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THE TOP 10 FICTIONAL SPORTS
FLAMINGO CROQUET
Certainly an animal rights nightmare, playing
croquet using the head of a flamingo as a mallet is the most
cruel fictitious sport since E.B.White's under looked
"Charlotte's Web 2: Pig Smash Jamboree".
JOUST
The 1982 arcade game from Williams featured a
crazy sport in which you would fly around on giant ostriches
jousting against other like-minded knights while fighting over
magic green eggs, dodging pterodactyls, and eerie lava hands
that would grab you into a flaming death. London should
seriously consider this for the 2012 Olympics.
PARRISES SQUARES
Though the game was never shown on TV, this
photo from Star Trek The Next Generation shows that the form
fitting spandex uniforms make it all but unwearable to
conventions except for the most awkward of Trekkies (and
believe me, that's saying a lot!). The sport is considered very
dangerous, resulting in the death of Commander Riker's
imaginary holographic daughter. Yep...you can't make up that
kind of stuff.
PODRACING
One of the only good things about Star Wars
Episode One, podracing is essential a high speed race where
just about anything goes, including dodging stray blaster file
from the crazy Tusken Raider spectators. Can you imagine the
ratings Nascar would get if the redneck fans were allowed to
shoot at the drivers as they sped around oval track over and
over and over again?
CURLING
One of the more ludicrous ideas for a sport ever
created. You scoot a bunch of giant rocks around on the ice
while you sweep the surface in front of it with a broom. From
the great minds that brought you Extreme Dishwashing and
Freestyle Vacuuming.
DEATHRACE 2000
The Paul Bartel film from 1975 still holds up as
a fun and super crazy movie. Colorful drivers drive souped up
machines across America, earning points by hitting people (even
more for old people and babies). Fans of the sport are so rabid
that they even sacrifice themselves on the road to give their
favorite drivers an advantage.
THE LONG WALK
I just read this book, which was originally
written in the late '60s by Stephen King (originally published
under his Richard Bachman pen name) and it still holds up as a
crazy scary story. 100 teens volunteers are chosen for an
annual event in which they have to keep walking until they
can't walk anymore. Once you go below 4 miles per hour, or veer
off the course, you're given a warning. Your 4th warning is a
bullet. The last man walking gets anything they want for the
rest of their lives. It's a great book that immediately throws
you into the action and is incredibly eerie despite not having
any supernatural aspects to it.
ROLLERBALL
1975 was a great year for brutal futuristic
sports films, as Rollerball was released alongside Death Race
2000. Rollberball is sort of roller derby meets Thunderdome.
Teams of skaters try and score points by throwing a heavy ball
into the goal. The violent sport is made even more dangerous by
having motorcycles in the arena that can also tow players
around more quickly.
QUIDDITCH
Even the most die-hard Harry Potter hater has to
admit that Quidditch would be one damn fun game to play.
J.K.Rowling introduced the sport in her books, and the
cinematic translation in the numerous Potter films really
fleshed out how amazing this sport was. Of course with the only
exercise many Potter fans getting amounting to clicking the
next button on erotic Hagrid/Dobby fan fiction websites, we're
not sure how successful any sport would be in real life for
this bunch.
CALVINBALL
The game, which of course originated in the
classic Calvin and Hobbes strip is the ultimate creative
athletic endeavor, because it's never the same game twice as
you make up the rules as you go along. Sort of like Hillary
Clinton's ill-fated Presidential campaign.
-Robert Berry
rberry@retrocrush.com
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