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SHREK THE THIRD:
A TIRESOME BORE

Nobody wanted to see a third Shrek film, did they? There certainly wasn't any compelling new areas for the story to go at the end of the 2nd one, so this is the big cash out. The first film had it's charm and served as a good parody of Disney and fairy tales. I thought the ending of the original was a bit of a cop out (would have been cooler to keep Fiona in human form), but it still holds up as a classic kid's movie. The 2nd film, though completely unnecessary, was at least chock full of enough good pop culture references and a surprisingly funny performance by Antonio Banderas that it was at least worth watching. But they're just running on fumes with this mess.

I laughed exactly one time during the entire film. The Gingerbread Man's life flashes before his eyes and it shows how he rehabiliated himself after his legs were ripped off in Part 1, with some Bionic Man sound effects playing as he ran through a field.

I'm a pretty easy to please guy. I liked Ghost Rider, Spider Man 3, and plenty other films that people think I'm too easy on, so consider that when I tell you I hated it.

There were some people laughing through most of the movie, but I'm pretty sure they were just stupid. The blind mice walk around stumbling on the stairs and Shrek scratching his butt produced enough laughter to make a test audience observer cream their jeans. If you're really really really easy to please and laugh at about anything, or perhaps are brain damaged, you'll probably think this is a fantastic movie.

The story involves the Frog King passing on his kingship to Shrek, who doesn't want to be king, so he seeks out Arthur Pendragon to take the job instead. Shrek learns Fiona is pregnant and he doesn't think he'll be a good father. While Shrek is on his quest Prince Charming assembles a who's who of fairy tale villains to take over, but as you would expect, things don't work out that way, and everyone sings a song during the closing credits.

5% of the movie is at least somewhat watchable. Amy Poehler is pretty good as Snow White, and Ian McShane does the best the script will let him with Captain Hook. You'd hardly know Justin Timberlake was playing Arthur, however, as both his voice and appearance bring a teenage Corey Feldman to mind.

It's just a weak retread of the same old shit you've already seen twice before. Shrek fights Hooks men in the forest in a scene that's a near complete swipe from the Robin Hood fight in the first film. Classic rock songs are played at the beginning of action scenes to punctuate the mood and get you excited. Playing Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" before a battle sounds great, but it's just a cheap way to manipulate your interest that doesn't really fit. Why on earth do we need to hear Heart's "Barracuda" while Fiona beats people up, anyway?

Anyway, it's all just a giant Happy Meal commercial anyway. It'll satisfy kids for 90 minutes and then they'll forget all about it.

-Robert Berry

rberry@retrocrush.com

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