shows that Nigeria has 80 Gazillionity Dollars in funds from no less than 3,485 dead bankers with my last name, and I'm the only survivor.  Where were these clowns when I needed Christmas shopping money last year?

 

77 Lost

This show has more loose ends than some sort of metaphor with a lot of loose ends on it. Rumor has it the series finale will reveal that The Dharma Project is really just an elaborate ruse to get help sent by The Professor from Gilligan's Island.

 

76 Barry Manilow

Future hypocritical Joan Rivers joke, "He may write songs that make the whole world sing, but his face makes the whole world scream!" It looks like he's ready to become the official singer of Westworld.

 

75 Myspace

Even though the company is owned by Newscorp, the servers are still run on that Speak and Spell and aluminum folk contraption ET used to phone home on. I can't even add 2 friends at the same time without crashing their server. Awww...who am I kidding? I'd kill for 2 friends to add to my list!

 

74 Alcoholism

If we believe Mel Gibson and Mark Foley, we could eliminate the world's racism and sexual harassment by simply bringing back prohibition.

 

73 The View

Why anyone thinks this coven of harpies has anything worthwhile to say is a mystery to me.

 

72 Ashlee Simpson

She spent a ton of cash on a nose job, while doing absolutely nothing about her deformed vocal chords.

 

71 Time Magazine's Man Of The Year

What a cop out!  Instead of picking an individual, they cleverly said "You" were the person of the year.  If only they knew how much "you" really sucked, maybe they'd reconsider.  It's the equivalent of telling your kids that they're all your favorite!

 

70 Product Placement

I'm so sick of companies that pay a ton of cash just to get their stuff put in movies, TV shows, and even websites.  Enough!

 

69 Zune

This hot new mini music player from Microsoft is destined to be an iPod killer.  Watch out Apple! The Zune is great!  And finally, a portable audio device that comes in a lovely shade of shit-brown!

 

68 Giant Size Belts

What's up with ladies wearing these freakishly large belts.  If I want a woman that looks like a WWE wrestler, I'll date John Cena.

 

67 Torture Movies

I don't know why Hollywood thinks we get off on seeing films where the characters are tortured and mutilated for 2 straight hours like the Saw series and Hostel.  Of course, this is slowly being replaced by films that torture the audience instead, like Nacho Libre.

 

66 Shakira's Hips

Her hips don't lie, but her vagina is just pathological.

 

65 The Closing of Tower Records
It was sad to see it go out of business, but at least the closeout sale finally made Tower’s overpriced CDs affordable.

 

64 Ted Stevens

This Alaskan Senator referred to the internet as "a series of tubes" but he may have just been looking down at his colostomy bag.

 

63 eBay and Paypal

Their inability to address the insane amounts of email fraud to get your passwords beyond "Make sure the email is really from us" is ridiculous.  They need to come up with a more secure method to access accounts.  And, Honey, if you're reading this, I assure you someone else hacked my account and bought that inflatable Hello Kitty love doll!

 

62 Kelly Ripa

I hate his music like Nigerians hate spam filters, but when Clay Aiken shut up Kelly Ripa by putting his hand over her mouth I think he deserved a Medal of Honor.

 

61 Dick Cheney
The last person to get so much attention over shooting a wad of ammo at someone's face was Peter North. Way to go, Dick!  A close runner up...jokes about Dick Cheney shooting that guy in the face.

 

60 HBO

They bend over backward to accommodate "The Sopranos" new season every 5 years schedule, but cancel "Deadwood" without any good reason. Hopefully Stephen Colbert can start calling people "loopy cunts" to ease my pain.

 

59 Place Holders In Top 100 Lists
(Put something witty and topical here)

 

58 Deal or No Deal

How stupid can game shows get?  Watch NBC announce "Flipping a Coin For Money" soon.

 

57 Rob Cockerham
The cockeyed.com figurehead looks too good to be a webmaster. He’s clearly been placed here by the ancient space demon Xenu to enslave us all!

 

56 Steve Martin

Steve Martin's now making the movies Pauly Shore used to get stuck with.  I eagerly await Oh Heavenly Dog  2 and Skid Marks of The Pink Panther.

 

55 Apple's iTunes Store
C'mon, if you can find a way to backdate stock options, you can certainly figure out a way to let other music players use this damn thing!

 

54 Baby Bumps
The tabloids' obsession with wondering if actresses are pregnant is tiresome. Look for the trend to continue in '07 with "Guess Who Got Circumcised?"

 

53 Kevin Federline
I'd rank him higher on the list, but his soon to be ex-wife somehow managed to accomplish the impossible by being even more annoying than him. Hey, any guy would love to sleep with Britney and leech off her millions, but recording "PopoZao" was the straw the broke the camel's back.

 

 

52 Global Warming

C'mon Al Gore, the last time I went outside, it was pretty damn cold. 

 

51 Pat Robertson
Claimed he leg pressed 2,000 pounds thanks to his "Age Defying Protein Shake", but I believe him 'cause that's nearly half the weight of the bullshit he dishes out on The 700 Club

 

50 James Blunt
His song "You're Beautiful" is an aural holocaust.  His vocals remind me of that guy who's singing "I Gave My Love A Cherry" at the toga party in Animal House right before John Belushi smashes his guitar to bits.

 

49 Terence Trent D'Arby

Who does he think he is, saying he's more popular than The Beatles?
(this annoying item brought to you courtesy of 1983)

 

48 Rosie O'Donnell and

47 Nicole Richie 

You know if these two just got married and started sharing meals, both of their problems would be solved. Get it? 'Cause Rosie is overweight and Nicole is hella skinny! These are the jokes, folks, laff it up!

 

46 Jesse Jackson

Asks black comedians to stop using the "N" word, but is it still OK for politicians to refer to New York as Hymie Town?

 

45 Tour de France

More like Tour de Steroids, am I right?

 

44 The Lake House
A movie starring Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves who are 2 years apart and communicate through a magic time machine mailbox, and Reeves never warns her not to make Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous.

 

 

 

43 "Chicken Noodle Soup"

This annoying tune set a new record for the repetition of the phrase "Chicken Noodle Soup", which was previously held by Prince's "I Want U 2 F*CK 4 My Chicken Noodle Soup".

 

42 "Web 2.0"
1.0 wasn't good enough to deserve a sequel.

 

41 Gwen Stefani
Followed up "Hollaback Girl" with a rap song featuring yodeling from The Sound of Music.  Look for her to release a heartfelt ballad featuring samples of the dogs barking "Jingle Bells" next.

 

40 Duke Lacrosse "Rape" Prosecutor, Michael NiFong

With the exception of evidence and a credible witness, he had a surefire conviction.  Maybe he could retry the Tawana Brawley case to revive his career.

 

 

39 Head-On
"Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!" "Head-On, Apply directly to the forehead!"

 

38 Paris Hilton Perfume

Save yourself some cash and just dab juice from a tuna can on your neck.

 

37 Israel and Palestine

All of this Semite on Semite violence has to stop.  Maybe Bush can save his legacy and give a contract to TrendWest to turn the entire region into a giant time share resort, so both sides can just stay in the disputed territory during pre-arranged blocked out times. Plus it's a great investment that you can pass on to your kids.  Hey, you're not gonna go to the next item until you sit through this informative 3 hour presentation.

 

36 Nancy Grace

Her aggressive interview style may have led to the suicide of a mother with a missing kid.  Let's hope she finally lands that OJ Simpson interview soon.

 

35 John Kerry

His boneheaded comments, unintentional or not, about US troops was an October surprise the Democrats didn't need. Let's hope he has the grace and sense to hide in a basement for the next two years so he doesn't stink up any more campaigns in 2008.

 

34 Tony Snow

Who would have thought it possible to find an even shiftier White House Press Secretary than Scott McClellan?  At this rate, look for The Simpsons Kent Brockman to take over next year.

 

33 Holocaust Deniers

This is what happens when you show Hogan's Heroes to high school history classes.

 

32 Rachel Ray

Eh...if she was THAT good of a cook, her husband wouldn't be having so many meals away from home.

 

31 Blu-Ray vs. HDDVD
No matter which high definition format ends up winning this nerd war, you're still going to have to watch Big Momma's House 2 on it.

 

30 Penguins
From Happy Feet to March of The Penguins, I've had it with these freaky little ice birds.  Hopefully global warming will end their reign of terror once and for all.  Also, watch for Fred Phelps church to start blaming the war on gay penguins soon.

 

29 The Florida Seminole Tribe

Taking advantage of a depressed economy, they bought the entire Hard Rock Cafe company for pennies on the dollar.  They could have at lest thrown in some pretty beads to make it a fair trade.

 

28 Sudoku

Though millions enjoy this crazy fill in the numbers game ever day, they're blissfully unaware that it's the Japanese word for "Puzzle Substitute For Friends."

 

27 Sacramento Kings Owners George and Gavin Maloof
From their classless handling of Rick Adelman’s final season with The Sacramento Kings to their inability to sell any type of vision for a new arena, these guys have the worst PR skills in sports. At least there’s some relief to Season Ticket holders, who won’t have to shell out any cash for playoff tickets this year.

 

26 Mel Gibson

Mel responded to the bad hype from his drunken racist tirade by making a kickass action film, Apocalypto. If we're lucky, he'll make a drug addled rant about Mexicans next year and give us a Mad Max sequel to apologize.  Say what you want about him, though, the guy takes a handsome mugshot!

 

25 Victoria Beckham

I know it's not saying a lot to be known as the least talented Spice Girl, but please, for the love of all that's holy, could you kindly eat a cookie? See what I did there?  She's SKINNY! Good lord...I'm not even trying anymore.

 

24 Stingrays
Those slimy fuckers got my instructions to take out The Wiggles all wrong!

 

23 Anna Nicole Smith's Son

This tacky attention whore couldn't wait until after his mother's new baby was born and her quickie wedding to her lawyer to die?  No class!

 

22 George Bush

Thanks for wasting nearly a trillion dollars and thousands of lives so we can occupy a country we have no chance of stabilizing and we'll leave it in shambles once we finally pull out. Good thing we already declared victory years ago, so we can leave with our heads held high.

 

21 Spinach
Way to go, E-Coli! Get all over our healthiest food instead of scaring people away from bacon or cheeseburgers.  Further evidence that God wants us to be fat!

 

20 Polonium 210

Those wacky Japanese restaurants that serve poison blowfish aren't bad enough, but sushi with radioactive wasabi is just out of control.  Watch for the Jackass guys to deliberately expose themselves to this for laughs in their next film.

 

19 Captain Crunch Cereal
Isn't it about time we banded together for a class action lawsuit against this mouth shredding danger breakfast?

 

18 SONY PS3
Maybe I'm jaded, but when a videogame company starts borrowing the "Two Months Salary" slogan from the diamond industry, it's time to rethink your priorities.  At the PS2 launch, gave all of the losers who stood in line for Star Wars movies something to do this year.

 

17 Kanye West
Another year of bitching about not winning awards was capped by getting sued by Evel Knievel for ripping off his image for a music video.  Maybe Evel should come out of retirement and jump his motorcycle over West’s mouth.

 

 

 

16 Fergalicious
I liked this song
better when it was JJ Fad’s “Supersonic.” (And some of you liked that joke better when David Spade first used it 15 year ago!)

 

 

15 Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

You know, if you're going to be an evil leader, you should find some clothes more menacing than khaki Member's Only jackets from 1982.

 

14 Mark Foley
His boy lovin' shenanigans cost Republicans The House and made alcoholics everywhere look bad.

 

13 Sean Hannity

You just want to smack the smug off this guy.  C'mon, Colmes, strike while you can!  There can only be one!

 

12 Dane Cook
Shouldn’t observational comedy be about stuff that you can actually observe?  Jokes like “Did you ever notice when a woman lies while she's drinking Kool-Aid, she wobbles her bottom jaw back and forth like THIS?” leave me scratching my head.  Also, gre
at work having ads for Dane Cook’s Tourgasm Comedy Tour with teeny tiny print disclaiming “Dane Cook will not appear.”

 

11 Michael Richards

A comedy routine about hanging black men upside down and putting forks in their asses is not only offensive, it's pretty damn creepy. 

 

10 The Transportation Safety Administration
Thanks for keeping the skies safe by keeping me from bringing fluids and gels on the plane.  Looks like I'm stuck with Amtrak now, when I need to travel with my "Sam's Club Jumbo Vat O' Love Lube".

 

 

9 Cynthia McKinney
Watching this crazy congressman defend herself for hitting a police officer was funny, but it was to see her defeated in her re-election attempt. At least she's still got her side job as loveable typing instructor, Mavis Beacon, to fall back on.

 

8 Snakes On A Plane
Ha ha...man this movie is so great, cause Sam Jackson says, "I want these muthafuckin snakes off this muthafuckin PLANE!"  HA HAW HAHHHH! That's great stuff!  I hope letting people on the internet steer the direction of movies doesn't continue, otherwise we're going to be treated to I'd Hit It: The Movie and LOL: THE MOTION PICTURE soon.

 

7 Ann Coulter
Claimed 9/11 widows enjoyed their husband's deaths in her book Godless: The Church of Liberalism. If you think that was a controversial title, it's at least more marketable than the publisher's original suggestion, "Attention Whore: Rants From An Irrelevant Cunt."

 

6 Rush Limbaugh

Suggested Michael J. Fox was faking his Parkinson's tremors in a political ad for sympathy, but totally gives Tina Yothers a free pass. (I know that doesn't make sense, but she paid me $50 to get her name in the top 10 to help jump start her career).

 

5 Katie Couric

What are the odds we'll see Katie singing a campy goodbye song on top of a piano next year?  And that publicity stunt where Lloyds of London ensured her receding gums for a million dollars backfired horribly.

 

4 John Mark Karr

Though his claims that he killed Jon Benet Ramsey were false, Karr made me wish The Supreme Court made it legal to execute people for being really creepy.

 

3 OJ Simpson and Judith Reagan

OJ pulled off the impossible by coming off as an even more worthless piece of shit with his book "If I Did It" which was thankfully yanked before hitting the book stores.  And for Judith Reagan to even think of throwing millions at Simpson to publish the book in the first place is vomit-inducing.  Though she's been fired, look for Regan to bring us classics like "Let's Pretend I Really Killed Laci", and Mark David Chapman's "I Was Aiming For Yoko."

 

2 Suri Cruise
The last baby to get this much press attention was Damien. Well, at least we know Tom Cruise isn't weird anymore now that he has a kid.

 

1 Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears

From Britney's deadly baby care techniques to Lindsay's crazy Blackberry ramblings, these two capped off the year by seeing how many times they could show off their uncovered crotches to the press. You know you're out of control when Paris Hilton has to pull your legs closed. If they aren't stopped soon, they're going to mutate into a new form of skank pandemic that no amount of penicillin can stop!

 

Thanks again for your time and readership!  I know we can't possibly name off 100 Annoying Things without pissing off someone, and most certainly I have left out something that's annoying you beyond belief. Don't hold it in, tell me at rberry@retrocrush.com!

 

Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com

 

COOLEST THINGS OF 2006 ADDENDUM


Not a year goes by without tons of folks thinking that I'm just some massively sour hate machine that can't enjoy anything about pop culture.  Here's the good stuff that I totally dug this year.

 

 

BEST RECORDS
"Rabbit Fur Coat" by Jenny Lewis And The Watson Twins

"The Devil You Know" by Todd Snider

"A Hundred Highways" by Johnny Cash
"Straight Outta Lynwood" by Weird Al Yankovic

 

BEST MOVIES
Jackass 2, Borat, Clerks 2, United 93, Apocalypto, Last Holiday, Neil Young: Heart of Gold, Eight Below, Cars, Casino Royale, 16 Blocks, Ask The Dust, V For Vendetta, Blackballed: The Bobby Dukes Story, The Notorious Bettie Page, Akeelah and The Bee, Dead Man's Shoes, An Inconvenient Truth, Superman Returns, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby, and Brick.

 

BEST TV SHOWS
The Daily Show, Lost, The Colbert Report, Saturday Night Live, Deadwood, The Sopranos, Studio 60, 30 Rock, Dr. Who, ER, Scrubs, The West Wing Season 7, Lucky Louie, and South Park.

 

BEST COMIC BOOKS
Angry Youth Comix by Johnny Ryan
Billy Hazelnuts by Tony Millionaire

Unlovable by Esther Pearl Watson

The Flaming Carrot by Bob Burden
Chewing Gum In Church by Steve Weissman

 

BEST DVD SET
Superman The Ultimate Collection

 

BEST PODCASTS
Drink 'Til We're Funny with Justin, Deena, and Jon

Infected With Martin Sargent

 

BEST ONLINE FORUM
Something Awful

 

 

retroMENDED
WEBSITES!