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DUKES PREQUEL PUKES
TM and (C) Warner Brothers Entertainment
It's pretty silly to get too pissed
off about fucking with the "history" of The Dukes of Hazzard.
This is a franchise that replaced Bo and Luke with their cousins Coy
and Vance during a contract dispute, and had a Saturday Morning
cartoon with Boss Hogg and the boys in a race around the world.
Though I had some problems with the Dukes feature film that came out
a few years back, it was at least entertaining and full of enough
great car chases and funny jokes to make it watchable. The Dukes
of Hazzard: The Beginning, however, is a direct to video abortion
that should never have been made.
Willie Nelson returns as Uncle Jesse,
but we have all new actors in this fiasco. Which isn't bad because
they weren't cast so well the last time around. Burt Reynolds was an
unconvincing Boss Hogg, but Christopher "Shooter McGavin" McDonald
manages to be even worse. Is it that hard to find a repulsive short
fat bald guy?
The casting of Daisy is equally awful,
as is her characterization. Apparently, Daisy used to be a brainy
glasses wearing bookworm, who only later became a half moron in the
feature film, and show. April Scott is particularly boring in the
role, and was cast after playing such parts as "Girl in Bikini" in an
episode of "Entourage" and one of the ladies that holds a suitcase in
"Deal or No Deal". I wish I was kidding. Particularly upsetting
is the fact that she weighs about 80 pounds and has an ass that's as
flat as a board. What part of "Daisy Dukes" did the producers of this
fiasco not understand?
I was at least encouraged to see
former Twin Peaks hottie Sherilyn Fenn cast as Boss Hogg's oversexed
wife. She tries to seduce Bo in her bedroom, and promises to slip
into "something more boner inducing" but unless you're gonna get a
boner from some lady wearing a dress that looks like a mumu and a
picnic blanket, don't get your hopes up.
There's some gratuitous "Girls Gone
Wild" style nudity, but it's not gratuitous enough to deserve the
"UNRATED" label on the DVD, which makes me think they were just too
lazy to submit it to the MPAA.
There's not even a good car chase in
the whole damn movie! It's pretty hard to fuck up something as
pre-existing stupid as The Dukes of Hazzard, but somehow, it
happened. This is screenwriter Shane Morris' first film. I'm sure
he's busy at work scribbling out Miami Vice: The Early Years with
Crockett and Tubbs played by a Chinese and Mexican cross dressers.
Please avoid this movie. Never watch
it or speak of it again and maybe they'll get the hint that half
assed juvenile crap like this has no place in our reality.
-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com
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