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THE TWENTY MOST ANNOYING SONGS EVER!

About a month ago we conducted a poll of the worst songs of all time. With a staggering 4,000 responses, these are the results, as ranked by vote count. Sure each one of these is somebody's favorite song, and without a doubt you have some worse choices that aren't here, either. There are certainly songs that are technically worse, but these are those special bad songs that became popular and played so many millions of times that you want to pound rusty nails into your skull to make the noise stop. As the universal official keepers of pop culture, it is retroCRUSH's duty and pleasure to bring them to you.

 
#20 "Mr. Roboto" by Styx

I get what Dennis DeYoung was trying to do here, but this sort of high concept silly rock was better suited for the superior talents of someone like Freddie Mercury. The goofiness of this song, and the whole Kilroy Was Here tour that supported the album, caused a lot of tension within the group, and ultimately made Tommy Shaw quit. Check out the video clip above from the concert that featured DeYoung singing along to prerecorded music while the rest of Styx just stands there doing nothing.

 

 
#19 "Chicken Noodle Soup" by Webstar and Young B

The song is cute and original enough. Hell, I can't think of a song about Chicken Noodle Soup I've enjoyed as much since WASP's memorable "Chicen Soup Douche" back in the '80s. But the next time someone suggests that your background music should consist of a nonstop air raid siren, you should punch them in the face.

 

 
#18 "Muskrat Love" by Captain and Tennille (1976)

This song is the gold standard for goofy 70s love songs. Originally written and recorded by Willis Alan  Ramsey, the Captain and Tennille take was actually a cover that came 4 years later. Unless you're planning a romantic night with Richard Gere, I don't know who this ballad would get anyone in a passionate mood. retroCRUSH fan Donald Moore pointed out to us that at least it doesn't get much radio airplay anymore, "People age 30 and under wouldn't know what the heck it was, and have not ever experienced its exquisite awfulness." 

 


#17 "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton (1975)

Everything about this song is horrible. From Minnie Ripperton's glass shattering high notes, to the keyboard accompaniment that has an entirely different rhythm that seems to be long to another tune, to the inexplicable bird chirping throughout, it's like a a buffet of shit. The song reached #1 at a time when many Americans were stupid. Surprisingly, the song was produced by Stevie Wonder, who apparently suffered from a brief stint of deafness, too.

 


#16 "Wannabe" by The Spice Girls (1996)

It's hard to believe this song is already 12 years old. Which makes the average age of their original fans about 16 by now. The song is pure goofy fun, but with over 6 million copies sold the words "Zig a Zig AHHHH" have haunted the world's ears ever since. The lyrics remain an enigma to this day with the promising "If you want to be my lover, first you gotta get with my friends." Not a bad deal because you could screw any of The Spice Girls as long as you slept with the other first. But upon deeper reflection, you realize that's the prerequisite to sleep with any of them, so you'll actually never get a chance. If you think about it too much, you'll open up a space time wormhole that will cause a naked celestial version of the the late Shirley Hemphill to return to earth and devour all of our souls, so get it out of your head!


#15 "Don't Worry Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin (1988)

Chuck D said it best in his 1989 song "Fight The Power" when he rapped "Don't Worry Be Happy was a number one jam, damn if I say it you can smack me RIGHT HERE!" No less annoying in the video with a uber-mugging Robin Williams who's just begging for a smack the entire time. What a funny contrast to the hardcore rap that was so popular at the same time. The song is naive, irrelevant, and just plain horrible. George H.W Bush used the song for his campaign in 1988, which is all the evidence you need that it's a song written for Satan himself.

 


#14 Jesus Loves Me by too many to mention (1862)

I understand the motivation to sing this song. When nobody else in the world gives a shit about you, I suppose there's some solace to know that some dude with a beard and holes in his hands thinks you're special. The problem is that Jesus himself hates the song. If you read Luke 45:16, it clearly states, "What the fucketh is that infernal song? Tell those kids to shut thy fuck up!" I love the rationale that "Jesus loves me, The Bible Tells Me So". If that's the only proof we need, why aren't there hymns about owning slaves, evil shellfish, and gays rapin' angels?
 


#13 "What If God Was One of Us" by Joan Osborne (1995)

If God was one of us, he'd hardly deserve all of the churches and graft collected from the world, that's for sure. I hate hate hate this song. My parter Brad Hamlin also hates the line about God being a "slob, like one of us". Speak for yourself, Joan.

 


#12 "Feelings" by Morris Albert (1975)

I remember a mid-'70s episode of The Gong Show in which every single contestant sang this song. Each person showed up thinking they'd be belting out a classic, unaware that Chuck Barris decided to torture America by having a marathon session of multiple versions of the tune belted out. The last act was a kid who sang about an apple tree, and ran away with the prize, of course.
 

 
 #11 "Barbie Girl" by Aqua (1997)

I totally get the joke of the song, but it doesn't make it any less annoying to listen to. I will give hats off to MCA records, however, for successfully fighting Mattel's ridiculous copyright violation lawsuit all the way up to The Supreme Court. Lesser companies would have rolled over right away.

 


#10 "We Built This City" by Starship (1985)

I remember seeing Starship on a talk show when this came out, and Grace Slick was even saying what a shitty song it was. This song may have done more to actually kill rock and roll than anything else in world history.
 

 
#9 "Axel F" by Crazy Frog (2005)

I'm not sure who is crazier, exactly; the frog or anyone who says they liked this song! If ever there was a song that could drive a man to suicide...



#8 "Mambo" #5 by Lou Bega (1999)

Nothing puts a lady in the mood better than a raspy voiced German singing about all the girls he likes to bone.

 


#7 "Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney and Wings (1979)

I can think of no holiday song more wretched than Paul McCartney's 1979 yuletide seizure, "Wonderful Christmas Time".  It's not just the worst Christmas song, and worst video, but it may be one of the most awful songs ever recorded, to boot.

I love how the video shows 15 different musicians, but all we hear is that shitty keyboard music and Linda McCartney shaking sleigh bells. It even features Paul strumming away on a guitar, but I can't for the life of me hear one guitar note in the entire song.

Seriously, that keyboard is one of the most annoying accompaniments ever captured on audio.  It sounds like some drunk with hammers for fingers on some used Casio that Paul found at a thrift store.  Those echo effects that kick in make me want to shove candy canes into my ears to make the pain stop.

And if the song weren't bad enough, the video is chock full of effects so cheezy they make Xanadu look like Peter Jackson's finest work.  Yeah, nothing says Christmas like random pink jewels and sparkly people making out in space.

There's a particularly disturbing scene where two Paul McCartneys sing to each other with a bonfire burning between their faces. Just like the very first Christmas!

The video moves on to Paul and friends wandering the streets and spray painting Merry XMAS on a Muslim family's home.  Don't worry, it's not offensive if you spell it "XMAS"!

They sing the chorus "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time" nearly 666 times, suggesting they are trying to open a portal for Satan to return to the world, or as some sort of positive affirmation to make them believe they really are having a good time, despite the bored looks on everyone's faces.

Though I don't believe his soon to be ex wife Heather Mills deserves the $250 million in spousal support she seeks, I feel that anyone who's ever had to suffer through this yuletide abortion should at least get a fat check from Sir Paul as a Christmas gift.

 
#6 "It's A Small World" by Disneyland (1964)

You simply can't ride this Disneyland ride without having the insanely repetitive lyrics bouncing through your skull for at least a week after. Plus the song is a lie, because the world is rather big, by most people's standards.

 


#5 "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (1997)

Sure, the song fits the theme of hundreds of people drowning in iceberg choked water, but it doesn't make it any less annoying. I remember when she won the Oscar for this tune, a giant gang of folks took the stage for co-creation credit including '80s Candada Rock "sensation" Aldo Nova.

 


#4 "Macarena" by Los Del Rio (1995)

"Heya sofina cacamena cosifenna...hummina bajinga que no soona fotie penna....HEYYYYY MACARENA!" (repeat 8 thousand times) The only things lamer than this song is the stupid dance that goes with it. It's just the Spanish Hokey Pokey, suckers!


 
#3 "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt (2006)

For a guy who's got the last name "Blunt", he's surprisingly square. Can you imagine waking up at night and having some joker singing this outside your window? Can you imagine James Blunt in a sleeping bag with you singing this song with your balls in his mouth? Can you imagine smokin weed in the streets without cops harassin? I imagine all of these things every second of my life!


 
#2 "I Love You" by Barney (666 BC)

The song is worse than "Jesus Loves Me" on so many levels. First of all, it's just a cheap knockoff of "This Old Man", as the "writers" just went the "sing on top of a public domain song to save cash" route. Secondly, if you play the song backwards, it's about some sick weirdo that wants James Blunt to juggle their balls in his mouth.

 


#1 "Who Let The Dogs Out" by Baha Men (1998)

The thing is, nobody ever cared who let the dogs out. We were glad the dogs were let out AND were hoping they'd tear out the throats of anybody singing this fucking song.

 

HONORABLE MENTION

-"Me and You And A Dog Named Boo" by Lobo

-"Mr. Jones" by Counting Crows

-"Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy and Rick James

-"Good Vibrations" by The Beach Boys (just kidding, Brad)

-"We Like To Party" by the Venga Boys

-"Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani

-"Yellow Submarine" by The Beatles
 

-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com