ARTICLE ARCHIVE - BABE GALLERY - PODCAST - FORUM - MOVIE REVIEWS - INTERVIEWS - LISTS - EMAIL - PRESS INFO - MYSPACE - BLOG

retroCRUSH PALS

THE SNEEZE

MYSTERY ISLAND

COCKEYED

JOHNNY RYAN

SEW DARN CUTE

STEVE WEISSMAN

FUN CHICKEN

LEFT-OVER BLOG

SOMETHING AWFUL

FARK

I-MOCKERY

LUCY HELL

POPCRUSH BLOG

buzznet

 

LINKS I LIKE

TECHNORATI

DRUDGE REPORT

AIN'T IT COOL NEWS

TMZ

CHUD

 

 


THE MOST ANNOYING THINGS OF 2007

 

Another year, another list of annoying things to complain about! The list has been trimmed from 100 to 44 to help reduce our carbon footprint. Who says we don't care about the environment?

 

44. Miley Cyrus
You’d think with all of those sold out Hannah Montana concerts; she’d invest some cash in fixing that jack-o-lantern pile of teeth in her mouth.

 

43. Second Life 

Wouldn't "No Life" be a more applicable name? This online cyber reality site is the most realistic simulation of furry sex and flocks of flying penises the internet has ever seen.

 

42. Windows Vista
Operating systems are the only technology that seem become more resource hungry and wasteful as they get “better”. I’m fully convinced Microsoft is in bed with the RAM industry.

 

41. Muslim Extremists

When Salman Rushdie and a teddy bear are the biggest threats to your religion, it's time to rethink things.

 

40. Shrek The Third

At least it wasn’t hard to come up with a review headline that rhymed with the title.

 

39. 50 Cent

His share of Vitamin Water nets him over $400 million, and he vows to never make another CD if he’s outsold by Kanye West. This is like Warren Buffet threatening to quit his paper route.

 


photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images

 

38. Carrie Underwood

The only woman who's real life complexion still looks as if it's been airbrushed.

 

37. Alec Baldwin's Daughter

That inconsiderate pig has no manners at all. When you ask your daughter to tell her mother to “go fuck herself”, you better pass that message on! Kids these days…

 

36. Hip Hop Hoodies  

Since when did sweatshirts that look like MC Hammer's wrapping paper qualify as cool?

 


:photo by Evan Agostini/Getty Images

 

35. Tina Fey's Husband      

He’s a lying, cheating jerk, and says mean things about Tina behind her back. Are you reading this, Tina? Call me if you need a shoulder to cry on.

 

34. Steve Fossett

Not satisfied with his numerous aviation records, he had to go and break Amelia Earhart’s, too.

 

33. Fred Goldman
Honors his dead son by publishing O.J.’s “imaginary” account of the murder. Look, I’m all for bankrupting Simpson, but suing him to get the recyclables out of his trash is going too far. Also, Fred, that style of ’stache looked dated even on Geppetto.

 

32. David Beckham    

LA Galaxy's plan to revitalize American soccer by having Becks sit on a bench failed miserably.

 

 

31. VH1’s I Love New York
Just imagine the improvement of America's gene pool if someone bombed the cast of this show. They should rename it “I Love Chlamydia.”

 

30. The Eagles  
In 2004, Don Henley complained about big chains squeezing out small record stores so he helps out by making the new Eagles CD a Wal-Mart only exclusive. Look for him to help end racism next year by letting the KKK sponsor their concert tour.

 

29. American Idol       

If a nationwide best singer competition gives us Sanjaya Malakar and Chris Sligh as finalists, it's time to give up on music forever.
 

28 . Two Girls One Cup
I may never eat Wendy's Frosties again. Kudos to those ladies for teaching kids to share, though.

 

 

27. Cavemen

Well, the writer’s strike was good for something.

 

26. Michael Vick

Hopefully his prison sentence is in dog years

 

25. Jay Z's Song Intros
His annoying preludes are the pop up ads of the music world. Do we really need to hear “Yo Yo…this is Rihanna” on a song after we already bought her CD?

 

24. The Washington Generals     

They haven't won a game in 30 years and still can't get a good draft pick. Still might beat The Sacramento Kings, though.

 

 

23. Amazon Kindle

This groundbreaking electronic book reader is supposed to reduce newspaper consumption, but it’s pretty damn wasteful lining the bottom of your birdcage with them. Also, good job naming your invention after something you use to burn things with. Bradbury was a prophet.

 

21. HBO   

They pull the cord on Deadwood to give us a canceled season of John from Cincinnati. Thanks for nothing, ya loopy &*$#S!

 

20. Misuse of Apostrophe’s

It never ceases to amaze me the number of business’es that can’t figure out how to use them correctly.

 

19. People Who Email Me…

…telling me how stupid I am for being an “Apostrophe Hypocrite!”

 

 

18. T-Pain

His latest CD features songs where he both brags about how much money he has, and the free drinks he gets for dating a bartender. Listen for his new single “Bonin’ The Hot Dog On A Stick Hos for Free Corn Dogs” on the radio soon.

 

17. Missing White Girls

From Baby Maddie to Natalie Hollaway it’s clear that there’s a problem. You never see kidnapped minority kids on TV.

 

16. Amy Winehouse

You expect Britney Spears to fall apart, but it’s a damn shame to see Winehouse spiral downward with all the great talent she has. And hats off to Amy for supporting tattoo artists with Parkinson’s Disease. 

 

 

 

15. Britney Spears Fan Chris Crocker

Thousands of years from now, aliens will explore earth’s wreckage and find the video of Chris crying “Leave Britney Alone” shortly before committing suicide by laser gun.

 

14. Santa Claus

Why does he keep giving so many toys to rich kids, and leave the poor ones scrambling for donated knock-off Barbies from the 99 cent store? Apparently The Polar Express doesn’t run through the bad neighborhoods.

 

13. Gordon Ramsey

I’m just waiting for the episode of Hell’s Kitchen where the fed up chefs cut him up to bits and serve him as a pot-pie.

 

12. A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila

You know you’re trashy when you make Flavor Flav’s dating show look classy by comparison. At least it’s an aptly named show, because everyone will certainly need a shot of some sort once they leave the set.

 

11. Bodies…The Exhibition
If you want to see a bunch of bodies in numerous states of evisceration, save yourself some dough and just check out my basement.

 

10. The Sopranos Finale    

The “fill in the blanks” ending with Tony and family in a diner while Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” played followed by a jump to blackness was more of a cop-out than clever. Though short of that Russian from the “Pine Barrens” rushing in with Furio and the floating head of Ralphie, nobody could have been satisfied, anyway.

 

9. Al Sharpton and Don Imus

How far has the civil rights movement fallen when these two have become the spokespersons for black and white America?

 

 

8. Larry Birkhead

Somehow Anna Nicole Smith managed to breed with the one human being more evolutionary challenged than her. Poor Daniellyn would actually be better off with Federline raising her.

 

7. China

Years after getting over the whole “Pee Pee In Coke” scandals of the ‘70s, China is back in trouble with lead painted toys. Of course, you have to love the outraged parents who are so concerned about the safety of the playthings in the Chicken McNuggett Happy Meals.

 

6. Hugo Chavez

At least Venezuelans had the common sense to not give him constitutional power to make him king of the universe forever plus infinity. They should let Chavez face North Korea’s Kim Jong Il, and Iran’s Ahmedinajad in a pay per view “Crazy Off.”

 

 

 

5. “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”

The incomprehensible lyrics in this song sound like it was written with one of those magnetic poetry sets. I never thought I’d yearn for the more hardcore days of hip-hop songs like “Chicken Noodle Soup” and “Laffy Taffy”.

 

4. God

Gotta blame somebody for Republicans and Veggie Tales.

 

3. Bee Movie Hype

I could swear I saw Jerry Seinfeld in The Zapruder film plugging his damn Bee Movie.

 

2. Senator Larry Craig

Forget all the claims of hot gay airport bathroom sex; the real scandal is that asshole never puts the seat back down when he’s through.

 

1. Britney Spears Coverage        

Do we need 50 photographers documenting every time she wipes her ass? Of course, Britney doesn’t help much when she’s using her kids to wipe it with.

 

-Robert Berry

rberry@retrocrush.com

 

SPECIAL SACRAMENTO BONUS!

For the last 3 years, the kind folks at The Sacramento News and Review have allowed me to do a special bonus feature with the most annoying things in Sacramento.

 

CLICK HERE TO ENJOY THEM YOURSELF!