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COOKING WITH THE ROCK

I wrote this back in 1998 or so for a wrestling parody site called ScoopTHIS that has long since gone the way of most wrestling sites from that era. I think it still holds up as a fun slice of late '90s wrestling, which remains one of it's most exciting and entertaining periods. It was one of the first websites I ever wrote for, and I can't say it was an experience I look back on with complete fondness, but one of the guys there told me there I was a "never was" and will never amount to anything, so I suppose I have to thank him for his chilling ability to predict the future.

I used to love wrestling quite a bit and found time to write for xwrestling.com (that version of the site is currently defunct as well, but it led to x-entertainment and eventually retroCRUSH) and some other wrestling humor sites as well. I even wrote some silly bits like "X-Men vs. WWF Wrestlers" and crap like that for World of Wrestling magazine (an ambitious publication that would sometimes pay me twice for articles they never ran and surprisingly went bankrupt). At the height of my wrestling "career" I even worked with California's All Pro Wrestling group doing some announcing and even writing wrestler character dialogue. Those were some damn fun times, but the life of pro wrestling, even in a ridiculously peripheral role like mine, is pretty damn hard with the long hours and travel demands.

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen. It's time to once again start the most electrifying cooking show on the Food Network, lick your lips because it's time for "COOKING WITH THE ROCK!"

ROCK: Hello everybody. We've got a great program lined up for you today. A beautiful Spinach Salad with Stilton Bleu Cheese, Chicken Parmesan, and a Chocolate Raspberry Torte that you simply won't believe. But before we start, I'd like to introduce 12-year-old Mark Davis. He won the MTV ULTIMATE WRESTLING FAN CONTEST, and he'll be joining me us on stage for his prize. Come on up here, Mark.

MARK: Thanks, Rock. I can smell what you're cooking!

ROCK: Uhhh, yeah. That's great. Well first let's start making that salad. I really love spinach, and I think all you people at home will really think this is a tasty salad.

MARK: Shouldn't you say, "The ROCK thinks you'll like the salad"?

ROCK: Well, it's not good English to talk about yourself in third person that way.

MARK: Well, you do it all the time on RAW.

ROCK: Listen, I....okay, "THE ROCK" likes spinach. Anyway, I've got a special guest that's going to help us. Everybody, let's welcome my good friend. You know him as "Mankind", "Dude Love", and "Cactus Jack". Let's have a big round of applause for Mick Foley.

(The audience goes wild as Mick Foley enters wearing a Ralph Lauren polo shirt and a pair of nice jeans, with his hair back in a ponytail.)

MICK: Heya, Rock. Glad to be here. I'm ready to cook up some great food with ya.

ROCK: Great, Mick. By the way, how are the kids?

MICK: Oh they're doing just great. You know, there's nothing I enjoy better than going to a little league game, or watching them in a school play. And how's the wife?

ROCK: Well, Mick, she's a doll. Anyway let's get started on the spinach salad.. I'd like you to take this carrot peeler and fix these carrots up for me.

MICK: Man, I love carrots. They're pretty nutritious.

ROCK: Well remember to wash your hands first. We don't know where your hand has been.

MICK: Yeah, maybe it was in a dirty sock.

(Rock and Mick pat each other on the back and laugh uncontrollably, while Mark looks confused)

MARK: Hey, I thought you hated each other. Rock took your belt.

MICK: Rock took my belt? Well, I sure hope my pants don't fall down!

(Rock puts down his spatula and starts laughing again. Mick is yukking it up so hard he's holding his sides.)

ROCK: Okay, enough tomfoolery. Let's make this thing. How are those carrots coming along?

MICK: Pretty good, just peeling away here. But...oh

(Mick stops as a trickle of blood is coming down his finger and he drops the carrot peeler)

ROCK: Are you okay?

MICK: Well, I think...I'm not sure. I cut my finger.

ROCK: Oh man. Let me see if I can find you a Band-Aid or something.

MICK: Thanks. It's just a surface cut, but it really stings.

MARK: Hey, that doesn't hurt ya, right Mick? You're HARDCORE right? YOU'RE HARDCORE!

MICK: I'm bleeding pretty badly actually. Hey listen, Rock...I'm gonna go backstage and take care of this.

ROCK: Hey, please take care of it. Safety first.

(Mick leaves the stage, holding his hand with a white napkin)

MARK: (whimpering) But you're hardcore, Mick...

ROCK: Well, Mark, that leaves just you and me to finish the salad up. Let's bring out my next guests to help us with the Chicken Parmesan. Stone Cold Steve Austin, and The Godfather!

(Godfather walks out with a beautiful Asian woman by his side. Steve Austin is wearing docker slacks and a cable knit sweater. The crowd goes wild).

ROCK: Steve and Godfather! Great of you to make it here today. I hope you like Lasagna.

GODFATHER: Man oh man, I love lasagna.

ROCK: Who's this fine lady you're with, Godfather? I've never seen her before.

MARK: Yeah, is she one of your HO's?

(The Asian woman looks shocked and starts crying, running backstage)

GODFATHER: (looking offended) Uh, no...that's my fiancé, Kaori. What a horrible thing to say, kid. Hey, Rock, I'm going to go backstage and comfort her.

(Godfather runs offstage after giving little Mark a dirty look)

MARK: I'm sorry I-

ROCK: Don't worry, kid. Well let's get down to business and make some lasagna.

AUSTIN: Well, Rock you say you're gonna make some lasagna here. But all of Austin's fans here want me to do something first. We gotta take care of some business before that lasagna goes in the oven. Right, Mark?

MARK: (enthusiastically) Right, Austin!

AUSTIN: That's right. Before you even put that can in the oven, Austin's gonna have to open up a can of-

MARK: WHOOP-ASS!

AUSTIN: (looking at the boy shocked) Excuse me son, watch your mouth. This is a family show.

ROCK: Yeah, that's no way for a 12-year-old boy to talk.

MARK: (ashamed) I'm sorry, I just thought-

AUSTIN: Anyway, I was just trying to say we need to open up a can of tomato paste. That'll really get the lasagna tasting good.

ROCK: I agree. Let's just put in on top here, and then we'll put it in the oven. It's going to be yummy.

(there's a gasp from the audience as Vince McMahon enters the set with a big box in his hand)

VINCE: Austin! I have a little something I want to share with you!

(Rock and Austin look at each other, seriously, then look back at Vince. Mark is scared)

ROCK: Uhhh, what is it boss?

VINCE: Ah, wouldn't you like to know? It's a big surprise for the two of you right here in this box. And let me tell you, I spared no expense for this!

AUSTIN: (smiling) Okay, old man, show me what you got!

VINCE: Oh, I will....believe me, Austin...I WILL SHOW YOU!

(While Rock and Austin talk with Vince, Mark sneaks around the set and grabs one of the folding chairs from the audience. As he gets right behind Vince, he smashes the flat of the chair right on the back of his head.)

VINCE: AGGGHHHHH!

(Vince collapses to the ground, face first, and drops the box. A chocolate birthday cake falls out that says 'Happy Birthday Austin')

ROCK: What the heck did you do that for?

MARK: (crying) I thought he was going to get you.

AUSTIN: Jesus Christ, boy! He was bringing me a birthday cake and this is how you treat him?

MARK: But he looked like he was going to-

ROCK: (enraged) I told the producers that this contest was just gonna give us a piece of worthless trailer trash. ROODY POO CANDY ASS TRAILER TRASH FROM SMACKDOWN HOTEL!!!!! YOU'RE A ROODY POO-ROODY POO-CANDY CANDY-DOUBLE ROODY POO CANDY ASS JABRONIE DELUXE!!!! ROODY POO! STRAIGHT FROM SMACKDOWN HOTEL, ROODY POO!!!

MARK: I'm sorry-

AUSTIN: Sorry, son? AUSTIN 3:16 SAYS YOU JUST FUCKED UP MY BIRTHDAY CAKE, BOY! Looks like I'm going to have to open up a HUGE CAN OF WHOOP ASS on you. If you can SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!

ROCK: Hey that's my line.

AUSTIN: Whoops...sorry Rock.

(Austin grabs Mark by the neck and gives him a stunner on top of the lasagna pan. Rock then takes off his shirt, flicks his eyebrow up at the TV camera, and then gives a killer People's Elbow. Mark is lying bloody and crying in a fetal position, as both Rock and Austin take turns stomping his head).

ANNOUNCER: Well, that's all the time we have for "Cooking With The Rock". Join us next week when Kane joins Rock for cooking and karaoke!