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ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOTS
THE TRANSFORMERS MOVIE ROCKS

 

I never really liked the Transformers toys or original cartoons much. I even wrote a tongue in cheek article 7 years ago about why I hated them (reprinted at the bottom of this article), so for me to say I loved the new Transformers movie is quite an impressive thing. I was charmed within minutes of the start of the film, and it's easily one of the most action packed and exciting movies I've seen within the past 10 years.

 

It's a pretty awesome movie. The effects are gorgeous, and the action/fight scenes are nothing short of amazing. There's some pacing problems that make it a bit too long. I can't think of too much I would have cut out, but it does start to border on being a bit too much of a good thing. Kind of like if you were stuck on Space Mountain for 2.5 hours straight.

It's one of the best pure adrenaline movies I've ever seen. Back in the 90s you used to always see them showing off home video systems with Top Gun in all the stores. I'm sure this will be the movie to sell all the high def super IMAX assault your senses packages in the future.

Shia Lebouf is great, and there's a lot of good genuinely funny humor throughout. I loved Shia's scene with the jocks at the park. It's nice to see a nerdy character who's not a total pussy.

 

I was shaking a bit afterward because I was so hyped up after seeing this. Seriously. I haven't felt this way after watching an action film since Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.

 

My only real complaints is some very inappropriate humor for the real little kids. Be prepared to discuss masturbation if you haven't yet. Of course, if you're a die-hard Transformers fan, it's likely a subject you're all too familiar with.

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com

WHY I HATE TRANSFORMERS
(ORIGINALLY WRITTEN IN 2000)

With all the new attention and revival of all things 80s, the one thing I'm most sickened to see is the renewed interest in TRANSFORMERS.  I never liked this cartoon.  I never liked the toys.  And I certainly never liked the GO-BOTS, ORBOTS, or the other ripoff ilk they spawned.

As a toy, I always felt the Transformers were infinitely sucky. Is it a race car, or a robot? IT'S BOTH! YOU DECIDE! Well you know what? If I wanted a toy race car, I'd get a real nice die cast one that wouldn't fall apart if you rolled it too fast. And if I wanted a toy robot, why the hell would I want one that has a car bumper on his ass, and big ol' black rubber tires on his hips?

The whole concept of Transformers is laughable. You have these robots from another world coming to earth and they decide to lead a double life.   To most people, Optimus Prime was a big ol' red semi-truck, but when he let his guard down, he was a giant robot.

Why on earth did Prime need to even pretend to be a truck? Their enemies, the Decepticons could surely detect any Autobot regardless of their form.  And what would the humans on earth do if they found out....kick his ass? Hardly.

This "Clark Kent" style alter-ego of every Transformer made no sense at all. Why on earth would Prime, for example, ever choose to be a truck? I mean the dude can fly and run around, why would he hinder himself by being an earth bound,  rolling around the highways, truck?

And how did Prime have the right to pass up the truck scales, anyway? Surely he couldn't go through and answer the questions about his load. He was eternally a lawbreaker.

Now that I think about it...what really pisses me off about those Transformers is that they aren't even licensed vehicles. I have to pay about $200 a year to keep my Subaru station wagon registered, but those bastards get off scot-free! I bet they don't even need to pass a smog test, and you know that alien technology wouldn't even come close to meeting California's stringent emission standards!

Another thing I don't get is if they crash landed on earth, and awoke 4 million years later, wasn't it damn convenient they were able to look just like vehicles from our time?

Call me crazy, but it really gets me mad.

I was also in that group of kids that'd never figure out how to work those damn toys. I'd be scratching my head for hours trying to figure out how to make Honeybee or whatever the hell his name was turn from a little car to a robot. I always would get stuck half way somewhere, and some damn 6 year old half my age would come up and figure it out in seconds.

More than meets the eye? Damn right...those things are evil incarnate.

Now don't get me started on Dino-bots, or we're going to be here all day.

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com



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