About a month ago we conducted a
poll of the worst songs of all time. With a staggering 4,000
responses, these are the results, as ranked by vote count. Sure
each one of these is somebody's favorite song, and without a
doubt you have some worse choices that aren't here, either.
There are certainly songs that are technically worse, but these
are those special bad songs that became popular and played so
many millions of times that you want to pound rusty nails into
your skull to make the noise stop. As the universal official
keepers of pop culture, it is retroCRUSH's duty and pleasure to
bring them to you.
#20 "Mr. Roboto" by Styx
I get what Dennis DeYoung was trying to do here,
but this sort of high concept silly rock was better suited for
the superior talents of someone like Freddie Mercury. The
goofiness of this song, and the whole Kilroy Was Here tour that
supported the album, caused a lot of tension within the group,
and ultimately made Tommy Shaw quit. Check out the video clip
above from the concert that featured DeYoung singing along to
prerecorded music while the rest of Styx just stands there
doing nothing.
#19 "Chicken Noodle Soup"
by Webstar and Young B
The song is cute and original enough. Hell, I
can't think of a song about Chicken Noodle Soup I've enjoyed as
much since WASP's memorable "Chicen Soup Douche" back in the
'80s. But the next time someone suggests that your background
music should consist of a nonstop air raid siren, you should
punch them in the face.
#18 "Muskrat Love" by Captain and Tennille (1976)
This song is the gold standard for goofy 70s
love songs. Originally written and recorded by Willis Alan
Ramsey, the Captain and Tennille take was actually a cover that
came 4 years later. Unless you're planning a romantic night
with Richard Gere, I don't know who this ballad would get
anyone in a passionate mood. retroCRUSH fan Donald Moore
pointed out to us that at least it doesn't get much radio
airplay anymore, "People
age 30 and under wouldn't know what the heck it was, and have
not ever experienced its exquisite awfulness."
#17 "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton (1975)
Everything about this song is horrible. From
Minnie Ripperton's glass shattering high notes, to the keyboard
accompaniment that has an entirely different rhythm that seems
to be long to another tune, to the inexplicable bird chirping
throughout, it's like a a buffet of shit. The song reached #1
at a time when many Americans were stupid. Surprisingly, the
song was produced by Stevie Wonder, who apparently suffered
from a brief stint of deafness, too.
#16 "Wannabe" by The Spice Girls (1996)
It's hard to believe this song is already 12
years old. Which makes the average age of their original fans
about 16 by now. The song is pure goofy fun, but with over 6
million copies sold the words "Zig a Zig AHHHH" have haunted
the world's ears ever since. The lyrics remain an enigma to
this day with the promising "If you want to be my lover, first
you gotta get with my friends." Not a bad deal because you
could screw any of The Spice Girls as long as you slept with
the other first. But upon deeper reflection, you realize that's
the prerequisite to sleep with any of them, so you'll actually
never get a chance. If you think about it too much, you'll open
up a space time wormhole that will cause a naked celestial
version of the the late Shirley Hemphill to return to earth and
devour all of our souls, so get it out of your head!
#15 "Don't Worry Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin (1988)
Chuck D said it best in his 1989 song "Fight The
Power" when he rapped "Don't Worry Be Happy was a number one
jam, damn if I say it you can smack me RIGHT HERE!" No less
annoying in the video with a uber-mugging Robin Williams who's
just begging for a smack the entire time. What a funny contrast
to the hardcore rap that was so popular at the same time. The
song is naive, irrelevant, and just plain horrible. George H.W
Bush used the song for his campaign in 1988, which is all the
evidence you need that it's a song written for Satan himself.
#14 Jesus Loves Me by too many to mention (1862)
I understand the motivation to sing this song.
When nobody else in the world gives a shit about you, I suppose
there's some solace to know that some dude with a beard and
holes in his hands thinks you're special. The problem is that
Jesus himself hates the song. If you read Luke 45:16, it
clearly states, "What the fucketh is that infernal song? Tell
those kids to shut thy fuck up!" I love the rationale that
"Jesus loves me, The Bible Tells Me So". If that's the only
proof we need, why aren't there hymns about owning slaves, evil
shellfish, and gays rapin' angels?
#13 "What If God Was One of Us" by Joan Osborne (1995)
If God was one of us, he'd hardly deserve all of
the churches and graft collected from the world, that's for
sure. I hate hate hate this song. My parter Brad Hamlin also
hates the line about God being a "slob, like one of us". Speak
for yourself, Joan.
#12 "Feelings" by Morris Albert (1975)
I remember a mid-'70s episode of The Gong Show
in which every single contestant sang this song. Each person
showed up thinking they'd be belting out a classic, unaware
that Chuck Barris decided to torture America by having a
marathon session of multiple versions of the tune belted out.
The last act was a kid who sang about an apple tree, and ran
away with the prize, of course.
#11 "Barbie Girl" by Aqua (1997)
I totally get the joke of the song, but it
doesn't make it any less annoying to listen to. I will give
hats off to MCA records, however, for successfully fighting
Mattel's ridiculous copyright violation lawsuit all the way up
to The Supreme Court. Lesser companies would have rolled over
right away.
#10 "We Built This City" by Starship (1985)
I remember seeing Starship on a talk show when
this came out, and Grace Slick was even saying what a shitty
song it was. This song may have done more to actually kill rock
and roll than anything else in world history.
#9 "Axel F" by Crazy Frog (2005)
I'm not sure who is crazier, exactly; the frog
or anyone who says they liked this song! If ever there was a
song that could drive a man to suicide...
#8 "Mambo" #5 by Lou Bega (1999)
Nothing puts a lady in the mood better than a
raspy voiced German singing about all the girls he likes to
bone.
#7 "Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney and Wings
(1979)
I can think of
no holiday song more wretched than Paul McCartney's 1979
yuletide seizure, "Wonderful Christmas Time". It's not just
the worst Christmas song, and worst video, but it may be one of
the most awful songs ever recorded, to boot.
I love how the
video shows 15 different musicians, but all we hear is that
shitty keyboard music and Linda McCartney shaking sleigh
bells. It even features Paul strumming away on a guitar, but I
can't for the life of me hear one guitar note in the entire
song.
Seriously, that
keyboard is one of the most annoying accompaniments ever
captured on audio. It sounds like some drunk with hammers for
fingers on some used Casio that Paul found at a thrift store.
Those echo effects that kick in make me want to shove candy
canes into my ears to make the pain stop.
And if the song
weren't bad enough, the video is chock full of effects so
cheezy they make Xanadu look like Peter Jackson's finest work.
Yeah, nothing says Christmas like random pink jewels and
sparkly people making out in space.
There's a
particularly disturbing scene where two Paul McCartneys sing to
each other with a bonfire burning between their faces. Just
like the very first Christmas!
The video moves
on to Paul and friends wandering the streets and spray painting
Merry XMAS on a Muslim family's home. Don't worry, it's not
offensive if you spell it "XMAS"!
They sing the
chorus "Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time" nearly 666
times, suggesting they are trying to open a portal for Satan to
return to the world, or as some sort of positive affirmation to
make them believe they really are having a good time, despite
the bored looks on everyone's faces.
Though I don't
believe his soon to be ex wife Heather Mills deserves the $250
million in spousal support she seeks, I feel that anyone who's
ever had to suffer through this yuletide abortion should at
least get a fat check from Sir Paul as a Christmas gift.
#6 "It's A Small World" by Disneyland (1964)
You simply can't ride this Disneyland ride
without having the insanely repetitive lyrics bouncing through
your skull for at least a week after. Plus the song is a lie,
because the world is rather big, by most people's standards.
#5 "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (1997)
Sure, the song fits the theme of hundreds of
people drowning in iceberg choked water, but it doesn't make it
any less annoying. I remember when she won the Oscar for this
tune, a giant gang of folks took the stage for co-creation
credit including '80s Candada Rock "sensation" Aldo Nova.
#4 "Macarena" by Los Del Rio (1995)
"Heya sofina cacamena cosifenna...hummina
bajinga que no soona fotie penna....HEYYYYY MACARENA!" (repeat
8 thousand times) The only things lamer than this song is the
stupid dance that goes with it. It's just the Spanish Hokey
Pokey, suckers!
#3 "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt (2006)
For a guy who's got the last name "Blunt", he's
surprisingly square. Can you imagine waking up at night and
having some joker singing this outside your window? Can you
imagine James Blunt in a sleeping bag with you singing this
song with your balls in his mouth? Can you imagine smokin weed
in the streets without cops harassin? I imagine all of these
things every second of my life!
#2 "I Love You" by Barney (666 BC)
The song is worse than "Jesus Loves Me" on so
many levels. First of all, it's just a cheap knockoff of "This
Old Man", as the "writers" just went the "sing on top of a
public domain song to save cash" route. Secondly, if you play
the song backwards, it's about some sick weirdo that wants
James Blunt to juggle their balls in his mouth.
#1 "Who Let The Dogs Out" by Baha Men (1998)
The thing is, nobody ever cared who let the dogs
out. We were glad the dogs were let out AND were hoping they'd
tear out the throats of anybody singing this fucking song.
HONORABLE MENTION
-"Me and You And A Dog Named Boo" by Lobo
-"Mr. Jones" by Counting Crows
-"Party All The Time" by Eddie Murphy and Rick
James
-"Good Vibrations" by The Beach Boys (just
kidding, Brad)
